I'm 65, retired and the caregiver for my 89 year old mother. I have a sister,64, who lives 10 minutes away and who refuses to come by the house because she "hates me". Every day my mother asks if my sister Maria will come. Instead, my mother who is in failing health is subjected to phone calls dealing with recriminations, from the past, attacks on me (we have a rocky relationship) and useless advice.. This month my niece is getting married in San Diego. Yesterday, my sister called up my mother and told her she had to give Carmen, my niece, a gold bracelet which in the safe deposit box, because :"that's what grandmothers do". All she can think about is my niece's wedding and is taking no interest in mom's care. My mother is getting weaker by the day. Mom and I joke that all she cares about is the money. I'm beginning to believe this is true.
I have long suspected my sister has mental issues. However, I did believe that in times of emergency she would help me with Mom. She refuses to acknowledge the gravity of the situation. Instead, she rehashes old pet peeves going back decades ad nauseum and cannot accept the reality of the situation. I am in the process of getting a POA in Mom's name.
The truth of the old adage becomes clearer every day "You don't pick your family, you pick your friends" I have had a toxic relationship with my sister for many years. I try to avoid her as much as possible, but this present situation has me concerned.
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You and Mom have to get to a point that you cannot rely on your sister. Seems she is self-centered. You also can't worry about her reactions. You do what you need to do, get that POA. No matter what you do, it seems sister won't like it. Oh well. She does nothing for your Mom so who cares that she will have a coniption. You can not be held responsible or feel guilty about how someone reacts to something you have done or said.
As I said before, you live with Mom, you are her caregiver and as such you are the one who should hold the POA. And do not put sister on it at all. I refuse to walk on egg shells. I did it with an ex and a sister growing up. It takes too much energy.
I'm so sorry to hear how your sister is behaving. It's hard when you're carrying the burden of your mom's care alone. It would be nice if your sister could step up and offer some emotional support or respite care.
I too have a difficult relationship with my 3 sisters. As the oldest I was left to handle everything for both my parents. It's exhausting. I know for myself the anger and resentment was bursting at the seams and still is. In hindsight, I should have been more upfront with my own feelings and needs and wants and frustrations. And if they still said "I don't care." Then I should have made other choices to protect myself.
As a mother it's hard for her to choose sides, but she should make it clear to your sister that her hateful phone calls and requests for money or jewelry will not be tolerated. Part of me thinks your sister carries these deep grievances for a reason. And maybe no one in the family has ever cared to listen to her? So she continues with her rages? Is she looking for some sort of validation or acknowledgement?
I know none of us can choose our family members. And many of us are even estranged because of the hardships imposed by caregiving. I hope for you and your sister there can be some reconciliation and peace.
Thinking of you,
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