Beth, such good advice here. With my mom, I finally learned to put in place the ultimate boundary: low contact and some times no contact. Just walking away as soon as she blurts works very well. These folks just hate to be ignored! From earliest childhood to present, Mom always delivered her insults in the most calm, collected manner with no shouting, no hysteria. Her calm, cool delivery (to my ears) lent an air of legitimacy to her lies. So I came to believe I was stupid, inept, inferior, clueless, i.e. a total embarrassment to her. Until I came to realize Mom was mentally ill and nothing could be done for her, least of all by me. I was crippled but not destroyed, and I could change. Lacking the capacity for ANY growth, any change, she couldn't. So it's been a long, hard climb out of the hole I fell into. Sometimes (now, in my old age) I feel like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. I wish I'd known as a child what I know now. Protect yourself, Beth. No one will do it for you.
You get up and walk away. Even if you only just arrived 2 minutes ago. We teach people how to treat us. End the visit and leave. And let her know why you are ending the visit.
I think it is a case of stages - 1) You try to be polite 2) You say I will be back when you are in a better mood 3) You say I don't have to be spoken to like that 4) You admit them to a facility to maintain your sanity.
We eventually got to 4) and with it came 6 months of being the daughter and son-in-law from hell to whoever she was speaking to, and now we have a realisation that she is better off where she is and we can do no wrong.
It doesn't always work out well - but your health matters and if you have gone through stages 1-3 then a facility so you get some sanity and your life back before you ruin your health is the best option. We may owe our elders some duty of care (or not depending on your life with them before) but we do not owe them our health and mental well being.
Your profile says, "Ellen is my biological mother. I do not call her mom anymore because she’s hurt me so much . I am looking for support, because I’ve cut ties with her and my sister. My sister tells my mother lies about me. I’m crushed."
I don't know what your situation is, exactly, but I'll tell you mine: I found my biological family in 2000. My biological mother had been dead for 7 years at the time, so I didn't get to meet her, which was probably a blessing based on what I've learned about her & her life. My 6 half-siblings were and are quite a crew of people that sent me nearly over the edge to a nervous breakdown upon meeting them. My father was kept a secret that my biological mother took with her to the grave. Truly a great story for the Jerry Springer show, unfortunately. I do not keep in touch with any of them, really, except for one half-sister, sporadically.
My adopted mother who I call 'mom' has a few personality disorders and is narcissistic to boot. I am her only child who she considers a huge disappointment b/c I'm not her biological child, despite the fact that I've been saddled with her histrionics and care for the past 64 years. She lives in Memory Care now and AL since 2014 b/c I refused to have her come live with me, for obvious reasons.
How do I deal with my mother who says hurtful things to me? In very small doses and as little as humanly possible. Biological mothers or adoptive mothers who dole out hurtful words & actions for our entire lives don't deserve having us as their daughters, in reality. We, on the other hand, seem to bend over backwards to BE the kind of daughters every mother WISHES to have.
Ironic, isn't it?
Deal with your mother on YOUR terms and no more than that. Know when to cry uncle and say ENOUGH. If you can't deal with her any longer, so be it.
You are important. You matter. You are a good daughter. Just in case nobody's said it to you before, I'm saying it now. Stop waiting to hear it from your mother because chances are, it will never come. Look for validation elsewhere b/c these types of women just don't have it in them to give it to us, even though we DO deserve it.
My Mom told me once to get out and never come back. (Dementia). I kissed her on the cheek and said “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow”. She said “okay, what time?” Those out bursts are can come and go.
The book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud has been a tremendous help to me and many others here. I hope you’ll read it and place personal boundaries to protect yourself from any further hurt. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience
I had to realize that my parent’s behavior is not going to improve. I have had to get up and walk away. Distance myself at times. It’s heartbreaking. I once confronted my mother about her comments. She turned the tables on me and said, “ I never spoke to my mother like that!” It was totally mind boggling! I have learned to immediately get off the phone or walk away. I understand how you feel. It truly hurts.
I have put up with a lot of things. But I have never been verbally abused but my Dad did holler to get his point across. I am sure that if I was in your position, I would walk away. Your Mom and sister have personality disorders and they will never admit they have done you wrong. The less you are involved the better. They won't change and can't change because they feel they aren't the problem, you are. See you have a weakness that they will prey on, you care. Yes, to them that is a weakness. And because you care you keep coming back and they keep abusing you. Stop going back. Say "no more". Stop looking for what neither of them have the ability to give, love.
My daughter just finished the book Borders and says it had some good points.
Joann29: I found your reply very helpful and clearly written. I don’t know why, exactly, but we who are “lovers & forgivers” with this “weakness” (love and kindness), must hear these words you wrote over and over again. Why? Maybe because we DO forgive and because we ARE kind —we believe in those values; love and kindness make the world a better place for all—that the world is sorely in need of. It’s not an easy way to live, especially if you are taken advantage of. Am I a fool? Nope. But when you believe in such profound concepts (love, kindness, and forgiveness), and commit to the practice of those behaviors in this life, you, of course, are someone worth knowing.
It took till I was in my 50’s before I figured out that mom likely thinks my kindness is weakness. Sort of like she thought I couldn’t figure out how to get what I wanted. In reality, I was following my values and beliefs, and willing to give up what I wanted out of love and concern that she was happy to get what SHE wanted. I often didn’t mind, because it made her happy and that was important to me. I went on to get two degrees. I know how to get what I want. I just would not exploit or hurt others to do so. That can be a tricky business if you don’t have firm boundaries in place. For most of my life, I did NOT have. Never, did I expect to learn that she did not respect me for these very respectable values. (But, she became corrupted by comfort and riches). I’m still trying to figure it all out and I’m getting there. My goal is to understand well enough so that I DON’T take it personally and can let it go, as my 5th yr. of live-in caretaking for her begins in my later life.
Bethin Texas, I hope my words helped a little. Joann made a great suggestion re the book Boundaries. Necessary reading for tender-hearts & pleasers. If you are “just done with it”, then you are. If you are ambivalent about a total disconnect, please know that you have people to hear you on this site.
My father had vascular dementia and it totally changed his personality. He became aggressive, abusive, and to some degree uncooperative with everyone. I placed him in an MC (because he was more cooperative with people he didn't know), needed more care and I knew I could not provide his hands-on care. I visited Dad once a week, always brought something he liked (a magazine, his favorite ice cream Sunday, or a box of fruit or cancdy) and I left if he became too abusive. Over time, Dad became a little less abusive and I became better at handling it. He had no control over his outbursts, he was with it enough to know he had an impairment, and the lack of control tapped into his abusive and neglectful childhood. I came to feel more sympathy with his outbursts and my change of attitude made dealing with him less painful. I remembered him as the strong man of my childhood and thought about how I would feel in his present circumstances.
I also found a mental break helped a lot. Go outside and drink a cup of coffee, walk around the block, even stepping onto the porch and looking around the neighborhood helped me. Just 2-5 minutes to take a few deep breaths and reset your emotions.
If your mom has Dementia you change the subject and shorten your visit. With Dementia it is something she can not control..My mom was mean in the early stages but then sweetened up later. I cried many times after being verbally attacked. I got counseling to help me control my feelings not hers. If mom is just plain mean {no known Dementia} I would have very short visits to be sure she is safe and has what she needs. After a few times of leaving quickly she may decide to be nicer so she has company.
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1) You try to be polite
2) You say I will be back when you are in a better mood
3) You say I don't have to be spoken to like that
4) You admit them to a facility to maintain your sanity.
We eventually got to 4) and with it came 6 months of being the daughter and son-in-law from hell to whoever she was speaking to, and now we have a realisation that she is better off where she is and we can do no wrong.
It doesn't always work out well - but your health matters and if you have gone through stages 1-3 then a facility so you get some sanity and your life back before you ruin your health is the best option. We may owe our elders some duty of care (or not depending on your life with them before) but we do not owe them our health and mental well being.
Thank you! Well said!
I don't know what your situation is, exactly, but I'll tell you mine: I found my biological family in 2000. My biological mother had been dead for 7 years at the time, so I didn't get to meet her, which was probably a blessing based on what I've learned about her & her life. My 6 half-siblings were and are quite a crew of people that sent me nearly over the edge to a nervous breakdown upon meeting them. My father was kept a secret that my biological mother took with her to the grave. Truly a great story for the Jerry Springer show, unfortunately. I do not keep in touch with any of them, really, except for one half-sister, sporadically.
My adopted mother who I call 'mom' has a few personality disorders and is narcissistic to boot. I am her only child who she considers a huge disappointment b/c I'm not her biological child, despite the fact that I've been saddled with her histrionics and care for the past 64 years. She lives in Memory Care now and AL since 2014 b/c I refused to have her come live with me, for obvious reasons.
How do I deal with my mother who says hurtful things to me? In very small doses and as little as humanly possible. Biological mothers or adoptive mothers who dole out hurtful words & actions for our entire lives don't deserve having us as their daughters, in reality. We, on the other hand, seem to bend over backwards to BE the kind of daughters every mother WISHES to have.
Ironic, isn't it?
Deal with your mother on YOUR terms and no more than that. Know when to cry uncle and say ENOUGH. If you can't deal with her any longer, so be it.
You are important. You matter. You are a good daughter. Just in case nobody's said it to you before, I'm saying it now. Stop waiting to hear it from your mother because chances are, it will never come. Look for validation elsewhere b/c these types of women just don't have it in them to give it to us, even though we DO deserve it.
Best of luck to you, my friend.
My daughter just finished the book Borders and says it had some good points.
I found your reply very helpful and clearly written. I don’t know why, exactly, but we who are “lovers & forgivers” with this “weakness” (love and kindness), must hear these words you wrote over and over again. Why? Maybe because we DO forgive and because we ARE kind —we believe in those values; love and kindness make the world a better place for all—that the world is sorely in need of. It’s not an easy way to live, especially if you are taken advantage of. Am I a fool? Nope. But when you believe in such profound concepts (love, kindness, and forgiveness), and commit to the practice of those behaviors in this life, you, of course, are someone worth knowing.
It took till I was in my 50’s before I figured out that mom likely thinks my kindness is weakness. Sort of like she thought I couldn’t figure out how to get what I wanted. In reality, I was following my values and beliefs, and willing to give up what I wanted out of love and concern that she was happy to get what SHE wanted. I often didn’t mind, because it made her happy and that was important to me. I went on to get two degrees. I know how to get what I want. I just would not exploit or hurt others to do so.
That can be a tricky business if you don’t have firm boundaries in place. For most of my life, I did NOT have. Never, did I expect to learn that she did not respect me for these very respectable values. (But, she became corrupted by comfort and riches). I’m still trying to figure it all out and I’m getting there. My goal is to understand well enough so that I DON’T take it personally and can let it go, as my 5th yr. of live-in caretaking for her begins in my later life.
Bethin Texas, I hope my words helped a little. Joann made a great suggestion re the book Boundaries. Necessary reading for tender-hearts & pleasers. If you are “just done with it”, then you are. If you are ambivalent about a total disconnect, please know that you have people to hear you on this site.
I also found a mental break helped a lot. Go outside and drink a cup of coffee, walk around the block, even stepping onto the porch and looking around the neighborhood helped me. Just 2-5 minutes to take a few deep breaths and reset your emotions.
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