Am I wrong for having better expectations from Memory Care?

Door locks are totally required in Memory Care ALFs, I don't care what anybody has to say on the subject that's contrary. Naturally the resident isn't 'locked into his room'.........other's are locked OUT of his room! And for obvious reasons; privacy is a must and nobody has 'the right' to enter another resident's room and go rifling through his belongings, PERIOD.

That said, controlling a resident's behavior who suffers from dementia is nearly impossible. Even if a resident was following a caregiver, how would she know that the resident was going to push your father down the way she did? Such forethought or knowledge that the resident was even following the CG is expecting a bit too much, IMO. In my mother's MC, there was a resident named Denny who loved to hang around my mother's door, knock on it, jiggle the handle, that kind of thing. My mother decided he was 'dangerous' and going to 'punch her' or 'harm her' in some way, in spite of the fact that he had never displayed violent behavior in the past. So she had a meltdown (a big one) every time he even approached her or her suite door. She'd be screaming & carrying on for 'help' from the staff, or calling me on the phone screaming & carrying on, if Denny as much as touched her LOCKED suite door. Was it his fault that my mother was upset? Did he have as much right to live in the AL as she did? There's two sides to every coin and there's only SO much the AL can do when there are many demented residents all carrying on about something at various times. That's not to say your father is 'wrong' and the other resident is 'right'; of course she shouldn't have pushed him. And of course the CG should have stopped the altercation from happening. But in reality, lots of incidents DO happen in a Memory Care environment.

When I worked in a MC ALF a while back, we had a resident grab a hearing aid out of another resident's hand and EAT it. True story. Chewed it up into oblivion, she did, and that was the end of the other woman's hearing aid. Such is the nature of dementia and the atmosphere that prevails in the MCs from time to time.

My mother complains that the ladies all 'fight' like crazy all day long. So I tell her to go into her suite and turn the tv on when there's fighting going on. Will she do it? Nope. She's right there in the thick of it all, then calling me to complain about it later on.

You can't fix any of this. It goes on all over in MCs. It's good you got a lock for dad's door; that will help with a lot of the chaos and others entering his room willy-nilly. When Denny was bothering my mother, I had a chat with the ED who pushed a big easy chair in front of her door to dissuade him from going near it. Denny was wheelchair bound and could only get SO close to her door; the chair prevented him from doing so. But he moved on to someone else's door so who knows what came of that? But he passed away a few months ago & my mother moved on to someone else she 'can't stand' to complain about.

Call the ED and express your concerns & the two of you may be able to come up with a plan of action to address them. Before you move him, know that issues abound at ALL these places; it's the nature of dementia in reality, more than anything else. I've seen the CGs at my mom's place kiss her on the forehead & treat her with true caring and affection. It's NOT that they don't care; they just don't have eyes in back of their heads or 6 sets of arms and legs to handle all the chaos that's thrown at them sometimes. The best thing YOU can do is make your presence and your wishes known to the staff as well as your appreciation for all their efforts on your behalf. A little gratitude goes a long way.

Best of luck

Move him. A good memory care knows how to handle this sort of thing, and clearly this place does not.

My mother's place only had locks on the closets, and I never, ever saw anyone wander into someone else's room. They were perfectly capable of monitoring residents who ambled off in the direction of the rooms and it was never an issue.

That people could repeatedly end up in your dad's room unchecked is disturbing, but if someone could walk in and assault him is a whole different level. Skin tears are terrible to deal with, and I'm sure you know the state of his thin skin will only worsen, so this isn't something you want to have to deal with beyond the day-to-day bumps he may get.

Your job is to protect his safety. It's the MC's job, too, but clearly they aren't up to it. I would move him.

My mother is in MC, as well.

I would be pretty angry if I were in your shoes.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I sure do understand where you’re coming from.

This would never be tolerated in my LO’s MC.

Please don’t be concerned about being “chastised” when addressing such a reasonable concern.

In your situation, I’d be taking tours of other facilities and including “privacy rights” as a potential question to ask social services and administrative personnel before considering choosing to move him.

Hoping for the best for you both.

I would be asking what the facility is planning on doing to 1) deal with the aggressive other resident and 2) how do they plan on protecting your dad from aggressive residents and careless employees.

Your dad has a right to be protected and they are failing miserably, you should file a complaint with Medicare. This will get changes.

I would be looking for a new facility that actually cares about their residents.

Dear Nature,
At the Veterans Care facility where my father is in a dementia ward, the staff hangs a cloth across the door entrance. The door frame is metal. The cloth has magnets in each corner, total dimension maybe 36” x 36”.
When the door is left open, this cloth can be hung up to deter residents from entering. Maybe this is just enough of a deterrent to keep wanderers from entering?

Dawn

You’re not asking too much. If decent solutions don’t happen soon, I’d look into moving him

I wouldn't jump the gun, here. How long has your dad been in this facility? Where exactly do you find a facility that actually cares about the residents, and how would you determine that they do care? Unless you as the caregiver spend a week living in a facility, you won't know what care your LO will get. You do the best you can in screening facilities, then you place your trust in the staff. I guess the best way to place a LO is by referrals from the families of current residents.

I do not recommend a lock on his door. If only the staff can lock and unlock his door, how would he react if he wants to leave his room but can't open the door? This could be frightening for him and cause him major anxiety. If the door is locked so others can't get in, neither can he. Who keeps the key to his room and where is it kept? Is it readily accessible in the case of a fire? Would moving him to a different room help?

I'm not saying don't move him, that's your decision, but you don't want to move him from the frying pan into the fire. And, yes, dementia patients do roam from room to room because they don't know their room from any other. Nor do they even know their own clothes from someone else's. I once opened the closet door of my wife's MC room to get some clothes for her, and found Jimmy, another resident, in the closet with the door closed! Scared the livin' dickens out of me.

So at this point I wouldn't move your dad. I would continue to speak to the director about recurring problems and see if the problems correct themselves. You may eventually decide that moving him is in HIS best interest... not yours.

To be perfectly blunt, if you think any memory care has enough employees to monitor the wandering of the residents you need to spend more time at the facility. Not only can they not control wandering but with the industry standard of 2 employees and 1 med tech per 20 residents, what kind of care and supervision do you think is happening. Everyone with loved ones in these facilities needs a wake up call as to what is actually provided at these facilities vs what the facilities promise they are providing. If your loved one is in memory care there is a 99% chance they never even get their teeth brushed even if the "care log" says they do. I have a camera 24/7 in a high end facility and I see exactly what goes on. I finally pulled her out and have her receiving home care but cannot sustain it financially. I am stuck because it is not an isolated issue, all of the memory care facilities are run the same way. If families to not demand better care and believe the unrealistic promises from the directors and staff, the system will never change.

My mother was recently in the memory care unit of her nursing home. There was one man who walked all day long up and down the hallways trying doors and if one was open would let himself in. I think it was because he couldn’t find his room, all the hallways and doors looked identical. It was a locked unit so he could not escape outside but he was always trying to get out the main exit too. The staff just let him wander all day. Several times when I was there he came into my mothers room and went into the bathroom and shut the door. I had to call staff to get him out. He was belligerent and argumentative and if you get too close to him physically aggressive. There were locks on the individual doors so I kept my mothers room locked as did many of the local residents. But a lot of them were unlocked and he would just go right in. In my opinion he should have been monitored more closely by the nursing staff but they just did not do that. This was a very high end, expensive, and very nice nursing facility. Like all, understaffed. I was only allowed to be inside because my mother was in the active dying stage and being treated in hospice. Who knows what went on during all those months and months when we were unable to visit.

I disagree with one of the comments where someone said the ladies appreciate attention from men. Dementia patients are confused and afraid of everyone and everything and should not be subject to wandering patients of any gender.