How to get a crabby Dad to move arms, legs (safely) while in chair? He was in hospital 3 weeks. Little rehab and I want to prevent decline.

You’ve had lots of great responses here, with great advice. I’ll just add my experience based on my dad’s recent health issues. My dad is 90. Very independent, wants to do things his own way. He was trying to walk daily but just getting weaker. One of the unfortunate things we do in our culture is push our elders to keep on living, when it may be their time to go. We had dad do about a month of PT daily after he had COVID. When the therapists told us he just wasn’t making progress, we had him assessed for hospice and he qualified. He’s been much happier since. It’s ok to let him move towards death in his own way. Everyone is different - and as children we often want to focus on recovery. Sounds like sharing the highlights of his amazing accomplishments as you have been is one way to connect with him. My dad enjoys talking about his positive life experiences as well, and basically just spending time with me. We talk walks (I push him in his wheelchair) and we chat about the grass, flowers, weather. Anything that gives him joy. Hospice helped us bring him back to his home on the lake in our state for two weeks! He really enjoyed that vacation. It’s hard to watch them decline, I know. Just three years ago my dad was driving and walking without a walker. Now he has to be hoyered from bed to chair, to wheelchair. Be kind to yourself too. You are adjusting to his new normal as well. When my dad would get rude or angry - which happened often over the last two years - there were times I simply said, “You are being hurtful and unkind. You shouldn’t speak to me or treat me this way,” and he would eventually apologize. I tried to keep in mind that his rapid decline was terribly painful and difficult for him as well. My dad also suffers from dementia which plays a factor in his emotions and responses. Hang in there! You obviously care and are there for him - that’s so important!

I say this with much love and caring. Let it go, don’t argue. We want the best for them but if he doesn’t want it it’s ok. I just had to do this with my 91 year old Mom. I don’t want her last years to be me fighting with her over physical therapy. I want to remember us laughing and loving. 💕

You cannot force him to do physical therapy, so leave him alone, that's my suggestion. Remain on good terms with your dad at this time in his life and avoid the fights by suggesting he do things "for his own good". At 93, he's probably tired and in no mood to do what he's in no mood to do. My mother is 94.5 and a huge "fall risk" having taken 77 falls over the past 4 years or so, the most recent one tonight. No matter how much I bugged her, she insisted she "didn't believe in exercise" and fought off PT fiercely, so she went into a wheelchair fulltime in June of 2019. She still falls...37x since becoming wheelchair bound, so there's nothing anyone can do about it but keep sending in the team to pick her up. I quit talking to her about exercises and PT a while ago and leave all those decisions up to her. It's her life, after all, as wretched as it's become. Sigh.

All we can do is be there for them. It never feels like quite "enough" either, but we have to remember they get to make their own decisions, too, good bad or indifferent. It's not worth fighting with your dad because you'll lose this battle ANYWAY, as will I.

What's the home visit PT's view? - That person is better placed than you can possibly be to weigh up your father's physical condition, realistic scope for improvement, attitude and motivation and therefore gauge how much carrot and how much stick is likely to work best on him. What kind of co-operation does the PT say s/he is getting?

If you don't want a fight with him, don't fight - which means, mainly, zip it. It's his body and his exercise program, but it's also his level of pain or fatigue or despondency or whatever it is that's stopping him right now. You could ask him wider questions about what he's feeling and thinking, and see if that sheds any light on what's standing in his way, but don't think of it as your responsibility to get him "up and at 'em."

Ahhh…the age old problem. He doesn’t want to be fixed, he doesn’t want to exercise and he wants to be in control. We want them to get better, stay active etc. it’s a losing battle so if I were you accept it. He is showing you he is in control and on top of that tired!
To me one of the hardest things was seeing the decline in my dad who was always so active and could do anything. So of course I wanted him to stay that way. I finally realized I had to give up that dream and accept reality. You need to as well. Enjoy your dad while you’re still able and don’t push him to exercise. That is a battle you won’t win so let it go.

My mother's nursing home got my mother to participate in hitting a balloon back and forth. She would never do anything deemed to be actual exercise, but for some reason this one activity she would do.

We have a cranky, independent mom, just like this. She needs therapy to keep her legs strong but doesnt want and wont accept help. Last October she went to a wedding and was walking with her walker. Its now August and shes in a wheelchair because her weak legs will no longer support her. ☹️ We and the aides\nurses\therapists have all tried to kindly encourage her to no avail. We cant force her to do it and shes making choices that will affect her future. Its really hard to watch. They now want to move her to the next level Wing, not because her dementia is worse, but because thats where people who need care, with mobility, like lifts, are. 😥 Im so sorry you face this as well. All we can do is our very best, and when we know we've done that, accept the rest.

At this point you should stop nagging. Its his life and his choice.

My dad certainly got crabby when we bugged him to exercise better or more. Our family spent a long time thinking he wasn’t trying as he should, when the reality was he was simply worn out. He was exhausted emotionally and sometimes physically by all the encouragement to do more and try more. We backed off and let him live life as he saw best, or at least the way he was comfortable. I can’t say your situation is the same, but people don’t reach their 90’s often without being worn out and discouraged

At 93, having lost several loved ones, and showing signs of depression, he may feel there is little reason to keep living. There is nothing wrong if this is his attitude. Have an honest talk with him about this. This may be hard for you to accept; nevertheless, you should try. You note his mind is still sharp. Instead of focusing on his body, which is in decline, maybe you can find ways for him to do something productive with his mind during his remaining time.