Step-mom is dad’s POA, put him in memory care against his/our will. She had a stroke. Facility is awful. How do we get him home without POA?

Is this your father or grandfather? If grandfather, where are his children in all of this.

If you were not in contact with Dad/granddad on a regular basis you really don't have any idea what his wife went thru. When you have a Dementia, you are no longer able to make informed decisions. No person suffering from dementia wants to leave their home that is familiar to them but there comes a time their needs out weight what they want. People with Dementia are very unpredictable. You never know what they will do. One person can't really take care of someone 24/7 without help. And finding help that you can depend on is not easy.

Before you make the decision to "take him out" you really need to know what you are getting into. If he is in MC, then he needs a lockdown facility. He was evaluated and found he cannot be on his own. Your profile says you work with Seniors in IL. Is an AL and/or MC associated with the IL. If so, check them out. Ask the staff what is it like caring for a person with a Dementia. And there are different kinds. Lewey Body effects the frontal lobe so those people tend to be aggressive.

As said, see if there is a secondary on the POA. If not, then you may need to get guardianship. I would consult with a lawyer. Hopefully, you can have him transferred closer to you. But remember, he has a wife. If the stroke has not effected her cognitively, she still holds the POA and only guardianship can override it. Also, as his wife she has rights to 50% of their assets.

It is usually against their will, because folk usually don't want to leave their home to live in a memory care facility. Did your step mother have the stroke before or after she placed your dad? I can tell you from experience caring for someone with alzheimer's/dementia is no easy task. I cared for my mom for 4 years (I eventually had to place her in a facility) and I still haven't fully recovered from the stress (prior to her passing this year it had been 2.5 years since she was at home with me) so be very careful in your decision making. It is easy to see how your step mother could have made better choices when you are on the outside looking in. If your dad is unable to care for himself and your step mother could no longer handle it what should she have done? Unless you hire around the clock care in your home this will consume you. I hope that this situation works out for all involved.

Just wondering, when step mom was planning to put your father in the nursing home, did you or anyone offer to step in and take over the care of your father? Or offer to help step mom with his care? Or offer to take him home to care for him? Or some other alternative to a nursing home?

If the expectation was for her to keep caring for your father at home, then she obviously knew she could no longer keep doing it, and made a very wise choice to put him in a nursing home where he can be cared for24/7. If she hadn't done that, then you, not being a POA for either of them, would now have to figure out what to do for a father who had dementia and a step mom who had a stroke.

By tthe way, who is caring for step mom now?

It's very difficult to watch a loved one struggling indeed. ((Big hug))

Dementia is a very difficult disease. Maybe find a better facility that would be a better fit.

All the best

Have you seen the POA? There should have been a successor assigned. Do you know who the attorney that prepared it is? If so, call.

No one can be kept in MC against their will if they don't have a medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment and be in obvious need (the facility usually does a placement assessment). Your step-mom may have come to the end of ability to care to him by herself. You will need to speak to an elder law attorney to see what can be done to move him to a better facility. If he needs MC, you may not be able to care for him in your home either. Please read the many, many posts of this forum from loving, well-meaning but naive family members who grossly underestimated what full-time care of a person with dementia and our now burned out.

Depending on where you live, you may need to hire a lawyer, if your father cannot make the cognitive decision himself to assign you as a new POA. It will completely depend on if he has the use of his mental faculties. If not, your only choice is a lawyer.