Okay, I’m from an Italian family. The way it always goes with my old time family members is you take care of your parents no matter what, in your house and you take care of them until the end. I’ve had mom here a month I just cannot do it! I tried, she needs 24/7 care. I work full time and am soo tired all the time, I can’t believe It’s taking a toll of my health. She’s fallen a couple times had multiple accidents. She has trouble walking and standing alone. Someone checks on her during the day but I don’t think that’s working. I won’t have in home help because I have 3 dogs one that may bite. And are unpredictable with strangers. I’ve never had high blood pressure, now I suddenly do. My cousin is my age she has my aunt living with them. I feel so guilty and ashamed. They will never understand and think I’m an awful daughter and probably not look at me again. What would I do about the family? How do I deal with them and all of it?
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“If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.”
Maybe take Barb’s words and capitalize all the YOU words.
As in: YOUR livelihood. YOUR ability…
Cause it won’t be THEM possibly breaking down with this burden. It will be YOU.
THEIR lives will go on as they are today.
In my mind, anyone not doing the hands on care, gets zero votes.
Precisely.
Too many people who say "but family" and "it takes a village" fail to actually show up to BE that family and village.
You absolutely need a village here to help your mom. So unless the family will all show up and contribute as much as you need them to, Assisted Living IS the village.
This is going to sound harsh.
If the opinions of the elders in your culture means more to you than your livelihood and your ability to eventually retire, then quit your job and stay home with your mom. I can almost guarantee that you will end up impoverished, depressed and bitter.
If you want to live in this century, in this culture and economy, you will need to develop a thick skin and a lighthearted set of responses to your diapproving elders.
Times change. In former times, people had dozens of children and there was always an ugly unmarriageable daughter who was the designated martyr.
I am grateful I live now and not then.
Haha! Sadly very true! :)
My grandparents had 4 children……3 girls and 1 son. One of the daughters didn’t work. After my grandmother passed my grandfather still lived alone in his home. He fell a couple of times and the last time he ended up in the hospital.
None of the children offered to let him live with them & he decided it was safer for him to go in a nursing home and he ended up enjoying the company of the other residents & the activity.
Do not feel guilty about wanting the best care for your mom. She lived her life & you have to think of your own future and plan for what you will do.
Sending you my best wishes and hugs.
Dealing with family members and someone who needs 24/7 care can bring out a lot of anger and grief, especially when there are differences in expectations. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. What would your family do if a stroke incapacitated you? Do you have POA set up? Even with a loved one in assisted living there’s a lot to do if you love them. A therapist might help you weather this time, especially one who knows caregiving and elder issues. Good luck!
The goal here is to keep your mother safe. Repeat that-- keep your mother safe. She's already had multiple accidents, falls, has trouble walking and standing. You cannot keep her safe, end of story.
Those families that take care of their parents 'until the end'-- let's discuss that idea. Isn't there usually an extended family system, which means multiple generations living under roof who can help take care of the elder? Do you have additional team members (family) living with you, or are you trying to do this by yourself? Do you really think it's fair to expect that of yourself?
Of course you're tired and your blood pressure has gone up. You are already stressed and stretched to the max. News flash! You are entitled to live your life, go to work, get some rest, go on a vacation, have a relationship....you get the idea. Your whole life is not required to be dedicated and donated to your parent as the expense of your life. No wonder you feel guilty if that is your mind set.
As to the shame, guilt, and all of those other ingrained emotional reactions? Find a therapist, quick. All you are doing is trying to keep your mother safe until the end of her life. I'd say that you deserve praise from your family for your efforts. And, if someone else thinks they can do it better, let them try it for a day or two. They will quickly see that this is an impossible situation.
You are on the right path. Keep going. Take care of yourself so you can be a loving daughter to your mother.
Today? Women at work, less kids to help, all grow & move away.
Myself I have 2 parents. Have 2 sibs but 1 disabled needs care also & the other miles away. Cousins all helping their own parents.
Not whinging. Just facts of modern life.
Explain as you can. Mama needed more than I can do BY MYSELF. I have to work to feed my children etc.
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