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kimbo56kdm Asked September 2021

Any help? Only child can’t get mom to change anything!

Mom is still controlling and suspicious. Even tho myself and my daughter do everything for her and have for years, she maintains control of social security, bank, even her bedroom! She won’t let me do more than make her bed because she hoards boxes to move back to a town far away where no one could take care of her. I understand what I need to do but don’t know how to actually get this done with very limited finances. Mom only has social security income as do I. Several months ago, when ordering checks, she had her bank only put her name on checks cause this address is not HER address. I’m constantly worried about this and need help with this. Thank you.

Beatty Sep 2021
Some folk are happy for others to help them or do things for them.

Others are fiercely independent. You know your Mom!

Alas, as you can't make her accept help or become more trusting.. I suppose the way forward will be by steel will or stealth.

Mom lives with you I presume?

Are there bills to pay in Mom's name? Or contribution towards joined living expenses?

Hey Mom, if you want to pay all your bills yourself, that's fine. If you want me to drive you to the bank, to get cash for your purchases, no problem.

But if you want me to pay for your things over the phone or by internet, you will have to tell the bank I am authorised to do that. I wouldn't want to get in trouble.

Put a boundary in. No access for you = no help.

Then you let her bills go.

Thoughts?
WhippinPost50 Sep 2021
So good! Thank you. My dad is so rigid, ADHD, dementia, I don’t know how to carve out a space for me to live & find joy in each day. I’m only coping. There are no compromises just orders, demands, I know a 3 hour minimum from a caregiver would be $140. I am waking to ranting & haven’t found me bearings enough to stand up for my incredible value as a 24/7 presence, confidant, & manny. There’s an urgent need to establish my role, boundaries, & compensation. I owe this person nothing, yet duty, & honoring my deceased mum’s has me entrapped in a surreal situation. There currently is no plan for how things may work in the best interest of all. Guardianship being offered to my non-caregiver sibling, it seems insulting. Should I challenge the county’s nomination? I don’t fully understand the role, yet I know my sib doesn’t either.
thoughts?
againx100 Sep 2021
Does your mom have dementia? Does she live alone? What are you thinking that you need to do? Can she still handle her finances appropriately?

Good luck.

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BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
kimbo,

If your family owns a nursing home then your problems are solved. Nursing homes also employ social workers who know how to petition for conservatorships/guardianships in the court. Nursing homes also have a business and legal department that takes care of everything else.
You don't really need any advice from this forum. You have all the resources necessary because there's a family-run nursing home.
againx100 Sep 2021
She might prefer to be able to chat with people here who do not know her or her mom in an anonymous fashion.
BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
Your mother is just making things more complicated for herself because the bank will start sending things like her monthly bank statements to whatever phantom address she gave them. This will give her banking information and account numbers to anyone who is at that address.
The delusional town she believes she's moving back to is dementia. I had a care client years ago who had lived in my city for 43 years. Yet she was always packing because she believed that any day she'd be going back to her childhood home in Mississippi that she left when she was 12. So her family let her pack these bags they kept out for her and she'd pack them. Then the family would put that stuff back and she'd do it again. Over and over.
You are going to have to visit your town's probate court and talk to them about petitioning for conservatorship/guardianship of your mother. This can be done with or without her consent. They will direct you on how to go about this. You might also want to try reaching out to your state's Department of Social Services and your state's Ombudsman office too. They can help you.
kimbo56kdm Sep 2021
Thank you for replying. The information is helpful. And I definitely need all the help I can find! My mom was the administrator of our family’s nursing home. I became an RN, yet here we are. No planning. Nada. No discussions because mom refuses all notions of anything ever being wrong with her….and I mean EVER. Made it all so hard for the rest of us.

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