My MIL says my FIL who has Dementia acts totally different when my husband and I are not around and asks her to do everything for him. Why?

My husband, after many years of being physically disabled, has now descended over a short period of time into dementia. He constantly asks me to turn off the a/c because he is cold, turn it on again a few minutes later, put a sweatshirt on him, take it off, remove his surgical shoe, put it back on again, bring him a cup of coffee, no, bring him a coke, stop the dog from bothering him (the dog is asleep across the room), and to do something that he is still trying to figure out, and if I could figure it out for him, he would much appreciate it. Etc., etc., etc. So, now, even my refuge of quietly reading a book is gone. I would believe your MIL because your FIL's relationship is so different with her than it is with you and your husband. She is his "other half." The only half of him that works. Eventually that "half" will collapse, too.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtfulness and helpful responses. I really appreciate the support. This caregiving community is really wonderful. I realize how blessed my husband and I are because my in-laws are the best. So kind, caring and appreciative. Even when Dad is not feeling well or agitated, he always says thank you when we bring him his meals. I am thankful that we can support them. And I will be praying for all of you caregivers, because it takes a lot of effort and energy.

You should give the aid a thorough list of what needs to be done, regardless of what dad says. Make sure it covers the things that he is asking mom for.

Encourage mom to say no and stick to it. Encourage her to make sure the aid is doing these things.

Your idea that he is trying to 'hide' his level of need is accurate. He is able to 'appear' to be doing better than he is, for short periods of time. Happens all the time when an elder has a medical appt.
Having an aide come to the house on a schedule, and having your mom leave the apartment while the aide is there with your FIL can help a lot.
This may be a short term solution before moving him to assisted living/memory care so I'd get started on that research now. You can see how elder care can be a full time job!

First show timing or whatever you want to call it happens with my mom all the time! My brother and I often commiserate about how capable she is when our younger brother visits or calls and the truth is she still keeps us a bay when she can leaning on one more than the other depending on who has been doing most of the caretaking, we switch back and forth. So yes I think this is pretty “normal” and no doubt much of that is trying to hide his needs I think it’s a natural instinct for most of us but it’s also understandable that someone set in their ways when faced with having to rely on another wants to stick with the one person who knows how to do it their way, kind of new routine. It’s also completely understandable that he wouldn’t want his daughter in law helping him with these intimate things. In some ways the fact that he’s lucid and recognizes everyone doesn’t help when it comes to these needs.

More importantly it doesn’t matter what the truth is from your perspective or the evaluators/aids perspective, if your MIL says it’s too much for her, it is too much for her (IMHO anyway). Try consulting with his primary or whatever doctor seems to be best versed in elderly care, about how to figure out what resources and options are available. You could use your MIL healthcare team for this too but I would caution you not to cross that fine line of including them both but taking the onus off of your MIL don’t put her in to position of having to say I can’t do this or that for my husband at least in front of him if you can help it. Might even be better if someone from her medical team is the one setting this in motion if you will and saying this is too much caregiving for her health, take the ownership out of everyone’s hands. You obviously have a great relationship with your in laws but it still might be wise for you to stay in the background as much as possible facilitating all this behind the scenes but letting their son and any siblings if possible, be the one initiating conversations about this, including you for sure but at least on the surface leading it. Good for you hearing MIL, looking out for both of them and trying to be proactive here, keep up the great work!

Oh yes this is common. My mother in law would get her hair fixed, and dress up when we were coming in from out of town...2 hours away, and yet the sister in town with her would tell us she's really needing alot of care, we didn't believe it until we brought her to our house and were shocked at how much she was able to hide. It was early lewy body dementia. It's amazing how they can pull if off for short periods of time when needed. My husband now recently dx. Can also do the chit chat and look completely fine. Other days he can't find his money wallet or phone and struggles. Dementia comes and goes day by day. Watch the Trepa Snow videos for more help. Best wishes to you, we are all in it together! Prayers for you.

Be sure to find out from the aide what is going on. Mom may be confused in what she is reporting. Cameras are helpful.

He is ready for a caregiver. Please find a good social worker in your area (governmental or hospital social worker) and ask for resources. They will help you. Here in Riverside we have the Office on Aging from our city government. But, also, I have Kaiser Permanente health plan and they have their own social workers. You probably can't count on your mom much longer to do those personal things for him. He might need to go into AL by himself without your mom.

Yes, “they” can act differently around people, doctors mostly. Look at memory care facilities and hopefully they can room together.

I think this is perfectly natural and it will change when your father gets used to paid caregivers. Your mom should probably gently remind him that she is not up to the tasks and tell him the caregivers will do it when they come. If your mother has always waited on your father, it might take a little longer for him to break the habits of a lifetime, but it’s up to your mother to refuse to do any task that puts her at risk.