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Grace1965 Asked August 2021

My mom is asking about my dad, who has been gone for 12 years. Any suggestions?

My mom was with me for a couple of years, took a fall about a month ago and just went from rehab to AL. She had dementia before the fall it has gotten way worse and now she is in a wheel chair. She has been there a few days, seems ok with it all but doesn't seem to be hungry. Today she was concerned because my dad wasn't there, she thought he may be having car trouble wondered why he hadn't called. We lost my dad in 2009 from cancer, I am a daddy's girl, tough relationship with my mom always. I just kind of said he knows you're here, I'm sure he will be back. I didn't know what else to do. I can't imagine it would be a good idea to tell her he has passed away if she doesn't remember.


I am all she has, it is a lot, it is all on me because my brother has passed too from cancer. Any suggestions? thanks

MJ1929 Aug 2021
You did exactly the right thing. My mother forgot my dad completely after he died, but she came up with an imaginary husband instead, and she's get really riled up if he wasn't around (which, of course, he never was). I just started giving him attributes of my dad, so when she'd wonder where he was, I'd say, "He's at work as usual. You know he'll come walking in the door right when you've given him up for dead."

That would satisfy her, and her mind would be off on another thing soon after.

Just try to be in her reality as much as possible and play along with whatever she thinks is actually going on rather than try to correct the facts, especially when it involves someone who's died. Telling her over and over that someone is gone is just like hearing it for the first time, and it's devastating for them.
Grace1965 Aug 2021
Thanks MJ that's kind of what I thought, but thanks for confirming it.

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