How do I cope with lying to my mother?

I think the key is to somehow separate what You think and what Mom thinks about things.

Another way to put it is *accepting her reality differs to yours*.

So no discussion on 'untruths'. That way just causes brain pain for you (as you are finding).

Some examples from the tales I hear;

Mom: the cleaning lady stole my purse.
You: we will get it back

Don't discuss it never happened. Vision + memory probelms mean if an object is not in SIGHT - it can get confablulated into being stolen.

Mom: I'm going to stay with Aunt Betty in 2 weeks!
You: how lovely for you

Again, no discussion that this isn't planned or Aunt Betty actually died 2 years back. Just wishful thinking. Find some old photos of Betty if possible to reminisce instead.

Mom: I certainly did NOT agree to (change clothes/visit the Doctor/have a shower/whatever).
You: oh, ok

Needs to feel in control. Let her settle & try again as a brand new request.

Takes 2 to argue. So nod & smile instead. "Oh really? Oh I see. Umm hmm".

My sister's catch-all is "that's interesting".

If fibbing keeps mom calm and thus me calm I’m all for it!

One word that’s worked for me when mom gets worked up about a future place to stay/car/event ( usually in her mind ) is I say, “ don’t worry, it’s all pre-arranged.” I usually repeat it a couple of times but for us it has worked well so far. Plus this is usually true anyway!

I’ll also nod and say something along the lines of, “ I can see that might be a problem, but we don’t have to deal with it right today. “ She likes that one too.

If it’s a conversation that’s not dreadful I just dive in. The other week she said she was going to have to change the roller skating reservations across the street for the family because it was bad timing for some people - including my father ( deceased! ) who would have to travel a ‘long way’. In this case mom was so matter-of-fact and not upset so I said that was a lovely idea, let’s reschedule. To this day this is one of my favorite exchanges. A roller skating party sounds great!

This will get easier with practice. Frankly I still stumble a lot but unfortunately the practice keeps ramping up. I’m learning to enjoy the better conversations about made-up hotels, airplane trips, and roller skating. Take care and blessings to you!

Well...I am going to take the last part of your problem to begin with.
Mom should no longer be doing her own financial commitments. Someone else should be in charge of all her financial affairs.
There is no sense in starting or getting into an argument with a person with dementia you will NEVER "win"

As to something that she tosses out that takes you off guard simply say...
"Gee I don't know I am going to have to check that out"
This gives her a response to the question or statement and gives you time to figure out a better response. A response that you may or may not actually need. I think you will find many things really do not need an accurate response, answer. Just carry on conversation.
Try to think of it as writing a story. Creative writing in real time.
And when something really throws you and can not come up with a response just change the subject. Simply say..."OH! I forgot...." then start your new thought line. It is not lying it is changing the subject.

As my mother's dementia progressed I also felt guilty 'lying' to her, as I am very honest by nature, but also because my mom used to say she hated liars! At a holiday gathering with neighbors, their priest was a guest and the subject of our loved ones with dementia came up I brought up what I learned in an Alzheimer's support group, the concept of 'the therapeutic lie'. The priest listened and then charmingly said, 'Aren't they all?" Yes, hilarious, and kind of helps take off some of the guilt of 'little white lies' to help us cope with a vastly changed interpersonal landscape. You will get better at 'thinking on your feet' when you keep your mother's peace of mind the focus; don't confuse her, just 'redirect' and 'reframe' an issue.

I found it very hard to lie to my dad too. I finally had to in many cases to keep things calm. It’s a disease of the mind so it’s a lot different than coping with another type of disease. If you have to argue with her about paying bills it’s time for you to be doing it instead of her. You may have to have legal help to become her guardian if she won’t turn it over to you cooperatively.

Give yourself time to think with an automatic response like ‘I’ll have to think about that for a while’, or ‘Perhaps I need to check on that again’. Dementia may mean that she will have forgotten and you can start again. And remember that dementia means that you do what is needed, not what she wants to believe.

Any statements she makes aren't lies and they aren't misinterpretations. Her statements are the absolute truth... in her mind. If you try to correct her, how does that go? If you in your reality say something to someone that you believe is the truth, and they, in their opinion, refute your words, what is your reaction? How do you feel? Would there be an argument? A confrontation? When you place yourself in your mom's reality you're not lying, you're not pretending, you're validating her concerns. It's a strategy you have to practice. There are several terms we use to describe our responses, lying is not one of them. In his book “The Problem of Alzheimer's”, Jason Karlawish uses the term “loving deception”. Certainly, when we hear someone make an incorrect statement, we intuitively want to correct them. That doesn't work with a dementia patient. We tell our children about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, are we lying, or our we simply trying to relate to them at their level? As caregivers to someone with dementia, our roles are reversed. The child, the caregiver, becomes the parent, and the parent, the one with dementia, becomes the child. There is no “automatic response template”, being a caregiver is all on the job training.

So educated yourself on being a caregiver to someone with dementia. Start by reading books or Googling “dementia”. “The
36 Hour Day” is great primer for caregivers.

You're in a bad position w/o POA and paying your mother's bills with your own money which is a bad idea. You should see an Elder Care attorney right away to see how to go about getting POA for a mother who now has dementia; I don't know how such a thing is possible, now that she's incapacitated. She can't pay her own bills, but if you can write the checks and get her to sign them, at least for now, that would be a good start.

As far as lying goes, you're applying rules of normalcy to a situation that's anything BUT normal. Normal flew out the window when mom started down the road to dementia, and that's the truth. My mother is 94 and has advanced dementia, lives in a Memory Care ALF. So last night she calls me and says she has to 'figure out how to get downtown to a different hotel'. This calls for ME to be a bit of a sleuth. Naturally, I have to 'lie' and make up stories of my own to handle the situation she's created, right? So I tell her to turn on the TV and watch some shows, that I'll call her a cab to pick her up in the morning and take her downtown. She immediately calms down b/c I've 'handled the situation.' I'm not 'lying', per se, but doing what's required to appease a demented mind and calm the situation down. Call it what you'd like; but I call it love and caring. Her mind is gone now; she feels like her siblings and parents are still alive, too, so I tell her whatever I MUST tell her to keep her relaxed and not upset.

Here is a link to an article on the subject of what's known as "Therapeutic Fibbing" to patients with dementia & why it's a good idea:
https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/

For me, the toughest thing is being caught off guard with all the nonsensical things my mother says to me; all the stories she tells & situations she invents. I have to be fast on my feet to come up with something to tell HER in response, and that's a challenge! Dementia creates a whole new set of crazy situations for us to deal with ALL the time, and it's difficult, that's for sure.

I echo what sjplegacy has suggested in getting a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a wonderful reference guide to dementia. It will help you sort thru the muck and the mire you're faced with right now. Together with getting some sound advice from an Elder Care attorney, that will set you on a path to some kind of plan of action moving forward. Don't discount placement in a Memory Care ALF down the road if/when her care becomes too much for you to handle. I read your profile and see that you're facing stage 4 cancer yourself, and you have a LOT on your plate to deal with. Please make sure to take care of yourself in this process; your life is important here too!!!

Wishing you the very best of luck on both fronts; with your health and with your mother's dementia. If you can, try to just keep her calm, don't argue with her off-the wall comments, and just keep the peace w/o letting things escalate into big fights. I know how hard that is; to KNOW she's making wild statements that you WANT to correct, but it's always a bad idea to do that where dementia is involved. It's a slippery slope we walk with these elders, and I feel for you. Sending you a big hug and a prayer that God helps you through all of the challenges you face.

There is no point in trying to "correct her.". Her statements are what she sees and believes. Acknowledge her statements and suggest that you will look into that problem. Don't try to persuade her that her perception is untrue..

Concurring with Grandma1954, someone else should be handling your mother's finances and bill paying. Period.

The trick is to STOP CORRECTING HER!
If she thinks it, there isn't anything you can say to change what she thinks. If she thinks it, it's true to her so let her think it.
The only thing that one needs to be corrected on is their medication but I'm sure there's no problem there because I figure she's not in charge of her own medication.

Ask yourself is it better to be Right or have Peace?

My 96 yr old Dad will say things and I just let him tell the story his way. He is a retired fireman and once he was telling me about 100 fireman were dancing around downtown naked and I just said how did you hear about it and he said I read it in the paper and it was all over the TV. I said no I haven't heard about it and wow Dad, that's crazy isn't it and he saud yes it is and there you go, an intertaining story,
he also told me to not forget to tell my husband and I saud I would.
No Harm Done.
Remember they are in their own little world and unless it's harming themself or someone else, don't worry about it. Let them have their fantasy world.
LIke when you're a kid and believing in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy....None of those things hurt me believing and talking about it.
Think of Seniors as big babies or kids.

Most are born in this world wrinkled and bullhead and pooping your pants and if you live long enough, that's how you leave this world