New to this forum & at my wits' end. Have an elderly friend who needs more help than I can give, not sure where to start. Suggestions?

We all go in with good intentions when we offer to lend a hand. And then it snowballs. And then we are made to feel bad if we think it is too much. After all the one request they are making is not so much....unless you count that it is the 100th one this week...they all seem to forget that part.

I think you need to alert authorities that they need to do a wellness check on him. As far as you are concerned, figure out what you are willing to do and only do just that. Stop taking multiple calls. Do not jump when he calls because everything in their eyes is an emergency. He may get mad because you say NO but really who cares? I'm sure you had people say no to you in your life....you got over it and he will need to also. Tell him the constant calls are too much...he will try and make you feel bad. He has done this before, this is why he has no family visiting.

"unrealistic expectations"

Yep. He is in the 'The world must fix my stuff' stage. Whether he can SEE his issues, take steps to OWN them, DO something about them is 1. Unknown 2. Up to him 3. Not up to you.

You have been a great friend. You helped but now the needs are just too much. Bit the hand & about to take your arm off too..

So. To redefine it back to a friendship & not servitude.

Hey Buddy, did I tell you I got a new job! I'm really happy. Hope you'll be happy for me too. Times like these I need a job eh?

So as I said before, if you need a bit of help with stuff, call that Agency again.

I can visit X (choose day). See you then 😀.

Then stick to that day. Be a buddy that visits, bring a drink, snack whatever. Leave the chores (his chores).

I'd pushes back (he will probs) be honest. Hey mate, just can't do. A good buddy should be allowed to be honest, right?

If you find he really cannot cope - no food, vermin etc - report the scene to APS. If paranoid - get out fast & don't go back. Report his behaviour to APS.

Honestly, I would move. Call his family and tell them they need to do something to set him up with help.
It is terrible how being a decent person and trying to help can spiral so quickly out of control. It sounds like your 'leash' is getting shorter and shorter.
I feel for his dog too, who is probably just crazy from his situation
I know it is hard to just up and move or break yourself off from this, it is not going to be easy I would guess. I am sorry you are going through this stress.
But side note, if you do try and break free from this, don't do it in person with all the guns around...

I agree with what the others have said. Keep your distance. Come up with a crisis you have to handle and go dark on him if need be.

I'd also add in a call to the local police to keep them abreast of what they may be dealing with should they ever be called out there.

A dear friend's husband was much like your neighbor. He had PTSD from Vietnam (while also considering that to be the greatest time of his life -- go figure), was demanding, wheelchair-bound, and packed enough heat to kill himself, her, their entire neighborhood, and any police that came a-knocking. My friend was terrified.

Fortunately, he had some health issue crop up, and he went into the VA hospital, and she refused to let him come home as he was a danger to everyone and himself. They parked him in a VA skilled nursing unit, and he lived there for another seven years, but at least she was able to separate him from his guns once and for all.

Perhaps the VA might apply here as well? Is he a vet?

You need to stay far, far, away from this person before you become a statistic. Conspiracy nuts with guns are bad enough, add in dementia and you're basically playing Russian Roulette.

I second the idea of not discussing your plans with him anymore. The combination of guns, a scary dog, paranoia/possible cognitive issues and him “freaking out” about you and your boyfriend potentially leaving the area and wanting to come with you would make me want to be very cautious and deliberate about how you deal with him in the future. No need to panic, but tread carefully here.

(Just an idea: maybe you “suddenly” develop health or job issues that prevent you from going to his place?)

Best wishes to you. It’s tough being a kind and empathetic person sometimes!

It was so good of you to reach out to your neighbor and help him as much as you have. You've truly gone above and beyond. I've found myself in this situation too many times with friends and other family members. It's okay to have boundaries and to look out for yourself. Otherwise the resentment and anger is only going to build over time and it's not fair to you.

Instead of being grateful it sounds like he wants to guilt trip you. I truly hope the social worker will step in and give him the attention and help he needs. He could be afraid but there are many resources in the community and possibly through church that could help him.

100% agree with Daughterof1930. I'm not sure that social services will be willing to take on someone in his state of mind with even 1 gun in his possession. Hopefully you will inform them of this fact. Please consider this article:

"Forty-five percent of people 65 and older have guns in their household, according to a 2017 Pew Research Center survey. But no one tracks the potentially deadly intersection of those groups. A four-month Kaiser Health News investigation has uncovered over 100 cases across the U.S. in which people with dementia used guns to kill or injure themselves or others. 

...From news reports, court records, hospital data and public death records, KHN found 15 homicides and more than 95 suicides since 2012, although there are likely many more. The shooters often acted during bouts of confusion, paranoia, delusion or aggression — common symptoms of dementia. They killed people closest to them — their caretaker, wife, son or daughter. They shot at people they happened to encounter — a mailman, a police officer, a train conductor. At least four men with dementia who brandished guns were fatally shot by police. In cases where charges were brought, many assailants were deemed incompetent to stand trial."

Source: https://khn.org/news/dementia-and-gun-safety-when-should-aging-americans-retire-their-weapons

About 2 years ago in the town next to mine, a locally well-known elderly multi-millionaire shot and killed his elderly wheelchair-bound wife and then himself. They think he had depression (or he could have had the dementia).

You’ve found yourself in a too common position. You have a good heart and wanted to be of help, but now it’s all gone too far and you’re being taken advantage of. This scenario has likely played out with many people in this man’s life, you’re the latest to fall prey. He doesn’t necessarily intend to abuse your relationship but it’s exactly what’s happening. He’ll never put the brakes on it so it’s up to you. I’m glad you’re getting him on the radar of Adult Services. Now decide what you will and won’t do, and do only that. Decide when you’ll take calls and do only that. And no discussion of plans. He may get angry at the limits and find someone else, not your fault. You need boundaries to deal with this, like a fence around you keeping out whatever you don’t want, but with a gate to let in what you want. He’ll likely never understand but that’s on him, not you. Thank you for being a kind person