My mom mistreated my dad. How can I care for her lovingly now?

Miata, your mom is not living independently if you have to help her 6 out of 7 days.

AL is not a bad thing. It helps people that cannot do it on their own but still have the ability to socialize and do things. It just deals with making sure they have easy access to healthy meals and other services that become difficult because of age.

You should find a place so you don't have to deal with taking care of someone that you have resentment towards. It can lead to serious health issues for you and quite frankly, she doesn't get to steal your health and peace unless you let her. She is ready for an AL.

Why would you say, "My mother isn't ready for Assisted Living yet."???? When is an elder 'ready' for Assisted Living? When they're drooling or on their death bed? Then it's too late, in reality.........b/c Assisted Living is for the independent elders who require very little care, who can walk on their own (for the most part) and who can take care of themselves for the most part. An elder is 'ready' for Assisted Living when they no longer want to take care of a house or a home, cook meals for themselves & grocery shop, clean, do yard work, and all that fun stuff that's associated with home ownership. When my mother lived in AL, there was a gal named Linda who lived there with her dog. She was in her very early 60s and had migraines. She decided she didn't want to live alone anymore after her DH died, so she & her dog took a 1 bedroom unit in the lovely AL and they live there to this day (some 6+ years after my mother moved in and then out, into the Memory Care bldg.) If I remember correctly, Linda has been living there for nearly the entire time the AL has been open; 21 years. Don't delude yourself that your mother 'isn't ready' and realize that she IS ready and so are YOU.

My mother treated my father like a piece of dirt while they were married for 68 years. Now that he's passed, she doesn't even want a photo of him in her room at the Memory Care! She speaks badly of him when she does speak of him, which is a rarity, and she's glad he's dead. When she gets going on one of her rants about what he 'didn't do' for her, I leave her presence. It's aggravates the snot of me remembering what all she did to him, and how she dishonors his name to THIS day, after he treated her like a queen. Yes I hold resentment towards her for her disgusting behavior towards him, and I will forever and ever. There is no way on God's green earth I can rid myself of it b/c it's changed how I think of her and my respect level for her has dwindled down to almost nothing. Yes, I still 'do' for her b/c she's my mother, but I do it with disdain and as little as humanly possible. I can't and won't get 'beyond' this b/c she's gone TOO FAR with the things she's said and done, period. I tolerate her, that's about it.

Get your mother into Assisted Living and then go visit her as you see fit. Take care of her necessities and her finances and whatever else needs to be done. Reconcile the fact that you'll never be besties and move on with your life. When I saw a psychiatrist many years ago, I got ONE thing out of our meetings and it was this: You will never be friends with your mother so stop trying. I think of it this way: if she were not my mother and a stranger, I would NEVER strike up a friendship with her! I love her but I do not like her ONE SINGLE BIT. And you know what? That's ok. It is what it is. It comes after a lifetime of insults and put downs and watching her rake other people I loved over the coals and doing nasty rotten things to me and to others for 64 long years. She is an unlovable human being but she is my mother. So I do for her what I feel is right and nothing more.

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the fact that you will never be friends with your mother & realizing you should stop trying to be. And don't feel guilty about it either. In life, we reap what we sow.

You don't. Leave her to the fate she's created for herself.

Actions have consequences.

While your mom's behavior is/was horrible, perhaps she was suffering from burn out and just could not deal with the situation. Dementia, as you know, is NOT easy to deal with. Unfortunately, your mom did not have the coping skills to deal with this.

I don't blame you for not wanting to help her and having a hard time getting over this. I wonder if she does have something wrong, like dementia or some mental issue. Her behavior is just so abnormal that there has to be something going on.

Very sad, for all of you.

Thank you so much everyone, and NeedHelpWithMom, I appreciate your concern and questions. I am new to this site and didn't know I could set up a profile.

To answer your questions:
* my mom lives 10 minutes from me. I see her maybe 6 out of 7 days each week and call her daily.

* I don't think mom has dementia. She seems to be very cognizant. I do think, based on her abuse of my dad and some childhood incidents, that she has anger-management issues and perhaps some mood disorder.

* APS did squat. The agent spoke to my mom, and mom tearfully told her that I was after her and Dad's money. She promised to arrange 24/7 care for dad, but didn't do it. I reached out to APS again, the agent called my mom, and this time my mom screamed at her and really shook her up. Still, the agent didn't do more than give me some advice. It was very disappointing.

* I don't know why my mom denies how she treated my dad.

* My relationship with my mom was pretty good before she abused my dad. It's still okay, but I will never fully trust her again, nor forget her horrible treatment of the father I loved. By the way, my father took loving care of my mother and helped her through breast cancer, and later endometrial cancer. She definitely didn't return the favor, which makes me even angrier.

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and prayers.

How sad for your poor dad. I think placement is in order here. Caregiving is difficult and gets more difficult as time goes on. I would check into some facilities close by. You do not have to do hands on but make sure she is getting good care and her needs are met. Wish you and your mom the best and hope you find a good solution soon.

My suggestion, don't physically care for this womam. You may forgive but you will never forget. Also, don't think she will be easy to care for. If you don't have POA, wait for a hospital or rehab stay (rehab is the best). If its found she is 24/7 care, then tell rehab that you cannot care for her 24/7. Without POA she can become a ward of the State and placed in LTC.

Gosh, you are in a tough spot. Where is your mom? You don’t have any information on your profile page. Is she in a facility or at home?

This posting is so very hard to answer. If I were you, I would have conflicting emotions too. How often do you see her? Does she have dementia too? What happened with your father after APS became involved? Do you think that she can’t handle how she abused him and blocked it out or she just won’t own up to it?

I think at this point, you have been through enough pain. If you have to walk away, do so. If it would make you feel better to have others care for her, then allow others do care for her. How was your relationship with her before she abused your dad?

If you forgive her, it still doesn’t mean that you are obligated to care for her. It only means that you are doing so, in order to achieve peace in your heart.

I certainly wish you all the peace in the world. You deserve to be free from this torment and agony.

All I can say, is do what is right for you. Your mom has serious mental health issues. She should have surrendered your father’s care to others, instead of abusing him. She abused you too because you loved your dad and had to witness horrible things, plus being attacked with her telephone. I am so very sorry that you have gone through this pain. It’s an absolutely horrible situation.

God bless you.