Mother is a narcissist with depression and anxiety. I think she has personality disorder and early dementia too. Father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and mod dementia a few years ago. I'm in a position where I no longer speak to sibling due to my mother lying to him on how I provide care. I'm POA for both but in all honesty for my own mental health and my family I feel like I want to take a step back. I need to set boundaries with my mom. When my brother is here she lies to him and he believes her. I've found them best doctors and they hate them. Cancel appts and refuse to go. They live in a house that's too much work and unsafe. My father has fallen numerous times in last year. My mother mainly due to her mental state refuses to move. Yells at me and tells me I'm making her more anxious. Everything causes her anxiety. We are currently awaiting the next tragedy which I fear will involve falling down stairs. Last time my dad fell my mom didn't think it was a big enough deal to call me until 3 days later. I had to take him to ER as he was bruised and bloody from falling into a rockwall. My brother feels guilt for abandoning them but picks on me and my husband for how we care for them. Something big has to change. I'm ready to give my mom boundaries for my own mental health. I'm only person in town though so I feel like I'm at a dead end and limited.
10 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Falls are the biggest threat to the lives of seniors, so Dad needs to be where chances of falling are minimized. I realize you want to step away, but do you want to step away from Dad, too? What did he do to deserve to be abandoned?
Perhaps if you move Dad, Mom will follow more willingly if she is not deemed incompetent.
Next there is a fall or a trip to the hospital you can say that dad is not safe at home, that mom can not safely care for him. Say you can not care for him, siblings will be contacted.
If they do not step up and provide the care/supervision that is needed a call to APS will eventually lead to the court stepping in and assigning a Court Appointed Guardian. The Guardianship would only happen if the court feels that mom can not care for dad and make appropriate decisions. (you state that she also has dementia) If they feel that she is cognizant then she will remain the caregiver for your dad.
ADVERTISEMENT
So where are the other siblings? How many?
Why have YOU ended up being the responsible one, considering your history with your mother?
I have ended up being responsible because I am only daughter of my mom and dad and I live in same city. My brother doesn't live here. I was left with this. I had no choice in matter
your DAD needs help.. Your mom isn't providing good care and is obstructing you from getting him good care.
Start by calling Adult Protective Services. Explain the situation and ask them to advise you on your next steps.
When dad falls, call 911 and have him transported to the ER. Talk to social services at the hospital and tell them he can no longer be cared for at home.
If your parents are still technically competent, they can make their own bad decisions. If that is the case, resign your POA in an orderly fashion and leave them to themselves.
Sometimes we need to step back for folks to get the help they need.
Could we just step back and wait for the time we actually need and can intervene?
I keep reading to resign and I think about the trauma of a very sick, incoherent dad and no authority to help him without a fight. It worries me that no one would have the ability to help when it is most needed and when we won't get any crap from our parent. Just curious.
I am so sorry that you are going through this stressful situation. Your mom definitely has issues that are difficult to deal with.
It is annoying when a parent tells siblings a totally different story than what is actually happening. It’s even sadder when the siblings don’t want to hear your side of it. Please explain your statement about your brother abandoning them? Is he the primary caregiver? Does he get a break? Do both of you share caregiving duties?
The worst part of your situation is that your dad isn’t safe in his environment. Falls are awful and can cause emotional and physical harm. Sadly, you can’t force them to move.
I fear that eventually an injury of some sort will occur and that may sway how things go, as far as moving forward with better living arrangements.
I like your way of thinking, concerning your mom. I would set boundaries. I would explain how you feel and tell her exactly what you will and will not do for her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-am-currently-my-mother-and-fathers-poa-id-like-to-give-up-doing-it-for-my-mother-what-can-i-do-if-469068.htm
This post gives more info than the other one.
YOU have responsibility to provide a safe and healthy life for them.
It is NOT your responsibility to please them, respond to their hostile comments, or attempt to maintain their currently dangerous lifestyle.
You may have to hear them yell as you attempt to develop a working and functional and reasonable care plan for them, BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY, or even more importantly, to apply what they say to YOUR DECISION MAKING.
Stop worrying about “boundaries” and start making safety decisions. From your comments, they are NOT safe in the home they’re in. Your mother is not able to make decisions about what will be best for her or your father.
YOU must make the decisions. You CANNOT debate with your mother. She is not capable of reasoning or using your logical ideas.
What your brother says or does or doesn’t do means nothing In the care plan. You have the POA - you’re in charge.
Ignore the nonsense-toughen up-take charge-take action.
With Alz and dementia in the picture, that complicates things even more. Many people refuse to move. But, sometimes moving is the only safe thing. Sounds like they'd be much better off in assisted living.
I'm sorry that your sibling believes your mother's lies. Seems like he should know better.
You might need to let something big happen, like a fall or other event and then push for rehab or a nursing home or whatever is the appropriate setting at that point. Let the ER know that the other person at home is in no condition to take care of their spouse.
How often are you going there?