How to keep from being swallowed up with caretaking and not living life?

Oh my poor Honey. You have what we call “one hell of a full plate.”

With all this running around looking after everyone else, who’s looking after you?

I STRONGLY suggest you hire a support care worker for either your husband or your son. We just hired one for $30/hr for 3 hours a day twice a week. Imagine what you could do for 3 hours? Go shopping and ENJOY it. Go to the beach with a book. Go and get a massage. YOU DESERVE IT.

Don’t think of it as an unnecessary expense. Think of it as a down payment for positive mental health and happiness.

Neither your son nor your husband want to be weights attached to your ankles, dragging you down. And, they’re really not. You love them, of course. But everyone giving giving and giving goes until there’s nothing left to give, and that’s when the scary happens.

Do yourself a favor, if only once a week, and get a 3 hour break. You’ll thank yourself for it.

I found this was a lonely life and no collaboration. I was the decision maker and so I got mom a friend. I searched on Facebook for a nurse/LPN/CNA and found a facebook site for nurses. I messaged the administrator and was happy to get a RN who came as a friend for mom. It is wonderful. They do mani/pedi, have lunch out or just watch movies and visit. My mom had hired a LPN for my dad before he passed several years ago and that worked out wonderful. Her LPN was a male and my dad enjoyed the time with him; also Brian was an excellent cook who enjoyed making new dishes upon request. What I had found was that the literature for demention/ALZ was that self care is good for the caree and the carer. So, no negotiations, no advanced notice, just a routine that imprints all is good and she is safe. I know I am blessed/fortunate that mom is compliant and prayers for her and me are daily/moment by moment. When she went to assisted living for a temporary stay of 2 months…she liked it so much she is still there and my life of a full time caregiver has changed to peripheral.

The only way you can keep yourself from being swallowed up with caregiving, is if you make yourself a priority too. That can be easier said than done, but as you are finding out, it's something that MUST be done, if you are to survive the journey. That is probably the number one mistake that caregivers make and that's to put themselves last, when they should actually be first. You can not give proper care to someone else, if you yourself are not being taken care of. It's like trying to run your car with no gas. It just won't work.
So, please start doing little things(to start)like going for a walk to the beach on a regular basis, sit outside and enjoy a nice glass of wine by yourself or with a friend, meet a friend for lunch or supper, go to church, and definitely find a local support group for caregivers. You deserve it.
And there's is always respite for your husband, so you could get away longer if you really want to. I wish you the very best.

Welcome to the forum Ann! You have too much on your plate to juggle, really, so it's no wonder you're depressed & lonely considering all that's going on. I read on your profile that you're planning to sell your mother's house & get her into Assisted Living, which is a great idea. Is that happening some time soon I hope? In the meantime, look into respite care in an Assisted Living Facility for her and perhaps for your DH as well, for a two week period of time, so you can have the house to yourself & go to the beach every day to rejuvenate yourself! We all need that; downtime for US where we're caregiving for nobody.

My own DH is having health issues too so I'm not sure that I'll ever get my life back as it once was. Things change constantly, and even once he's on the other side of his health problems, I'm likely to start facing some of my own. I think we have to look into creating a new 'normal' for ourselves once these health issues kick in, you know? Carve out time for ourselves where we pursue hobbies or interests, join support groups to make new friends, etc. Otherwise, we can easily get buried in the muck & the mire of the CG role to where we ourselves are lost souls. My own mother is 94.5 with advanced dementia & living in a nearby Memory Care ALF (thank God), but as an only child, she is my responsibility 100% and that does take a toll on me as well. Just last week I was at the ER with her for the standard 4 hours that's required each & every time the ambulance is called. It's not easy being 64 myself & having all this stress, that's for sure! I always make sure to de-stress by watching mindless nonsense on TV & coming here to AgingCare to post & read, in addition to pursuing my hobbies.

Wishing you the best of luck carving out your new 'normal' in the midst of being a caregiver to so many loved ones.

I too am a 65 year old woman, retired after 15 years of law and 31 years of law enforcement I though I'd have a smooth retirement. I had been looking for a larger home for my mother at 98 and a disabled sister at 63 since I had been going to their home for 10 - 15 years. I moved them in with me late last year. Caring for two adults in a 3 bedroom home can be overwhelming. My sister has seizure disorders but both she and my mom moved around their home and did things on their own. Now they do nothing more than sit at the table, wait on breakfast, lunch and dinner and go back to bed or take a nap until the next meal. They sit at the table like clock work even if I am sleeping late (past 8:00 a.m.) which rarely happens. I am up at 7:00 every morning and I get to lay back down at 11:00 at night after I finish the dinner dishes. Yes they can wash dishes but they do the absolute least so that they will not be asked to do it again. It's frustrating but I would not abandon my family or put them in a nursing home. Overwhelmed I found a quiet space right outside of my home where I can relax and rediscover my emotional freedom. Hiring someone to help or even going through Human Services were two options but it's difficult to invite someone into your home during a pandemic. I have four surviving adult siblings but a phone call once or twice a month is about what we get. I thought about getting a care giver service for a weekend or a few days to allow me to get away and distress without worrying if they're eating, or showering or oh my gosh, cleaning the bathroom. What I've found to be very helpful is just stepping away a couple of hours a day and doing nothing. Going for a drive, sitting outside in my design studio. Finding a good movie in the garage where no one comes. Of course I check in at 2:00 and 7:00 to put lunch and dinner on the table if neither of them takes the initiative to do it themselves which rarely happens.

The other thing I did that has really helped is I started a class in design. It's more like a creative venture as opposed to a career change and it's therapeutic to say the least. I've found if I just steal a couple of hours a day just for me I can manage the - 8 to 16 hours a day I have to cater to these seniors who simply refuse to do anything for themselves. Having my two dogs that come and put their had on your lap like empathetic friends also helps. I tell myself everyday it's going to get better and this is a test that will ultimately be followed by another testimony. I've found a couple of caregiver's programs through the hospital and just by accident I discovered this site. Hope my positive experiences can help others get through theirs.

I am so deeply sorry that you have so many for whom you have to caregive. It's a nearly impossible burden for one person. Could for a weekend or even a day one of your sons look after your disabled son while one son looks after your husband? Is your mother still living with you as well?
Unfortunately, I don't really see a way out of the situation. Caregiving is giving up your life.

Some things that worked for me, with hopes they will help or give you ideas that work for you.
1. I take virtual "trips". Still remember the wonderful "visit" to the Taj Mahal I had just a few days ago. Google virtual tours and you'll be able to go (sort of) anywhere.

2. I asked myself what I would be doing differently if things were different. Startlingly at first I could only think of the typical -- sleep later, etc. But then I ran out of differences and realized I didn't have any real plans, other than thinking things would be different. As I started to identify those things, there were some I could move into my life right now.

3. As I watched my LO's move into very old age (97+) I could identify things I am changing right now to make old age better than it would have been without those changes. Many of our parents etc. did not get that option.

Wishing you the best!

Having things to look forward to enriches our lives. You want to enjoy the retirement you worked so hard to have. Yet none of us knows what our retirement will put in our laps. So many on here can relate. You must look into ways for respite and as many have suggested, by hiring other caregivers. And if you want a week away from it all, have your husband go to a respite facility or hire full time in home caregivers. But even more important is what you incorporate into you day, week, month etc.
When I had dad for 8 years, I still attended yoga, walked with a friend, bookclub once a month, bunco once a month, attended church. So it sounds to me like you need some connections. Call the library about a book club, there are even online book clubs. Do you attend worship? Join a woman's political group. I am just making suggestions. But it must be based on what YOU like to do. I just joined a crochet and knit group that I found from Groups on NextDoor app. An 80 yo woman who was in my yoga class hired a caregiver to watch her hubby with ALZ so she could attend.

Because you can't use family as a group to do things with, you need to make new friends and connections. So very vital as we age to not be isolated. Sit down and really think about what you would enjoy doing to meet others and pursue how to do it. Find a reliable caregiver to relieve you or what's wrong with the adult brothers helping out? Can’t they come over when you want to go somewhere.

It takes energy and initiative to do these things but you and your life will be better for it. Your husband can’t fill this void you feel.

You can't get back what your life was before because that has past. Life is constantly changing. Maybe getting some hired caregiving help for your husband and mother would help you.
If you want to travel, respite caregivers can stay with your husband and mother. There are special travel and groups for people who are traveling alone and they're great. Finally the travel industry put two and two together and realized that people who are alone shouldn't have to miss out on travel because they have no one to go with.
You can't get back your old life, but that doesn't mean you can't have a life because you're also a caregiver.

First of all, YOU ARE DOING TOO MUCH FOR TOO MANY - YOU MUST PUT YOU FIRST. I see a couple of options. I don't know about the financial aspect, but can you hire caretakers to take over so you have a life and freedom. I do NOT believe people should give up their lives to take over for others if it is going to negatively impact their lives and peace - as this is doing. As to the vacation, you must find someone to step in and YOU must go on vacation ALONE. Just do it - you must come first. If all else fails, perhaps you have to consider that these people need to be placed in a facility so you can have a life. It is not fair you are being destroyed. Please look into this options.