Help! MIL thinks her caregiver has been stealing from her. Advice?

Late joining the discussion, but here's my take and suggestions:

1) Despite seeming to be "sharp" in many ways, this is how my mother's early dementia started.
2) Cameras can be useful in many ways, not just to spy on caregivers.
3) Ensure any things of real value are not accessible.

The first "sign" I had for my mother's dementia was repetition - statements, questions, etc. I knew nothing about dementia at that time, so I started online searching, and still learn new things to this day!

In retrospect, the accusations of theft, especially for inexpensive, mundane items is common. When these first "appeared", I dismissed it. It wasn't until later, having learned more, that these accusations made sense. She still lived alone, so the "reports" of theft were not very often repeated - it would have to pop into her head. The first was saying a person painting her BR walls was taking broken jewelry she had set aside to "cash in." I suspect most of these were not of any value, she likely either misplaced them or attempted to cash them in already, but was accusing him. The second instance was so baffling! My OB had been staying there for a week long visit with his wife, my niece and her BF. Mom accused OB of taking her TWEEZERS!!! I only said these are available anywhere, for $2 or less, why would he take them?

So, fast forward to after moving her to MC several years later and cleaning out her stuff. I had bought her another, just to shut her up. I found THREE in the bathroom drawer, and about 5-6 MORE in a plastic container in the dresser drawer!

Since all that's missing is old used paperbacks and possible a dollar here and there, I highly doubt your caregiver is stealing. They could be misplaced, never existed, given or loaned to the CG, thrown out, or just hidden somewhere.

As for getting more care, I don't know all the Medicaid rules, esp not for your state, however there ARE programs in Medicaid that can provide some in home care, likely more hours than the VA can provide. The following was found online:

"And, despite the prevalence of misinformation, a Veteran can receive both the Aid & Attendance benefit and Medicaid, so long as there are out of pocket expenditures toward care costs which are in excess of the Veteran's income."
(at least some of this applies to a spouse of a veteran as well.)

"Does VA aid and attendance affect Medicaid?
VA Aid and Attendance Benefits do not count as income for Medicaid purposes, so he/she may meet income eligibility criteria for Medicaid. Once approved for Medicaid, though, the VA benefit is reduced to $90/month for most recipients."

Aid and Attendance is a monthly payment to the veteran and/or spouse, not money towards the CG (it can be used for hiring the CG.) Since she's already approved for this benefit (CG), she'd likely qualify for the A&A, but note once Medicaid is approved, the benefit is reduced. Getting VA benefits first is important.

Please check out this site for information:

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/home-care

Scroll down to see high level what your state might cover. I wouldn't contact anyone from this site, contact your own state's Medicaid office to get the scoop.

You might be able to get more hours/week through this program.

More info here:

https://www.disabilityrightsca.org/publications/medi-cal-programs-to-help-you-stay-in-your-own-home-or-leave-a-nursing-home

If they pay CGs direct, you may have to find new ones, but if they pay direct to the person, it can be used to hire whoever. More than likely you will get more hours than with VA - not full time, but should be more. It also would let her remain in her home longer. It *might* also expedite transition to a facility, if the need arises, since she'd already be in the system.

My Aunt before we put her in a memory care facility was calling me out for stealing the entire last year I was living with her. She had terrible dementia and we'd always find the stuff she said I stole in the most random areas. She once put an envelope from her bank with 500$ in it in the freezer. Another time, she put the 500$ into the oven and turned it on... good thing I caught that before it burned. This kind of paranoid and forgetful delusional activity only got much worse as each month went by. Near the end, she would forget who I was and call the cops to report a break-in, which was awkward to deal with. It sounds like your mother needs to go to a memory care facility. That is mid to late-stage dementia. I guarantee it. It will only get much worse, and eventually, she'll even forget who you are. That hurts most people pretty badly when their own mother doesn't know who they are or mistakes them for her husband. Now that's an awkward situation.

if you already are receiving benefits, you shouldn’t lose them with a personnel change.

I think it is difficult to be in such a close relationship with anyone.

Try out a different caregiver sometime for a day. Maybe you can find someone who will be a better fit.

From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like the caregiver is stealing from your mother. What is does sound like is your mother has dementia, and is good enough at "showtiming" that no one notices.
Used paperback books? A couple of singles or small change here and there? She isn't taking anything. Your mother most likely told her she could borrow one of the used books. Or gave the caregiver a few dollars to go to the store for her or something. The caregiver can't also be expected to pay for things the client needs or wants. Believe me when I say many times the caregiver is expected to because we're supposed to love our low-wage, laborious job and your elderly "loved ones" just so much.
I've been in elderly homecare for almost 25 years. Many of those years as agency help until I wised up and went private cases only. I can't tell you how many times I've been accused of stealing by some senior with dementia, or by some senior who just wants something to complain and fight about.
I remember at the AL I worked in one senior lady on my service. She always had these butterscotch candies with her because she loved them. Now, she'd pass these candies out to anyone who came near her. She wouldn't let me walk past without pushing a butterscotch candy on me.
Then the accusations that everyone is stealing her candy would start. I'm stole her candy. The other residents stole her candy. The landscaping guys outside mowing the lawn stole her candy. The president stole her candy. Evidently, George W. Bush (the then president) went in her room at the AL and stole her candy.
I'm going to give you some good advice here. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face here by calling the caregiver out on the stealing when you have no proof. Don't have her fired when there's no one to replace her. Your mom forgets where she puts things then the nearest person to her stole it. Then she finds what she's looking for and the caregiver is great.
Always make sure anything valuable is locked up. Don't let your mother have large amounts of cash around, or checkbooks, or credit and debit cards. If the caregiver also has to do you mom's shopping, you give her a certain amount of cash and insist on receipts every week. Or get a debit or credit card with a limit on it for household shopping or if your mom wants something. Have the caregiver use this for the shopping then produce receipts every week. This can also be used if she takes your mom out to eat somewhere too. Once again, show a receipt.

As items are small and not valuable it is difficult to see how you would be able to monitor everything. Valuables can be taken for safe keeping but you cannot take every day things. If necessary you can fit security camera to mother's living and bedrooms so you can drop in and see what is going on at random times, but as most elderly people do develop a less efficient memory I would expect that this is mum forgetting rather than CG taking items of little to no value especially if they reappear. My mother goes through patches of this where someone has stolen her bracelet (found under her pillow), her money (in its envelope in her brief case), her clothes - when she can remember what she actually has and hasn't asked the laundry. It is elderly loss of memory and recent recall in most cases and far less likely CG has anything to do with it apart from possibly moving it. If valuables start to be involved you may have a different matter to deal with.

IMPinky: Imho, before any accusations are made to the caregiver, perhaps the so called stolen items will be found in the home.

IMpinky, if your moms caregiver is new to the industry, I would recommend to her to watch Teepa Snow on YouTube.

This will educate her on what she is seeing, what to expect and how to deal with it. Beneficial for all of you.

This would help her understand that paranoia is absolutely normal and not personal in the event that your mom says something to her.

You are doing a tremendous job dealing with your mom. She is able to freely share with you and that is something that you want to last as long as possible. Keep hearing her and giving her a safe place to share. Please don't try to correct her perception, as long as she is coming around it isn't really a problem. You know that it is the disease and you obviously known your mom and how to reach her, well done! My point is, don't stress about this glitch in mom's reality, cross bridges as you come to them and you will feel so much better.

FYI. When they get a certain age, with or without dementia, whomever is in their house, they will be accused of stealing. I know from experience. The entire 8 years I have been CG’r for my mother, “someone has taken her things”. Mostly I get the blame because I am here 24/7/365. She puts things “in a safe place”. Then whenever she thinks about an item, or money, We “I” get to go on a scavenger hunt. At least 1 or 2 times a week. Seems that is all I ever do.
If you think it might be possible someone is stealing from her, set up a camera, set out bait. But don’t be surprised if it is just her mind playing tricks on you.
Good Luck!

I would install a few cameras in the house. Easy to do and you can monitor her care, etc. Smart thing to do

* You can ask VA / agency to send another person. You can say you suspect and not acuse. (I know VA caregiver care - I use same for my friend).

There are ways to talk about a person without accusing.

IMPORTANT: You cannot accuse 'anyway' (well you could although you don't want to) without proof and you do not want to set up this negative, 'accusatory' discussion / implication of behavior anyway. You can state it from your 'mom's point of view' and we / you do not know if your mom is clear headed or confused.

* People with dementia believe people, even family, are stealing. Check into Teepa Snow's webinars or call her / office and ask about this behavior with people with dementia and they could guide you to specific webinars to watch (and/or provide you input - they are very helpful.)

* I don't know / see if your mom lives alone - I presume so.

* Set up a camera (don't tell your mother - if possible).

* You WANT your mom to feel safe.

* If it is dementia to a degree that she may feel this way with 'anyone,' you will have to figure out how to talk to your mom to feel secure with the caregiver (if possible) - It is also the responsibility of the caregiver agency to talk to your mother, and comfort her. Talk the their manager.

* I'd put out a two $5 bills somewhere as a test and see what happens - to one or both. Again, you may need a camera planted somewhere. This camera is ALSO security for you to watch your mom move around - not 'just' to see what the caregiver is doing although that is critically important, too. However, if you are not there and you relay on your 'mom's' recollection, this may not work, either.

* As a last resort, you may need to move your mom to a less isolated area.

- Yes, caregivers steal. (My friend lost a bullet - blender, brand new in the box. When I looked in the box, it was gone.. By then, so was the caregiver by a few weeks. I am suspecting 'her' out of a few others. We often do not know.

THE KEY IS INTERVIEWING as best as you can before you hire.
Ask questions with specific scenarios and see how they answer.

Gena / Touch Matters

that's not unusual for people with beginning of Alzheimer's to accuse people of stealing; chances are it's not true. What you can do is install cameras in your home which is entirely legal and just notify the caregiver they are being video recorded. It is a good idea to have cameras all over the house since you do have someone with dementia living there just for their safety like if they fall you can call for help. Believe me those cameras are God sent.

Please do not get someone fired over a groundless accusations unless there is proof. That is very malicious. If that is the case do not use paid caregivers.

Sounds as if your mom really likes this caregiver, except when things are misplaced. Good caregivers are hard to find, so hold on to her. Don't argue with your mom or try to convince her otherwise; instead have a sitdown with the caregiver and your mom to plan how to prevent things from getting "misplaced." This should reassure your mom and alert the caregiver just in case there's a bit of truth to the accusations.

i do suggest that all her precious items are kept in a secure place, i.e. if she likes to wear her fine jewelry, keep it in a bank vault and purchase inexpensive lookalike costume pieces instead.

PS - It's very common that persons with dementia accuse others of stealing from them when they've misplaced items.

My clients with dementia have found the most interesting hiding places for their things: in the freezer, under the bed, in the shoes, coat pockets - this can be a problem when their things are sandwiches.

Approach her as a 'colleague' trying to get her assessment of your mom's memory.

"Miss D. I am so worried about my mother and hope you can help. She seems more forgetful. She seems to be misplacing things, like some books and money (or other items she says are missing). Have you noticed a worsening change in her? I have to think about taking her to the doctor to be evaluated. I hope you can reassure me".

This will make her feel like you value her while in effect giving notice that you are aware of things missing without accusing her.

In home health if a patient accused one of us of stealing it could be a faulty memory of an item misplaced or sadly it could be theft. We would then say we would call the police to take a report. If they just didn't like us and nothing was taken, they would back pedal quickly. Sadly, I discovered that a colleague was stealing my patient's (her aunt!!) narcotics. Ironically, the patient didn't need them.

As I left to go visit one of my daily patients, a colleague warned me that she was accusing me of having stolen her rosary beads. She was such a crabby woman her daughter would only take her meals upstairs to her apartment. I got there and said, "I understand you 'lost' your rosary beads'. The look on her face was priceless. I offered to look for them. "maybe they fell into the cushions". After a few minutes of this, I turned to her and said, "Well, at least you know I didn't steal them. I'm Protestant and don't even know what you do with them". If she had accused me in person, I would have called the police in front of her to come take a report. No, she was not demented at all.

I hope this suggestion helps and preserves the relationship.

It's a best practice when you have "strangers" coming into your home, to lock up valuables and financial papers. Get a file cabinet with a lock for the financial papers. You could put a lock on the door of a closet as a place for your mother to store her purse. It's common for seniors whose memory is declining to accuse others of stealing. It may be that they just can't remember where things are or how much money they have in their purse or wallet. There are legal reasons why you should be very careful about accusing an employee of theft. At some point, if your mother becomes irresponsible with money, you could suggest that you take over her financial matters. Sometimes it is a relief for the senior to have this done by someone else. Even before that happens, be sure all of her paperwork is in place: power of attorney for medical and financial matters, living will with her medical directives, a will if she has assets, many financial institutions have their own POA forms, and the POA should be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. Ask for a credit card on her account with your name on it so that you can make purchases for her. If she has assets, you may need an attorney to help with the POA documents and will.

If you're not sure Don't accuse her!

Your MIL lives in a remote area and you might not find a replacement.

My 97 yr old Dad with Dementia will start accusing Caregivers of stealing money, but only when he has a UTI.

In his case, he has no money at the house so I just tell him I put it in the Bank.

You could install a few cameras in the home where you would be able to chk on mil any time 24 7 from your computer or cell phone.

Iuse Nest which wasn't hard to install.

You can explain everything to MIL that you haven't found a replacement yet and just keep saying that.

Good advice below.

The best answer: don't leave anything around that is valuable that she can take.

Install a hidden camera so you have proof.You need to help weed out thiefs from the caregiver ranks that are dishonest.

I would secure any items of value, money, jewelry and keep them with you. Have a set amount of money in Mom's purse, $10, 2 $5's, 5 ones. Keep tabs on it, in case.
Share with caregiver that Mom accuses others of taking her things, when she can't find them. Do this casually, so that she's alerted, but not accused.
More than likely, it's Mom's memory and not a stealing issue.
Because of where you live, it's fortunate that you have someone.
Hopefully, this will continue. If not it's a good idea to be pepared and look at other options.
Last, would it be possible to give the caregiver extra money maybe twice a month to take her and Mom out for lunch or dinner? It would show appreciation for her commitment.

If the stealing is a couple books or couple dollars that's one thing and your mom could have given them to her and forgot.Keep your eyes wide open for now in case there is a real problem.

Do not confront your caregiver or you may lose her.I have been caregiver to my mother in law for 7 years.She praised me and accused me in one sentence many times....it always hurts me so much because I give all my free time to her.Just remember that your mom is no longer the mom that raised you she cannot do the things she was once able to do.This causes suspicion and jealousy for the one doing everything for her.Saturday we spent 400 dollars in groceries for her and pop and by Thursday she claims there is nothing in the house to eat. Also called us in hysterics about a bill from the dermatologist that needed to be paid when we got there she said that she don't remember calling us or where she put the bill.Started crying saying why can't she just send a check? We have been paying her bills for more than two years now because she was overpaying or forgetting to pay them.My advice to you is be careful what you say to the help she may be accusing you next.

I would not dismiss the accusations out of hand. I had a caregiver that everyone loved...but me. Because I was with her most of the time, I was not won over. But, I began to put up with her because it was getting very difficult to hire for my mom due to her many skilled nursing needs...which this care provider could and did do well. The care of my totally dependent mom was never an issue. But, I would come home to strangers in my home, she would be hours late without calling, she sometimes would not show for days claiming car trouble. Between work and my mom’s care I was doing 90 hours a week. I counted on my sister giving me a break 3 times a week in addition to the caregiver watching my mom while I worked PT.

The caregiver began to steal small things like a coffee mug, petty cash in small amounts. I would see that she was washing her filthy dog blankets in my machine as she never did learn to clean out the lint trap. I had front door locks put on all bedroom doors. She found the hidden key and stole about $800. I told my sister and she didn’t believe me. She actually accused other family members. I doubted myself and my own eyes then. So I didn’t move other money I had to a safer location. I was so dependent on this woman also. She ended up stealing another $400 the next day. My sister was still supportive of keeping her, and I felt so vulnerable then. Recently, more than a year later, my housemate discovered that this caregiver also stole items of jewelry from her ... she just had not been aware of this because never wore them in all this time and it never occurred to her that the CG had also found a way into her room, as well. (the same key fit both locks). I share all of this to say that it is a terrible thing not to be believed and your concerns ignored because of dependence on another’s care. I very nearly took my life in the end, between having no life, being utterly exhausted, and having no family that stood up for my needs, in addition to my mother’s. Best to put in cameras and to do small tests, in my opinion...especially if your mother has never exhibited this “paranoia” before.

You made me laugh reading your post, no disrespect intended as I am dealing with the same challenge with my dad and he keeps threatening to call the sherif, he is accusing his caregivers of stealing his papers. We have found his missing papers in the fridge, in his closet, in the medicine cabinet, and the list goes on. I am not saying is true or not true in your case but know that if her memory is failing chances are things are just getting misplaced or given away or thrown away.

Some posts here are suggesting to “test” the integrity of the caregiver and I would strongly dissuade you from it, by asking you…. Could it be possible that the items have been misplaced, or given away? Please do not jump into conclusions, which could impact many and cause someone to lose their job.

suspicions and accusations are easily placed and it grows and it fasters, please be careful into buying into it. Talk to the caregiver, not making accusations but talk to her, you might be surprised in what you find.

Best wishes

Place some nanny cameras in the home to "watch" mom's care. Also have mom agree with you to secure her valuables - preferably with you. Then you can decide for yourself if there is a problem with a caregiver or if it is mom's memory. If it is her memory, you may need to "remind" mom that she agreed to let you "watch" _____ for her. If there is indeed a problem with the caregiver, I like this approach:

1 - Confront the caregiver in a firm but kindly manner. Let the person know what you witnessed and that theft is a serious problem. Decide for yourself if you want to give this person another chance.

2 - Let the agency know that you suspect this person of theft and want them replaced. Share any evidence with the agency.

3 - If there are several instances of problems with one agency, report the agency and go with another one.

Thank you so much to everyone who weighed in, I really appreciate the insight and suggestions, and food for thought. I just googled labor leasing companies and read briefly. I will look at it some more and compare to what I could do with a payroll service and WC on our own. Our CG is not experienced, as this is her first gig. But she's pretty easygoing, and I realize now I probably do need to clue her in about what goes on in Mom's head. Thus far she has not been confronted, but I suppose that could change at any time, and I would hate for her to be blindsided. As for distracting Mom when she has these thoughts, I'll have to really think on that and get ideas from the rest of the family. My natural tendency is to hear her out, sympathize, but let her know what we can and cannot do. And also important, what I myself can/can't or will/won't do. I've learned that I can't just keep extending my capabilities, and am getting better at communicating that.

Again, thank you all so much. This is a great community.

Unfortunately a combination of short term memory problems with an added pinch of fear can result in these 'stealing situations'.

I'm not saying CGs don't ever steal (oh they do!).

A good CG experienced with dementia would know about this behaviour, but not everyone has that life or job experience & may take real offence & quit.

From what you write, it seems a worthwhile plan to keep Mom in her lovley surrounds as long as possible.

Sometimes I think folk picture the *not possible* bit as just end stage. Or the big things like fire risk & constant falls. I used to.

Now I hear more & more that *not possible* is strongly influenced by behaviour. That Fear makes miles of difference between a placid person content with their CG at home - or a person becoming fearful, wandering out the door in search of their 'home' or not trusting the CG to let them in.

I suppose the dilemma is weighing things up. Keep reviewing as you doing right now. What if the CG leaves? Can you get another (in this remote area)? Is it worth keeping this CG at all costs (even if the books etc ARE being stolen) to keep Mom at home longer?

Often there are no right & wrong answers. Trust your gut is all I can offer.

My mother was always hiding money and her "valuables" in her AL room and then accusing anyone of stealing them. I would toss her room and usually find whatever was lost hidden in a sock or the back of a drawer. I would always talk to the director and let her know what was going on just in case mon had said something. They were used to this kind of thing.

I would discuss this with the caregiver so she knows what is happening and stress to Him/Her that they are not a suspect, it's the dementia talking. You need to develop a strategy to distract your Mom when she gets on this path. Hopefully she will forget what she has lost or misplaced.

IMpinky, have you researched labor leasing companies?

Sometimes it is different language to find the right type of services.

But, 45.00 monthly isn't bad for what they are doing. With WC you are looking at 120.00 monthly, how does that break down in savings and additional care hours?

Hopefully, it gives you lots of extra hours by getting rid of the agencies cut.

Good luck!

Grandma1954 (hey that's my birth year!), yes I have been trying to anticipate what will happen a bit further down the road, so was investigating different types of facilities. Thinking that maybe she could do private pay for awhile and then get medicaid. Hopefully transitioning from AL or a small Board & Care into Memory Care. But her income is less than half what the cost would be, and her savings would allow for at most two months of private pay. And unless she receives the Dementia diagnosis when tested, she holds the purse strings very tightly, and will not consent to leaving her lovely home. Can't say I blame her, honestly, this place is like Heaven, on a mountain hillside with a view forever and wild birds frequenting the deck off her living room. The assessment is still six weeks away, enough time for a couple more UTI's and momentary lapses of reason!