Repairs! Expectations? How to say no to taking on house repairs?

"No" is a complete sentence. Until you learn that, and walk away from his tantrums, nothing will change. "...taking apart his scooter and lifting in and out of vehicle..." are you kidding me? Toughening up takes practice. It starts with you telling him "no, I can't possibly do that."

OMGosh, we could be twins!

I was raised by a dad who taught all of us basic work skills, so I could use the power tools, the lawnmower, all the household appliances, the car--how to troubleshoot and sometimes just fix something. Basic life skills.

Wow--have those skills stood me in good stead over the course of my marriage! My DH traveled about 75% of the time and I simply COULDN'T wait for him to come home and replace the old water heater or fix a sprinkler line.

He went out of town, blissfully unaware that I was doing everything short of the electrical repair and pouring concrete (though I can do that, to an exent).

I had major foot surgery 7 weeks ago that sidelined me completely. Like--bedridden. Suddenly he has all MY chores on top of trying to work from home and take nominal care of me. He was in over his head, big time. Exhausted every day and told me about it. No sympathy from this quarter :)

We have a heavy glass front door which needed the 'closure mechanisms' replaced. The door should have stayed propped open on it's own, but the closer broke, oh, 10 years ago. He refused to let me hire it done--and I would have done it on my own, but it bugged me only when bringing groceries in. 4 weeks ago he was carrying in a BIG grocery shop and the door was slamming shut in his face. He got angry--at the door, I guess, IDK, but I said "That's it! I'm calling a dude". He blew up and I said "B, it's been 10 YEARS that has needed fixing. You won't fix it, you won't let me and you won't let me hire it out. This is RIDICULOUS!"

I guess I must have been on the verge of a meltdown b/c we have a LOT of these little 'honey dos' that honey DON'T do. And never will.

I am not going to rehab to the little non-stop worker bee that he's used to. (He doesn't even know what day garbage day is--that's how much I've spoiled him!)
I'm still in recovery from cancer, shingles, COVID and now this surgery. I'm tired...just bone deep. Plus, at age 65, I feel like I deserve to be able to spread our money amongst small local business, which is who now does my lawn, my housecleaning and grocery delivery!

I don't see how you can talk to him without some 'heat'. My DH only really responds to me when I am crying and what he calls 'out of control'. I hate having to go there to get him to listen to me. I have literally gotten down on my knees in front of him and BEGGED for small jobs to either be done within a reasonable length of time or I will hire the job out. So humiliating--but it works.

I realize your DH has some deficits, so that may not be the tactic to use with him. What DOES affect him? Straight talk--just kind,, but factual and honest. "DH, I am 72 years old and I do not want to play this game anymore. I'm retiring from being your dogsbody". And then hold firm.

Point out to him that work like running sprinkler line is inherently dangerous to our ankles. Trust me, this broken ankle has slowed me to a literal depressing crawl. And I now have 8 weeks of rehab ahead of me.

Simply STOP helping him. I told DH he really needed to keep up on the lawn watering in the backyard as we do not have sprinklers (a job that's been on the back burner for 42 years)....and within 2 weeks of over 100 temps, the lawn and gardens are all dead.

It took having stuff right in his face to see that somethings ARE worth doing on your own and some are totally worth jobbing out.

Be tough. I know when I say anything about anything needing to be fixed--he says "I can do that!" Yes, he can do about anything, but he doesn't--and I would never care if he'd let someone else do it!

I remember being outside mowing the lawn when I was undergoing chemo. My neighbors were appalled and DH was so embarrassed. But he would wait so long between mowings it was like harvesting wheat.

Hang tight. Be tough. You deserve to retire!

Check into a nice hotel for a week and leave DH to fend entirely for himself while you order room service and daily massages. Turn your cell phone off and turn the ringer off the room phone, letting the front desk know you're not to be disturbed.

During the week you're gone, DH should experience a nice wake up call about how it feels to be alone and without any help, and without you doing ANY of his bidding or listening to ANY of his infantile tantrums.

See how he likes it, because you can arrange to be gone permanently if he doesn't stop the nonsense and start treating you as a beloved wife instead of a slave laborer he can order around.

Stop allowing the abuse immediately and recognize your worth. Then demand your husband recognize it as well. Otherwise you don't have much of a marriage left to salvage. At 72 years old, you deserve to be treated with respect and love. Please know that and accept nothing less. Enough is enough.

You don't have to do any manual labor repairs. Most ladies in their 70's don't, why should you just because your husband expects you to?
And - don't forget - most repairs are not emergencies. Sometimes they don't get done for years or at all by some people.
Just call a Plumber, Handyman, etc and let them in when they arrive. I think your husband will accept this - if you stand firm.

I'm one who always did the repairs, have major knee injuries - and now I have to hire out 99% of repairs. Annoys me having to hire people, but that's the way it is. When you can't do it - you can't do it.

"he throws a tantrum. Ultimately (so far) I give in"

Like in Groundhog Day, that big puddle on the street. You see it. You know you are heading towards it - yup. Splash again.. So HOW to step around it? HOW to cross the road? 🤔

Losing independence is hard. DH probably wants to stay in control.

My 1st idea is put it kindly & give him control you can "I just can't do that job - I'm getting old too - we need to accept hiring someone. We can choose Bob or Bill." Then let him have some input & control in the hiring choice.

2nd idea is be a bit slippery. Just casually mention Mr Fixit is coming around shortly. Maybe he won't make a scene in front of him??

3rd idea - be blunt. I said no. I won't do it. You can yell, pout & carry on but it won't change my mind. I said no. Leave room. Hire someone.

If you have a peacemaker streak, overriding him & saying no will be very hard for you. But it is possible with practice.

Unfortunately small vessel ischemic disease or TIAs will effect his thinking. He won't know it, feel it or accept it. So no point discussing it. Common sence goes. Eg unable to reason that a retirement aged woman can not do heavy maintenance.

Plenty on this forum have reported being asked by very elderly parents to get on ladders or the roof, clean gutters etc when they are old enough to need that help themselves! Parents are 90 & think their adult kids are still 35!!

I hope others can offer practical help for your problem here, to help reduce your stress. (We know how bad stress on caregivers is).

You stated you have osteoporosis. And as you know some positions can be dangerous with that condition. So be very careful and use that as an excuse! Getting up on a ladder to clean a friggin' gutter?! Really? Is that worth a fall and broken hip or back? Hardly. Lifting his wheelchair?! You can use that condition as an excuse and say your doctor has forbidden you to do x, y ,z.
I surmise he has always been a control freak and therefore he wants to stay that way. You have probably unknowingly acquiesced to his way or the highway.
It will be hard but time to teach him how to treat you. Use your words…"No, I can no longer do that due to my health". End of sentence and walk off. Yes he will want to argue but go "gray rock" on him (look that up). Vascular ischemia will eventually destroy his ability for executive functions and reasoning will be difficult. Start asserting yourself now.

In a case like this and at your age, YOU MUST CONTROL THE SITUATION AND STAND UP TO HIM. If you want to fix things and are capable, then o.k. but if you can't or don't want to, then tell him off - HIRE THE PERSON and warn the person coming how he is and that they are to deal with you only and ignore him. This is horrible. He wants to control you but it is not right and realistic. Just let him rant and carry on but YOU should have power of attorney now so YOU can make decisions and handle the finances. And he he gets too difficult, then you must place him before he destroys you. Do not let that happen.

Consider what is reasonable for your abilities, energy, and sanity. Let your husband know as kindly as you can, "I really appreciate your confidence in my abilities to 'do it all'. However, I really only have the energy and sanity to deal with... If we need to do other tasks, we will need to hire somebody."

If you hurt yourself to appease your husband, who is going to take care of you and him? You need to draw a red line. Any repair cost will not compare to a hospital injury cost. You need to confront this issue head on before both of you end up in the hospital.

I use to work at the phone company in the “call before you dig,” office.
You need to do this so you don’t hit anything electrical underground.
Everyone thinks it’s fine until they do it.
PS: You’re not his slave, your his wife.