My brother is older and lives with my mom. He does not have a job so he is available to take her to appointments and be home with her more than anyone else. He also loves to cook so we thought he'd enjoy making her nutritious meals. However, when it comes to bills and adulting.. he is not doing what is needed. He is driving her car and using her debit card. He is isolating her from the outside world and throwing a huge pity party over how much this is taking a toll on him. I know my mom would not want him to have a say in her care because they had a strained relationship previous to her stroke. He is really good at convincing others everything is fine but the more people that are physically present in our little family, they are seeing how bad reality is. I don't know how to protect my mom without him taking it out on her or something.
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I’ve been in his shoes and it is no picnic. IF you see something that could truly harm Mom, step in. And get some assistance for you both!
Sangeeta- it’s a sad reality that the way some people feel better about themselves is to step on or put down others for what they do. Then there’s other people who feel better about themselves by doing good
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Caregiving is a thankless job and it is taking advantage of him not to be paid. He has no quality of life, no time to relax, causing his own stress levels to rise... and now siblings are and accusing and complaining. With the added stress of siblings complaints... all i can say if you think you can do it better then hupto.... I've been in your brothers position. Nothing is ever good enough for the siblings that refuse to step in with her daily care. Banking etc is easy.... it only takes a few moments in time. speaking of depression, your brother has it! I don't know the man, but i know the job and stress that comes with it.
The freebie of your mom's care needs to stop, and you all need to step in or hire HIM some help.
How is it your brother - with whom you say your mother has a "strained relationship" - become her primary caregiver? Was this because he still lived with her; because he had no employment; other reasons; some combination thereof?
How much care does your mom need? If she needs 24/7 care, I'm not really sure how you expect your brother to get a job WHILE he remains her primary caregiver... is there a care agreement set up between him and mom? Is he being compensated for her care beyond room and board?
If the rest of the siblings feel this is a dangerous situation for mom, then you're going to have to make some tough choices if mom can't live alone anymore - either hire full time care, have her placed in an appropriate facility, or one (or more) of you other family members are going to have to step in to take over her care.
But, it could be your brother is suffering from caregiver burn out, because maybe mom's care needs are just beyond what he is able and willing to do. Has he expressed any need for help or support from you and your other family members?
I have a friend who did caregiving for her mom for a while and her two siblings who didn’t assist with that provided their part w a stipend to her every month for her gas and car needs, ( as a caregiver much of the time you use your car it’s for the seniors needs) just wondering since you didn’t mention anything on your end sounds like perhaps there isn’t anything or you would have mentioned it, what if anything do you contribute/ chip in? It sounds like he’s full time which many siblings choose and want to compensate their sibling for — ( if he left you’d be looking at least 2,000 on the low end a week for live in 24/7 care)
Your brother needs supplemental care to come in to give him a break at certain hours of the day or at least a couple of days per week so that he can have some resemblance of a life.
I must say I bristled when I read you thought he would enjoy cooking for her and that he throws a huge pity party over how it is taking a toll on him. I am guessing his pity parties do not result in anyone stepping in to help so he can have a break?
As the sibling who is supposed to be enjoying this, I can tell you it is not easy or enjoyable and it does take a toll. If he has no job and is unable to get a job since he has a 25 hour a day unpaid job, then why is there an issue in him using the car? where does he get money from? Is there a reason it is entirely his responsibility to give the care? and for free??
The best way to help your mum is to step in and help her and help your brother too.
You could also just pay him for his time. A PSW here makes about $20 (more for overnight but for argument's sake we'll just add up the daytime ) so $320 a day x 7. .. $2240 a week (oh and side note : PSW's are horrendously underpaid for what they do)
Paying a caregiver hourly can also be very expensive.
if this relationship is stressful for your mom, why did someone arrange for him to move in? If he is financially irresponsible, why was he given access to the debit card?
These problems are easier to avoid than resolve.
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