Nasty mother. Am I alone in hating my mother?

Sorry to hear of your troubles, but I can relate as my Mom is in her mid 80s with many chronic health conditions and she acts the same to me. Most people that Mom meets feel that she is the kindest and sweetest lady; however, since she has had to rely on outside care (the last few months in her apartment) until this year in a SNF, she doesn't cooperate and acts rude to staff unless she wants something, i.e. contraband items, separate laundry service, private room, etc. AND, she usually gets what she wants as she is so demanding and does not let up until she does.

Until a few months ago, Mom lived 2 hours away so my husband and I were doing the long distance thing with many hours of abusive phone conversations and negative visits to help her manage her life. We moved her to an excellent SNF nearby so that we could coordinate with staff and visit her on a regular basis. The manipulative behavior continues here even with the attentive 24/7 care. She calls all the time, complains all the time and limits her socialization and group activities.

Many times our elders will act out due to not taking their meds or med interaction, dehydration, UTIs, or the beginnings of dementia. The question is, "Has the person always been a manipulator and abuser, or has this recently started due to a health condition or dementia?"

IF it's not medically related, then it could be the lies are for attention and to control the caregiver as in my case. My Mom has had a way of doing this my whole life and I realized that I needed to limit my contact with her. Over the last year, due to her health decline, I was feeling guilty since she wanted to live with us and I knew that could never work for a myriad of reasons, so SNF has provided all that she needs and more!

Best that your Mom be evaluated with cognitive testing to determine her diagnosis and to help you determine your course of action. Protecting your health and your life is of utmost importance...not easy when you are being criticized and beaten down. And yes, feelings of hate do surface. Stay strong, you are not alone. Cyber hug.

Taylor, I don’t have any simple answers or solutions, but I feel your stress. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can step back a bit. You are important. Your self care and health are equally as important as your mother’s.

Sweetie, the lady who looks like your mom is a stranger. Her brain is broken. She isn't the mother who raised you. And she never will be again. Her personality might change again and she might become a sweet person again. And maybe not.
Limit your contact with as much as you can. If she says something mean, tell her you'll see her/talk to her later and leave/hang up..

Don't argue with her. She isn't telling lies, she's explaining things the best she can. She has probably forgotten how to work the TV; ergo, it's broken. My husband gets things he's seen on TV mixed up with reality. He went into great detail about how the man was hit by a car in the front yard; only it never happened. But as someone in the group told me, "His reality is now yours". So instead of arguing about things I know aren't true, I've developed a whole set of non commital responses; "hmmm", " that's interesting ", "I'll have to think about that", " I'll check it out tomorrow".
He is currently fixated on the airplanes that fly over our house on occasion. We live in the alternate landing pattern for the airport. He told me very seriously that something big was going to happen because he counted 9 airplanes flying over our house. (It was Delta, Southwest, American, etc). I could argue with him but it won't do any good. So I just tell him thanks for telling me, so we can get prepared tomorrow. It satisfies him because he has protected me from something happening
Sorry i started rambling there. I dont let me husband speak in a ugly manner to his caregiver. He will apologize. It's usually when he's frustrated because he doesn't want to.do something, like shower; or if she tries to keep him from putting buttered bread in the toaster.
So I'm sending you some cyber hugs, because this is a rough journey we are on, and everybody needs lots of hugs.

Agree this sounds like the dementia talking. Doesn't make it anymore pleasant to be around but this may be the stage she is and maybe, hopefully, she will mellow out a bit in time. Hopefully the caregivers are used to this.

Take some deep breaths and try not to let her get under your skin. Your relationship has changed and it will not likely improve, IMHO.

Is she getting enough help at home with caregivers? Or maybe it's time to consider some type of a facility to meet her needs and take pressure off you?

*Absence make the heart grow fonder*.

Your feelings may be a warning sign that you are too close?

How often do you see her now? If 5 days a week, try 2. If one whole day, try a half day?

Is the shopping task a once a week or are you expected to be *on call*? If so, *on call* can certainly grow resentment! Can you set a day & stick to that instead?

Does her local grocery store deliver? Could you phone order & they deliver when her Carer is there to help unpack?

Sorry for so many questions! I went into problem solving mode. Sorry if you only wanted to vent (that's ok).

You can't make her nicer... so basically, keep delegating what is becoming irksome imho 😏

Taylor,

So many things that you describe can be attributed to dementia.

Here is a video that explains what is happening in your Mom’s brain:

https://youtu.be/0BlZF_4EKp4

I’m so sorry that these things are happening to your Mom, and then to you.

It is beyond frustrating, and so sad and difficult.

When my mother speaks to me, it feels like a punch in the stomach. Every. Single. Time.