My parents until 2 weeks ago were staying with me. I had been caring for them and trying to get a handle on their finances. They came to me in an emergency situation and have resided with me for a little over 6 months. My father had a alleged fall, was hospitalized for 7 days and needed to be released to 24 hour care. This all happened during the Christmas holiday.
I have encountered many obstacles along the way trying to find out their financial status, locating documents and trying find them a forever home. I am a single parent of a high school senior, two college students and suffered a minor heart attack two months prior. My parents are also transitioning from another state 400 miles away. This has been very difficult to do amidst COVID and the fact they are both have dementia. On several occasions my father stated he wanted me to help with their transition efforts.
My brother has seen/ interacted with them five times since they’re arrival for brief social visits.
As of 2.5 weeks ago my brother took over care of my parents so that I could go on a much needed vacation with my family.
Upon returning it was explained to me by my brother that my parents wanted to stay and we would get together at a later time to discuss the changes.
My parents are requesting their mail and financial information. They would like my brother’s girlfriend to go through their paperwork. I explained it should be my brother, parents and I that go through the papers. Neither my brother or I have a POA or guardianship.
I said that I would hand over all paperwork to an attorney and that we as a family should go over the paperwork. I suggested that this seemed the fair way to handle things and that our partners (we are not married to) should remain silent.
I believe my parents should be able to see their mail and documents but with an attorney present as they cannot comprehend fully all what is in them.
They received a change of address card in the mail.
My brother’s girlfriend is with my parents the majority of the day. Until two weeks ago she had only a minor relationship with my family meaning my parents have only been in her presence a few times over the last four years and any contact has been over the phone. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she truly wants to help. I believe she can help without seeing their finances. She feels things are not progressing quickly enough.
My mother has expressed she would like her to handle their affairs. My father expressed he wants what my mother wants. My parents now feel as though I have not been transparent with the handling of their finances.
Until now my brother nor his girlfriend have reached out to find out what has been happening, how things were progressing or really interacting on a social basis.
I want an attorney to handle this. I believe that this is the most fair and diplomatic way.
6 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You or brother need POAs. One for each of them. Written up by a lawyer. If they are in the early stage and understand what a POA means, you may be lucky and get them. Otherwise a conservatorship may be good enough but they have to be declared incompetent.
For now, I would give them their mail. It may be Federal offense for you to keep it. They can report you to the Postmaster. If the documents are theirs, let them have them. You nor brother have any rights at this point. Your Mom has given this women permission to look at their finances. There is nothing you can really do. They have chosen to stay with brother for whatever reason. Are you afraid brother and GF will take your parents money? My brothers saw little of my Mom but if they suddenly had to care for her, doubt if they would spend her money on themselves. At this point I don't think APS could do anything.
This isn't asked facetiously, but realistically, practically and legally:
Did she sign a nondisclosure agreement?
You wrote that both your parents have dementia. W/o knowing more specifically whether or not this affects any cognizancy levels, it seems to me this decision was not necessarily made under "clear headed" circumstances.
Additionally, you wrote:
"Upon returning it was explained to me by my brother that my parents wanted to stay and we would get together at a later time to discuss the changes."
And "Until now my brother nor his girlfriend have reached out to find out what has been happening, how things were progressing or really interacting on a social basis."
This raises questions and concerns how and why their interest is now increasing.
I personally don't think that temporary BFs or GFs should be involved in family planning.
As to whether an attorney should handle the issues, what exactly are they? Are you focused on assistance or authority for financial and/or health issues?
ADVERTISEMENT
This happens more than you would think.
Do you think this is a possibility?
If they haven't gone to an elder attorney and made all the appropriate contracts that will not cause trouble for Medicaid eligibility down the line, then I think there is a very good possibility of the above happening.
Does either parent have an actual medical diagnosis by their doctor of cognitive/memory impairment? If you did take your parents to an attorney she/he would interview them each privately (and separately) to determine if they can in fact comprehend what is going on. They may still be able to create their PoA (and Advanced Care DIrective, and Last Will). But you may not like it if they decide only your bro and his GF are the PoAs, since you won't be permitted to exert any influence over them in the attorney's office.
You may need to pursue guardianship through the courts and I'm not sure if there can be 2 guardians (so that it is a shared responsibility). Even so, if your parents are living with your brother and the GF is there, I'm not sure how you can prevent her from being privy to their financials if your brother allows it. Even if she's "deserving" of trust, keeping her out may prevent things from getting legally messier down the road. There are already 2 people willing and able. There doesn't need to be a 3rd unless, like Stacy122 suggested, she has special financial management knowledge and abilities.
There is so much more your brother will need to know if he's going to have your parents live with him. He needs to be informed so that he doesn't inadvertently disqualify or delay your parents from Medicaid qualification. In many states the "look-back" period on the application is 5 years for financial transactions. Gifting money is the one that often screws people up. I wish you all the best in moving forward in a way that helps your parents most.
I think having an "outsider" handle finances is a bad idea UNLESS she happens to be a CPA, Financial Manager / Planner or other such legitimate financial occupation and she is bound by her certifications to handle things appropriately. (and if this happens to be the case then she should be paid as a professional so that it is legal and she can not use the information in a way that would hurt your parents or the family. This is an extreme long shot)
Even if you and your brother were married to your partners, your parents are not their responsibility.
You and your brother need to sort out mom and dad's paperwork on your own and get it organized. Then go to a lawyer and have a POA done.