After taking care of my late step dad, my late husband, and my 89 year old mom for the past 11 years I had a stroke. What do I do?
A Stroke on Nov 28, 2020 left me with Afib too. I m an only child. My mom is very demanding and mean. The doctors say I don't need to be stressed but she doesn't care. What do I do?
I can definitely understand how caregiving can affect your health. Tell your mom that your doctor told you to step back from helping her. Tell her your health is fragile (it is!) and the doctor wants you to avoid all stress. Do not back down. You have to help yourself. Personally, you have done enough caregiving. You matter.
If she is residing in a facility I Independent Living and she is doing well you leave her where she is. IF you are doing things FOR her that allow her to continue to reside in Independent Living then you STOP doing what you are doing and you begin to transition her to Assisted Living and let the staff do their job and assist her. If at this point she would be better in Memory Care I am sure the staff will let you know. You might want to have a meeting with the Director and discuss your limitations and what you can not do and seek their input as to where mom would be safer.
What do you do? You now step away from any family caregiving, and start caring for yourself. If need be, you can turn your moms care over to state provided guardian. If you don't start taking care of yourself, you will be in the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one(s) they're caring for. Is that what you want? You're important and matter too you know? So start acting like it.
Your profile says "living in independent living". Is this connected to an an assisted living or part of a community? Are there services Mom can receive if she pays more for it? Is she ready for Assisted Living? Can she afford it?
You could have suffered a stroke for a number of reasons but the stress did not help. And I would bet that while doing all this Caregiving, you have let your health go. Well its time to take care of you. You need to learn to back away.
What services does the IL provide. Does Mom get her meals? One thing you don't need to worry about. Do they do her laundry or you? If you, start using their service at Moms expense. If she needs Depends you can buy them on the internet and have delivered to her. What do you do for Mom that can't be handled by someone else? My SILs Moms IL had outings and transportation.
Do u take Mom to Dr appts? Does she really need to go as often or still go to that particular doctor anymore. I feel if they have been going to a specialist and they are stable in their numbers, then the PCP can take over. Or, you can see the Doctor less.
This will be hard but you need to set Boundries because its life and death at this point. Or you being debilitated where you can't help Mom because you need the help. You have to walk away when she gets nasty. Hang up the phone. Tell her you will no longer put up with her nastiness. Think this way, she needs you more than you need her. If her IL has an AL I would ask that she be evaluated for the AL because you are no longer able to give her the care she needs. They can make her change over if she is not independent.
Do only what you need to do. If its just that she wants you there with her constantly, tell her sorry Mom but I have found after my stroke I just want some peace and quiet. You are probably a Senior too.
Boy, you've sure done your share of caregiving! What level of care are you providing for your mom? Do you live together? What do you WANT to do? Given her age and health issues, as well as yours, I'd say a giant step backwards in the giving of care to others could be in order.
If you continue, I bet you can do a much better job at drawing boundaries and not letting mom's demanding and mean nature push you into doing more than you are willing and able to do.
If caring for your mom is overwhelming you will need to make a decision: either keep things as is and continue to suffer OR back away and let social services handle her care now and in the future. There is no 3rd option.
Do you live with her or does she live with you? If you live with her please look into Section 8 housing to see if you can move out. Contact social services for your county to get your mom assessed for in-home services so that she's on their radar as a vulnerable adult and possibly qualified for Medicaid. But you must now take care of yourself first no matter what your mother thinks or says to you. You are not morally obligated to provide hands-on care for your mother every day or at all, especially if it is degrading your health. Also, contact your local area's Agency on Aging for more info and resources that could help you or your mom.
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IF you are doing things FOR her that allow her to continue to reside in Independent Living then you STOP doing what you are doing and you begin to transition her to Assisted Living and let the staff do their job and assist her. If at this point she would be better in Memory Care I am sure the staff will let you know. You might want to have a meeting with the Director and discuss your limitations and what you can not do and seek their input as to where mom would be safer.
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You're important and matter too you know? So start acting like it.
You could have suffered a stroke for a number of reasons but the stress did not help. And I would bet that while doing all this Caregiving, you have let your health go. Well its time to take care of you. You need to learn to back away.
What services does the IL provide. Does Mom get her meals? One thing you don't need to worry about. Do they do her laundry or you? If you, start using their service at Moms expense. If she needs Depends you can buy them on the internet and have delivered to her. What do you do for Mom that can't be handled by someone else? My SILs Moms IL had outings and transportation.
Do u take Mom to Dr appts? Does she really need to go as often or still go to that particular doctor anymore. I feel if they have been going to a specialist and they are stable in their numbers, then the PCP can take over. Or, you can see the Doctor less.
This will be hard but you need to set Boundries because its life and death at this point. Or you being debilitated where you can't help Mom because you need the help. You have to walk away when she gets nasty. Hang up the phone. Tell her you will no longer put up with her nastiness. Think this way, she needs you more than you need her. If her IL has an AL I would ask that she be evaluated for the AL because you are no longer able to give her the care she needs. They can make her change over if she is not independent.
Do only what you need to do. If its just that she wants you there with her constantly, tell her sorry Mom but I have found after my stroke I just want some peace and quiet. You are probably a Senior too.
If you continue, I bet you can do a much better job at drawing boundaries and not letting mom's demanding and mean nature push you into doing more than you are willing and able to do.
Good luck.
Do you live with her or does she live with you? If you live with her please look into Section 8 housing to see if you can move out. Contact social services for your county to get your mom assessed for in-home services so that she's on their radar as a vulnerable adult and possibly qualified for Medicaid. But you must now take care of yourself first no matter what your mother thinks or says to you. You are not morally obligated to provide hands-on care for your mother every day or at all, especially if it is degrading your health. Also, contact your local area's Agency on Aging for more info and resources that could help you or your mom.