Snowycoco Asked September 2021

Should I have lied?

My elderly mom fell down a week ago and was admitted to the hospital for surgery as her flesh was peeled off. After multiple surgeries for wound cleaning and skin grafting, she is now insisting to go home. But my family won't be able to take care of her fully for 2 weeks as required by my hospital. We are thinking of sending her to a senior care hospital where there's nurses but she's refusing. Today she called and asked me to lie to her doctor that I can take care of her at home. I refused and she ended the phone call in anger.

Should I have helped her? All I want is the best care for her. We are unable to hire someone at home to help either as her apartment is small.

Sorry I'm ranting from this point onwards... feeling so hurt and helpless as she implying that I'm unfilial and not following her wishes. She loved my brother more than me as I defy her in my younger days. She's not asking him to lie for her but only me... Her words are stabbing my heart today and it feels like I have not done enough for her. My bro being the golden boy in her eyes, will never do wrong by her. Even if he suggested seniorcare, she will think the idea is from me and shut him down. She knows my bro will listen to her in the end and get her home... It just feels like I'm so alone in this decision.

Now I am undecided and feeling conflicted because of her reaction in the phone call. really afraid that if I continued to resist she will hate me and no longer forgive me. So should I lie to her doctor for her?

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No of course you should not have lied to her doctor. It would have been fantastically irresponsible and stupid to do so.

Your mother needs to complete her recovery in the appropriate clinical setting, where professional wound care and therapies are available. Nobody is locking her away, nobody is abandoning her. If she *really* wants to get back to her home, the best way to do it is to work conscientiously with the team at the SNF to ensure she heals fully. Tell her to grit her teeth and knuckle down to it.

Helpful Answer (26)

Why isn't she being sent to Rehab. Medicare pays the first 20days 100%, 21 to 100 days, 50%. She needs to get her strength back and woundcare can be done there too.

I so would not care for this woman in my home. If she likes brother best, let him care or set up care for her. Your history with Mom shows this will not work.

Let her be angry. My daughter just finished a book called Boundries by Townsend and cloud. The one thing that stuck out for her was
"When you say NO, you are not responsible for how people respond to that"

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"Guilt is self imposed" and "No is a one word sentence"

Helpful Answer (17)

OK first BREATHE.

Second. What's the bigger picture? Mom wants to go home. Mom is trying out her best tools to make that happen.

Her best tool may be those 'heart daggers' on you. Call it manipulation, call it emotional blackmail, or call it a scared old lady just wanting to go home 🙁

Snowycoco, time for a shield for you! Honesty and Common Sense make good defences.

Statement A "Mom, I want you to go home too". (honesty)

Statement B "Your Doctor says XYZ right now is best". (common sense)

Any requests to lie get statement A or B on REPEAT.

Please somehow lose that guilt. (And thicken up your shield in case the daggers get bigger!)

Helpful Answer (17)

Your mother is only thinking about what she wants and is willing to sacrifice you to get her way. What happens if she goes home? Will golden boy take care of her or will your life be thrown into chaos? I will say what someone said to me. Your mother wants her life to be as she chooses and expects you to turn your life upside down, so she does not have to adjust to reality. She won't change, so you must learn how to respond to her demands. I had an almost identical situation after a fall and hospitalization for hip surgery. My mother wanted to go home instead of rehab. I was was working full time and up for promotion. She got her elderly sister to stay with her and I had two to worry about. I brought my aunt back to her assisted living apartment and told my mother she could either go to rehab or wait to fall again. She fell again. Yes I felt guilt but I was tired of upending my life so she could have no inconvenience whatsoever. I did so much, but it was never enough. Learn to set limits now. It took me way too long.

Helpful Answer (15)

Amen! My brother lived with my parents, never having moved out. He helped our mother care for our father and then cared for her after our father died. They all lied to the doctors. My mother and brother described to me a full-blown seizure that my father had. When I mentioned it to the doctor, they denied it.

My father was livid and verbally abusive when I refused to cancel a trip to run the 70+ miles over to their house because “your mother’s developed Alzheimer’s” overnight. She, of course, had not but was worn out from his constant demands for attention and to be waited on.

I was a teacher, commuting 80 miles a day and dealing with a great deal of pressure at school. On weekends I tried to catch up on sleep, grade projects and assignments, and take care of my house. My mother would call to snipe at me for not coming over every weekend. “What, are you too good to visit your sick mother?”

After awhile you have to ignore it and take care of you. Don’t wait as long as I did to stand up for you and your family. You deserve it.

(2)

Yes, you should have lied... not to her treating doctor as she requested (that in itself is pretty low, placing the burden and guilt at your feet - what if something went wrong? You would be blamed); but you should lie to your mother by saying the hospital/doctor is sending her to [ ... ] for a few days to get better. No argument, no further discussion - it's out of your hands.

Reassure your mother with regular visits as she may be fearing things are being taken away from her control ('They are going to leave me here and then ship me off into a facility!') - such are the machinations of the elderly, particularly when confused after a fall, as realisation of incapacity starts to sink in.

Anger is a response to fear, so don't let it tear you apart; and try to keep a clear line of communication with family to avoid projecting doubts onto yourself - solidarity in the interests of mother's wellbeing will outnumber any of her protestations. You are doing the right thing!

Helpful Answer (13)

That's an excellent suggestion--and it's actually true.

(1)

She should be discharged to rehab for as long as it takes for her to recover sufficiently.
If you or other family members can not care for her what good would it do to send her home only to have to return to the hospital with an infection or a break of a bone when she falls trying to something she should not do. It would be more time in hospital and rehab.
If she wants to return home and be as independent as possible she should follow the advice of the doctors.
Tell her that the reason you will not lie to the doctors is that you love her and want her to get better and be safe.

Helpful Answer (9)

I have a question for everyone here: why does it seem like so many more daughters seem to feel this filial guilt than sons? I'm a son who has taken care of both my wife's parents, my father, and now my 99 year old mother. I've failed at all those things (in that they eventually died) except for my mother, and, except for my MIL, have unresolved anger toward all of them. However, all that care I and my wife have given them was our decision. Both my sister and brother and my wife's sisters and brothers bowed out of all of it, and there have been plenty of days and nights over the past fifteen years when it was almost too much for either of us. If I had to feel guilt on top of that, I couldn't have done it. I don't know what to suggest, but guilt is a terrible decision-maker and a waste of time.

Helpful Answer (9)

Hard to answer that. In many ways, women are viewed more as the "carers", but that doesn't make it right either. There are men on the forum who perform care-giving for a LO (spouse, parent, siblings.) Sadly, more often than not it does fall onto the woman's plate to provide the care AND sometimes take the abuse. Some people are just abusive and it just gets worse with age (or dementia.)

While both my brothers eagerly said for the kind of money MC was charging they'd take care of her (sticker shock - knew nothing about dementia and didn't bother to check), neither stepped up. OB isn't local, so the last time he was here to assist with the condo (a few weeks total vs 2.75 years for me!), I suggested he go visit her, as it would be long time before another visit, if ever. He spent very little time there and refused to go back again stating he "didn't know what to do with her"! YB initially would visit and/or join us for special occasions, but that stopped quickly and he resented being asked to transport her to appointments after she refused to stand and walk unassisted. This was in her last year, I did all the other transporting, visiting, etc for the 4 years in MC and several years before that. OB was, BTW, the "golden boy." Imagine how hurt she would be if she knew/understood what he said. There's still a little more "duties" to perform to finish off the funds (she passed in December), but other than having to mail a check to them, I am finished with both of them!

Some of us do feel the need and/or obligation to do what we can to help or ensure their care is provided. Others, despite being raised by the very same people, don't. So much for blood being thicker than water, eh?

(0)

You did the right thing.

IF for no other reason that wound care is almost a 24/7 job in itself. You have kids. They come first.

I cared for both my FIL and my dad, overlapping by 6 months. My kids didn't see 'service and love' they saw that mom was never home and resented it. (2 tween-age brats)(they're lovely now, but then--hoo-ee, what stinkers).

I did provide the level of care required but it took it's toll.

Don't answer the phone. That's the magic of a phone. You can call screen. Talking to someone who pushes all your buttons is awful--wait until you have time and patience to talk to mom and then call HER.

Helpful Answer (8)

You did the right thing and the tough thing. You understand that your mother needs care that nobody can provide at home. By telling your mom the truth about her circumstances, you have reinforced the only viable solution. Unfortunately, this is not a solution your mom likes. He likes and dislikes are her business to deal with, not yours.

Helpful Answer (7)

By all means, please do not lie to the doctor. This is a serious issue, not a little fib. She is wrong to ask you to do this. Period. Also, it is medically unwise. In this situation you have to be the adult, consulting the doctor and seeing she gets the needed care. You cannot do this at her home. In reality you would not be doing the wise thing by lying. Stand firm. Truly it is for her own safety.

Helpful Answer (7)

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