I manage a small home healthcare agency in South Florida and I have people call me all the time in exactly the same situation or mind space. Watching people you love become weak, vulnerable, and incapable is the hardest thing in the world. And, they never told us our parents would eventually get revenge for everything we (the children) did to them! (haha)
I would suggest that the context you have about your parents and your responsibilities needs shifting. After all, context is decisive (if you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't).
Please take some time to reflect on the Context you have for "My parent's caregiver". I would guess it's something like, "I don't want to", "I shouldn't have to", "I can't do it" or something along those lines. Or, it may be something like "it's not fair", "why me?", or "what the ___?". Consider your emotions too. Are you sad, angry, scared, incapable, or something else?
It may take some work and some time to get really honest (authentic) with yourself, but once you can see the context that is stopping you, you can begin to create an entirely new context for "My parent's caregiver".
I don't know what it might be for you, but standing in your love, commitment, respect, gratitude, responsibility, or whatever that looks like for you, I would invite you to create a new context that motives, empowers, and maybe even excite you as your parent's Caregiver.
That was beautifully said! I also am, "My Mom's Caregiver", and it isn't at all an easy job. I have 2 siblings left, and I get very angry and resentful towards them for their lack of involvement! And,even though I know better, I get edgy with my mother because I feel it isn't fair. Damn it!! She is my most important important person and the only mom I have, so I really really try to be so so patient. Thank you.
I hear you loud and clear, I feel your pain. I’ve been EXACTLY where you are now. You will not get motivated to go. Just Go and do whatever you usually do when you get there. The first chance you get, take a break. If the chance doesn’t just come, STOP whatever . . . and make it happen.
Go sit in a room by yourself, close the door and do nothing for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. NOTHING! Or . . .
Go sit on the porch, the deck, the balcony, in the backyard, anywhere away from the caregiving environment. Do NOTHING for 5, 10, or 15 minutes.
Back to caregiving . . . if you MUST. Then, repeat the above every time you start feeling stressed.
It won’t cure you, but it definitely HELPS. Try to Not feel guilty, you’re doing the best you can.
I’m keeping you in my prayers. Give it to GOD, HE will give you what you need.
Exactly the way I feel right now. I cry because I have to come. I cry because I feel bad about crying. I cry because I don’t see an end to the situation. I cry because I am even thinking about an end to the situation. I have not tried taking a walk because if I leave her alone she “gets into trouble”. I don’t think I could relax on a wall because I wonder what I will find when I get back.
Ltlmrmd Get a couple of wifi cameras in which you can monitor your Mom from your smartphone. Many are inexpensive and simple to set up and will bring you some peace of mind.
First thing right off the bat...STOP FEELING GUILTY!!! There is not much info in your profile so I am taking a stab in the dark on this and I may be off base. I am assuming you have siblings that all take turns caring for mom and dad probably still "living" in their home. You all are "propping them up" they are not living, they are surviving. And only because you all are carrying the load! I am guessing you are not the only one that is tired and needs motivation to go when it is their turn. I think a family meeting is in order and decisions need to be made about how best care for mom and dad. Is Assisted Living an option or is Memory Care what one or both need? Depending on their ages and conditions does the family want to do this for the next 5. 10, 15 years? there are resources that can help. Is either one of the or both Veterans? If so the VA might be of help depending on where and when the service was it could be a little help or a LOT. Is hiring caregivers that will come in and help an option? Do they need 24/7 care? Are they safe alone at night? Or does the sibling who's turn it is stay with them until the next "shift" shows up? If so that is completely unfair to everyone's families.
sorry if this is not the motivation you wanted but hopefully it is motivation that you need.
This applies to anyone who has responsibilities for taking care of others - regardless of who they are (relationship) and why. People can do just so much given what their own personal lives consist of and their personalities and abilities. Not everyone is able to care for others and when those others have behaviors and needs that are seriously impacting those who care for them - then S T O P. Either find help to step in so as to relieve YOU or face the fact it might be time to place them. Do not let these people destroy YOUR lives because of what you feel are obligations. You have a right to live your life and they have lived their lives. It may sound cruel but it is realistic - you have to learn to listen to the warning signs that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and take appropriate action before you are destroyed.
Hang in there. First, be thankful you're not living with them and that you take turns with others caring for them. My husband had a massive stroke in 2012 following what was to be routine day surgery. I have been his full-time primary caregiver ever since. I literally had to put my life on hold because there have been no family members close by to help. At first I was able to enjoy some respite through state funding but since Covid, all that changed. Second, I agree with others. Make time for yourself no matter what! My faith in God and our amazing church family is all that's held me together. One day I was married to an amazing handsome healthy cowboy then the next my married life was over and I was caring for an adult child. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. 🙏
I used to walk up to my mom's apartment thinking. "I hate this. I hate that she keeps getting worse. I hate that I never know what I will find. I hate that I can't make her better." It didn't change the situation, but it helped me brace myself for dealing with the situation. I love my mom, and did everything I could for her, but it was important to recognize how hard it was for me to be her caregiver. Just putting my feelings into words and identifying what was stressing me out was helpful. Then I could identify what made me strong. I have good health. I had people helping me. I am competent to deal with problems.
Caregivers also need breaks. Have you had a break or vacation recently? Is it possible to hire aides to take your place? Get connected with a local social worker or adviser who can advise you and your siblings what your parents options are. Seek counseling for your feelings of "being drained."
For something like this all you can do is just put one foot in front of another and take care of business. Try and find humor throughout the day to lessen the stress and lighten the mood.
You don't say how many of you take turns caring for your parents. Maybe its time to look at other options. Hiring home care-givers on mom and dad's dime to assist.
Or maybe it's time to look at caregiving facilities to move them into letting trained staff do the day to day care of your parents, while you and sibs make sure their needs are met and visit as loving children.
Don't forget to take care of yourself - when its not your day/s take some time to pamper yourself. I like to go out to breakfast with a good book and be waited on.
You're right that Kaye55 should stop going to take care of her parents if it's endangering her mental and physical health. However, it would be wrong for her to just stop going unless she's made an arrangement for her caregiving days to be covered. That's not fair to put her share of the burden on the shoulders of the other siblings when they're already carrying their own.
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I would suggest that the context you have about your parents and your responsibilities needs shifting. After all, context is decisive (if you think you can you will, if you think you can't you won't).
Please take some time to reflect on the Context you have for "My parent's caregiver". I would guess it's something like, "I don't want to", "I shouldn't have to", "I can't do it" or something along those lines. Or, it may be something like "it's not fair", "why me?", or "what the ___?". Consider your emotions too. Are you sad, angry, scared, incapable, or something else?
It may take some work and some time to get really honest (authentic) with yourself, but once you can see the context that is stopping you, you can begin to create an entirely new context for "My parent's caregiver".
I don't know what it might be for you, but standing in your love, commitment, respect, gratitude, responsibility, or whatever that looks like for you, I would invite you to create a new context that motives, empowers, and maybe even excite you as your parent's Caregiver.
Caregiver", and it isn't at all an easy job. I have 2 siblings left, and I get very angry and resentful towards them for their lack of involvement! And,even though I know better, I get edgy with my mother because I feel it isn't fair. Damn it!! She is my most important important person and the only mom I have, so I really really try to be so so patient. Thank you.
Go sit in a room by yourself, close the door and do nothing for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. NOTHING! Or . . .
Go sit on the porch, the deck, the balcony, in the backyard, anywhere away from the caregiving environment. Do NOTHING for 5, 10, or 15 minutes.
Back to caregiving . . . if you MUST. Then, repeat the above every time you start feeling stressed.
It won’t cure you, but it definitely HELPS. Try to Not feel guilty, you’re doing the best you can.
I’m keeping you in my prayers. Give it to GOD, HE will give you what you need.
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There is not much info in your profile so I am taking a stab in the dark on this and I may be off base.
I am assuming you have siblings that all take turns caring for mom and dad probably still "living" in their home.
You all are "propping them up" they are not living, they are surviving. And only because you all are carrying the load!
I am guessing you are not the only one that is tired and needs motivation to go when it is their turn.
I think a family meeting is in order and decisions need to be made about how best care for mom and dad.
Is Assisted Living an option or is Memory Care what one or both need?
Depending on their ages and conditions does the family want to do this for the next 5. 10, 15 years?
there are resources that can help.
Is either one of the or both Veterans? If so the VA might be of help depending on where and when the service was it could be a little help or a LOT.
Is hiring caregivers that will come in and help an option?
Do they need 24/7 care? Are they safe alone at night? Or does the sibling who's turn it is stay with them until the next "shift" shows up? If so that is completely unfair to everyone's families.
sorry if this is not the motivation you wanted but hopefully it is motivation that you need.
My husband had a massive stroke in 2012 following what was to be routine day surgery. I have been his full-time primary caregiver ever since. I literally had to put my life on hold because there have been no family members close by to help. At first I was able to enjoy some respite through state funding but since Covid, all that changed.
Second, I agree with others. Make time for yourself no matter what!
My faith in God and our amazing church family is all that's held me together.
One day I was married to an amazing handsome healthy cowboy then the next my married life was over and I was caring for an adult child.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. 🙏
It didn't change the situation, but it helped me brace myself for dealing with the situation. I love my mom, and did everything I could for her, but it was important to recognize how hard it was for me to be her caregiver. Just putting my feelings into words and identifying what was stressing me out was helpful. Then I could identify what made me strong. I have good health. I had people helping me. I am competent to deal with problems.
You don't say how many of you take turns caring for your parents. Maybe its time to look at other options. Hiring home care-givers on mom and dad's dime to assist.
Or maybe it's time to look at caregiving facilities to move them into letting trained staff do the day to day care of your parents, while you and sibs make sure their needs are met and visit as loving children.
Don't forget to take care of yourself - when its not your day/s take some time to pamper yourself. I like to go out to breakfast with a good book and be waited on.
You're right that Kaye55 should stop going to take care of her parents if it's endangering her mental and physical health.
However, it would be wrong for her to just stop going unless she's made an arrangement for her caregiving days to be covered.
That's not fair to put her share of the burden on the shoulders of the other siblings when they're already carrying their own.