ExhaustedPiper Asked September 2021

Tips on telling my mother she will need to move?

A little background- my mother has been living next to me in my condo building since 2018. Diagnosed with dementia in early 2019. She has always been difficult, manipulative and selfish and wasn't a good mother. This has been hell and her dementia has progressed. She can still do ADL's and puts up a charade of independence, but her executive functioning continues to get worse. She can not live "independently" in her condo without me being next door. I could go on and I have a pretty extensive post history here, but basically I have been stuck. I had to put up a huge fight for her to accept having a companion aid for 4 hours a week (which she reduced to every 2 weeks) so in her mind assisted living is out of the question.

Awhile back I went to an elder care attorney to find out if I could force my mother with dementia into assisted living with a DPoA.... the answer is NO. I'm in Florida- a "wait for a crisis" state.

My life changed again with the news that my brother has terminal cancer. He will be lucky to get a couple years and that will be with harsh treatment. That is when the thought started that I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted to move to my adult son's state which is driving distance to my brother's state. 3.5 hour drive.

Now I have gotten more news. For the first time I am going to be a grandmother. I am over the moon with this news, and needless to say it really ramped up my desire to move to his state.

I told my mother the news of the baby, but my siblings do not know as my son wanted to wait until after the first doctor appointment which is tomorrow. Her reaction was ..... meh.

My DH and I have decided we are going to move to my son's state, which is Maryland. I plan to talk to my mother this weekend and let her know she will have to move, because we are moving. She can decide where she wants to be but her only options will be assisted living no matter which adult child she decides to live close to- staying here will not be an option. If she tries to play that card I will take her to court and force the sale which I can do as a co-owner.

My mom will not care that I want/need to be closer to my brother and my son. She will be so angry it will be horrible.

But I'm getting out of something I never should have set up to begin with, and this time around I will be MUCH less prone to her manipulation.

Any tips, because the truth is I dread this talk so much, but it has to happen.

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She's not going to be happy about it - but then again, she's rarely happy to begin with, correct?

So - you can stay where you are (not!!) and leave her be and BOTH of you remain unhappy, or

You can tell her she's got to move because you are, and then ONE of you is happy.

I think you've done yeoman's work thus far trying to keep this woman at home, because it's what SHE wanted - even to the incredible sacrifice of your own well-being and happiness. So I don't think you have anything for which to feel guilty or bad about.

So find a place for her that will meet her caregiving needs and go support your brother and enjoy your first grandchild!

Helpful Answer (11)

I love your determination. Most people don't embrace change - especially the elderly - so be prepared to rip off the bandaid. Emphasize that you will ALL be closer to the rest of the family, your son (and grandchild) and her son, who needs support. Giving her a choice on who she prefers to live near is a good idea, so she feels like she has some "power" in the decision process . Make it clear that she will still be living in her "own" space, with support and family nearby. I think you really have it worked out in your mind, so the fallout won't be as bad as you anticipate. This is merely a test of wills - and you sound like you're prepared for battle lol Please keep us posted on how this all unfolds - we are here for you!

Helpful Answer (10)

I have one tip … be strong for yourself.

If anything I’ve learned, most elders do not want to give up their home. Period. Do what you must ….

Helpful Answer (8)

No she will not be happy about this at all. I do need to be strong.

Thank you..

(4)

Piper, just MOVE.

Tell her you're going and do it.

The State of Florida says she is a competent adult.

You've been kind and considerate and gotten nothing but grief in return. Let her lawyer handle the fall out.

Helpful Answer (8)

Trust me Barb we are moving, no doubt. But I can’t exit until after she does, and I will be able to do it soon because I can force the sale of her (our) condo if she protests. I feel like I owe it to her to help with this transition because at the end of the day I moved her here, which was a huge mistake on my part. I know I was manipulated and lied to in the process but it’s my own fault for not being more careful and checking everything out for myself first especially knowing her history.

I remember back years ago when I first realized I made a massive mistake I thought about moving but it always seemed like an outlandish idea. Now it’s very real and going to happen.

(6)

Just tell her she is moving. Do not explain or defend yourself to her.
Leave the room. Time to reclaim your life.

Helpful Answer (7)

I think I would take her to HER lawyers office to have this conversation.

Let him/her handle the logistics of where your mother is going to live--on her dime of course. The lawyer is going to have to be involved in the property transfer, yes? Just get him/her involved from the get go.

Helpful Answer (7)

IDK--if you cannot enact your POA, you can't force her to do anything.

You do what you need to do and give mom over to sis.

My mom is that same way. Never 'happy' about anything, really, unless it's about her.

Congrats on becoming a grandma! I have 14 grands and they are my joy!!

Helpful Answer (6)

EP, my point is that you need to have

1. Someone on your side in the room.

2. Someone with some "authoritative" stance who can stand up to your mom and tell her "no".

3. Someone who can advise you on what to do if mom goes ballistic and DOES take this to court.

I would be in favor of going back to the eldercare attorney you saw who said you can't force her into care, even with your POA.

I would want to explore the ramifications of resigning your POA. And how to prevent your mom from moving next door to your new home.

Helpful Answer (6)

This is my suggestion. After you tell her that you are going to sell the condo and move to X, refuse to argue with her. Just calmly keep repeating some phrase like, "We've decided this is what we are going to do". Say it over and over while she argues with you.

Helpful Answer (6)

I think our mothers may be made from the same mold. She wanted 4 boys and to quote her”ended up with 3 girls!” Was manipulative and if one did not agree with her she just wrote them off as if they were never part of her life- including one of my sisters and me for a while. To make a long story short she was barely able to care for herself , couldn’t remember how to cook, and fell. From the hospital she went to rehab and was placed in memory care with the consent of her doctor. 8 months later she still asks when she’s going home every time we talk to her. She is doing much better physically but gets angry that we won’t take her home. We have always said the doctor is in charge and we have to listen to him. Using the doc as the scapegoat semi- works for us as she has always put them on a pedestal.

she is safe and being cared for and that’s the most important thing for me. I do not let what she says to me about going home affect me as she is in the later stages of dementia. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, be strong, tell her what you are going to do , and do it!!! You will find so much love and joy in that grand baby that it will make things a little easier for you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💜

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Tips on telling my mother she will need to move?

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