Really struggling with decision on whether or not to place my mom at a facility. How do you make this decision?

I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. It is hard to place a parent in a facility when they are used to being independent. The truth is that she isn’t going to improve and you will be doing what is best for her and you.

Wishing you the very best. Please keep us updated. We care.

It's time -- trust me. You need to resume your life while letting others do the heavy lifting. You can just be her daughter again, which will likely do a great deal to help all your relationships. Visit her often, but let the experts deal with showers and her health issues, because they won't get easier to handle -- only harder.

It sounds like it is probably time for you to have mom go into MC. Transitioning from rehab will be so much easier than from home. If she would be inclined to argue about it, that will much diminished when the placement is handled by the professionals instead of just you.

You have done a LOT for your mom. The level of care you are providing is pretty intense, IMHO, and I don't think I would be able to do that and keep my sanity (or what's left of it!).

I know it's hard to decide these things. There are valid concerns on both sides, of course.

I'm finding caregiving to be much more difficult than I imagined. You need to leave some time and energy for the rest of your family too.

Now is the perfect time to place mom in the appropriate facility, as it's much easier when coming from rehab. The social worker can assist you in finding the right place for her.
The fact that you're asking the question, should tell you that it's now time. You have done your very best with her, and now it's time to let the professionals take it from here. You have put your life on hold long enough, and your children will be out of the house soon, so now it's time for you, as you're not getting any younger either.
You won't be able to leave her alone anymore, so unless you're prepared to hire some fulltime help for her, it's best to have her placed in a nice facility, so you can just get back to being her daughter. I wish you peace as you go forward in the decision process.

I believe you come to this decision by considering the needs and capabilities of the entire family - not just your mother. My mother came to live with me. I planned on this and promised her I would keep her at home "as long as we could manage it". My mother had spinal stenosis and would eventually be confined to a wheelchair and I was concerned I would not be able to care for her when she became completely disabled; as long as she could stand and assist with transfers we would be okay. Although I considered her physical disabilities, I did not consider her mental disabilities would make her care much more difficult. She eventually got to a point where she couldn't take direction well and was much more difficult to safely transfer. As she became less able to stand on her own, this complicated her care. When she got to the point she didn't want to stand so I could change her pull-up or clean her, I began making arrangements for her to enter an MC a couple of miles down the road. Fortunately for us, Mom died in her sleep just a few days before she would have entered the MC. She wanted to remain in my home and she did.

I believe we have a responsibility to make sure our parents have adequate care, not to personally provide that care. If we choose to provide hands-on care, that is _our_ choice and should be based on what we want to provide and our ability to provide it. I chose to provide care for my mother and I was able to provide it with help in her last years from her funds to hire weekly respite care. You should not put your life on hold. You have children that have a right to expect your attention too and many good years of your life to live. If your mother is okay financially, then I suggest you find an MC home for your mother to provide her base level of care. Decorate her room as much like her room in her or your home as possible so she recognizes photos and furniture in the room when she wakes. You can still maintain a room in your house and bring your mother home a night a week if she tolerates visits well (or maybe I should stay going back to the facility well).

You cannot change her aging. It is nothing for you to feel guilty about; you didn't cause her to grow old and have failing health. Care for her or make sure she has good care and provide her what comfort you can. Having enough energy to visit her often and take her treats (photos of her grandchildren, magazines, flowers, and milkshakes) is important too.