Am I just prolonging the inevitable by visiting mom for several hours daily?

Well, I completely disagree with your friend, but I also think you are care-giving like a full-time job while she is safely in a facility that is supposed to be looking after her.

If it were me, I would limit my visits to an hour a day, and then be on my way. I would make sure Mom has everything she needs, sit and chat for a while, maybe stay and help her eat lunch, and then say, “Ok! See you tomorrow, Mom!”

Your lengthy visits have not been for selfish reasons - you’re a loving daughter. She has lasted because of your loving care, but also because it hasn’t been her time. Now, if she was on a respirator and hooked up to machines and tubes, THEN I’d say you were prolonging the inevitable. But prolonging it just by visiting? Then, I’d call you a miracle worker.

None of us can add or take away one day of life by being loving and supportive.

Visit with your mom as much or as little as you feel that you want to. This is about taking care of your heart right now and doing what you know that you can deal with when she dies. It is more then okay for you to take care of you now and to be a bit selfish in how you go about it.

The comment by your “dear friend” irks me. Is she really a friend or more of a “frenemy”? Is she one of those delightful folks who say thoughtless, passive-aggressive things a lot?

My husband was under hospice care for 22 months in our home, and often his nurses would tell me that because I was taking such good care of him, was probably the reason he continued to live for as long as he did.
I don't know if that's true or not, as of course I was going to take care of my husband the best I knew how to, and do whatever it took to keep him comfortable and as happy as he could be in his condition.
Now all that being said, you should do what you feel in your heart is best for you and your mom. If that is cutting back on your visits, then so be it. And if it's continuing with your daily short visits that's fine to. Only you will have to live with the choices you make, so make them wisely. Best wishes.

Really, you visited 4 to 8 hours? This is too much. I lived literally up the street and I was never there much longer than 30 min a day. And that's when something was going on. When Mom was transferred to the next town, I only went every other day.

Your Mom has no idea how long you stay or don't stay. There is no time in her world. You could have been there 8 hrs and she will tell someone "my daughter hasn't been here for a week". Take care of yourself. She is safe and fed and what will be will be.

You say, " Mom is still in a MCF and had declined significantly while I have only been visiting daily for short visits; not 4-8 hours." Are you suggesting that your mom has declined BECAUSE your visits have been shortened significantly? Because I highly doubt that's true; dementia progresses along a path & then the patient takes a 'step down' which can happen quite suddenly. I'm quite sure your mother took a 'step down' with her recent decline which had nothing to do with your shortened visits. Why even try to blame yourself for something like this in the first place? Dementia worsens on its own, with no help from anyone or anything! My mother calls me nightly to ask 'where is mama?' all of a sudden, and 'mama' died when I was pregnant with my son 36 years ago.

Anyway, I also think your friend is way off base making a silly statement as she did about watering a plant & keeping it nurtured & growing. Hogwash. We all have been given a certain amount of days on Earth; when those days are up, we leave, and that's that. As much as we'd all like to think we have a say in God's plan for us, we don't. That's my belief anyway.

I think visiting your mom all day every day is way too much for both of you. You're preventing her from developing a routine of her own or mingling with the other residents and/or partaking in activities at the MC, if she's up to it. Go less often and stay for shorter visits; I don't think either of you will benefit less from such a thing. And remember to take care of YOURSELF too, okay?

Best of luck!

I doubt seriously that a visit is going to extend or shorten your moms life.
You are healing and you need to care for yourself.
Visit when you are up to it.
Keep visits short. Nothing wrong with popping in for 15 or 20 minutes one time and an hour the next time. Time your visit so that when you leave she is ready for a nap or a meal so that she is occupied. (a lot of this depends on how aware your mom is when you get ready to leave)
I certainly not do a 4-8 hour visit. That is exhausting for you as well as your mom. And it disrupts the daily activities or flow of the place. (staff may not want to come in the room if you are there. You being there may change the nap or sleep routine your mom has.)

Your mother is going to be here exactly the number of days she’s meant to be. Nothing you’re doing by visiting is prolonging anything. Visit often enough to ensure she’s getting good care and for the amount of time that it’s as pleasant as it can be. I wish you both peace

Try dropping times down once more, and see what the effect is? I hope you get more specific advice from others.

One thing I really can guess, is that living a large part of your waking life close to your mother is going to leave you with a huge hole in it when she passes. Grief can be almost like its own ‘horrible illness’. Give yourself some time too!