What do you do when a sibling volunteers you for 24 hour care in your home, to a bedridden parent, without consulting you at all?

You just say No and continue your life.

You might want to point out that offering someone else's labor without their permission is known as trafficking. That should end the discussion.

My siblings were very happy to leave all caregiving to me. And it became too much, what started as a bit of help grew into a mess, not good or safe for anyone. So I drew my line about what I could and would do, and the rest was on someone else, either hired or volunteer. No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. It doesn’t change your love and concern for your dad.

Your brother’s playing you. He’s not willing to be inconvenienced so why would you be expected to manage a situation you can’t manage?

Tell your brother you told dad he’d be better off living with your brother. Male bonding. Men understand men. Brother is stronger to lift dad.

After he balks, tell brother to cough up the money for dad to have a companion visit dad at AL. He sounds lonely rather than poorly cared for and if you bring him home, you’ll be free 24/7 caregiver and entertainment.

My sister just did the same. She had already orchestrated/guilt-tripped me into coming home from overseas job to live with my parents. (Another story). Now they are in a very excellent home. We had them to my apt for dinner. My dad was sharing some of his complaints and she says, “….I’m sure if you don’t like it there, you could pay us to care for you.” WHAT??? I had already tried to live with them for 1.5 years and it did not work. We FINALLY have them settled…and she brings up an “option” that is NOT on the table. I learned my lesson. I called her afterwards and spoke directly. I told her I was NOT willing to do that. I told her she should not tell them options that are not there. I suggested she think about how you would communicate with kids. Her response, “I was just kidding.” Hmmm. I told her to please not “joke” about these matters. And if she must to please keep my name out of it. All to say, you aren’t alone….be sure you clearly state what you can/can’t do.

You did the right thing. I was in a similar situation, but gave in, and did it. It was the most physical & emotional draining thing I ever did. I'm still not over it, and it is two years since my Dad passed. My back is ruined, and now I have been given the same problem with my Mother. When it gets bad with her, she will have to go to a nursing home PERIOD.

This is where you put on your expert nurse face and say to your dad that your brother doesn't understand the extent of care he's actually receiving in the nursing home and that it isn't something you can't replicate at home. Dad has 24/7 care now with the entire staff of the nursing home available to help. They are also paid to do that job which is why they're able to do it. You, however, would not be paid, and will not be able to eat or pay your bills.

Just lay down some common sense, and that should take care of the problem. Just because you have a nursing degree doesn't mean you're Wonder Woman.

What tothill said and then...

I would tell brother to never presume to speak on your behalf again. It is not remotely okay.

Thanks for your thoughtful answers. It is past. Both father and brother have passed on. But I have lingering doubts. The way it worked out was, I spoke to my father when he and I were alone. I had decided that if he really wanted to move in with me I'd try to make it work...somehow. I told him that. (I felt terrible for the situation he was in).
He knew he would have to pay. He knew I simply didn't have the money. I explained that I could quit my job but still not physically manage it by myself 24 hrs a day, that I would have to hire quite a bit more help and maybe rent some equipment. He knew that, too. (he was never for spending a lot of money). I told him I'd like to spend more time with him, and would give it a try if he wanted me to. He thought a moment and then said... no.
We never discussed it again. I suffered seeing him suffer the rest of his life.. and always felt I hadn't spent as much time with him as I should have.
I avoided my brother (never was on very good terms with him, anyhow). It was more or less the end of any relationship I might have had with him. I now imagine maybe he just wasn't thinking when he said what he said. But it still kinda hurt. I could have been more forgiving.

Just say no. Assert yourself! What are you afraid of. Tell your brother youwill sove
the problem by volunteering him to do the job.