Is it natural to feel as though I’m being used in this caregiver position? She is my mother-in-law and never really thought much of me but now I’ve changed my whole lifestyle to accommodate her moving in with us and it feels like nothing suits her. I’m a horrible person for even thinking about the way I’ve been treated in the past instead of focusing on her needs now.
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It's really not fair that your husband now expects you to keep his mother entertained and cared for while he is at work, especially knowing that his mother never really thought much of you.
Perhaps it's time to tell him that he needs to hire some outside help to come in(with moms money of course)to assist you and give you some much needed breaks, so you can go and do whatever you want, as you are not his mothers keeper.
Or better yet, tell him that you will go to work and he can stay home and take care of his mother. I would venture to guess that he would either have hired help in ASAP, or would even consider having her placed in the appropriate facility.
Use your voice to share your concerns with your husband sooner than later, or you will start to harbor ill feelings towards him as well.
Speak to your husband about moving his mother out of your home and into senior living of some kind so you can go back to your previous lifestyle.
Good luck!
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Some write just to vent, others want practical steps towards change. Sometimes a new point of view can be illuminating.
When I asked my own questions I remember just staring at the replies & feelings less alone, amazed strangers would reply. I read the common sense replies & suddenly 'saw' how I needed to stand up for myself. Since then I have read so many stories of people stepping in to care from obligation/sense of duty & then working it out as they went.
It's can becomes a complicated tale - especially when a 2nd Queen joins the Castle! That clash of respect - is the householder still in charge? Or now the elder? And the mere Man must sometimes choose who to bow to first, Wife or Mother...
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It is great that you are here you will find the support you need. Also search to see if there are in person support grounded s for caregivers near you.
😊 Sorry, I would not get up early to get her breakfast. Me, I am up late so I get up about 9am. I did get up earlier when Mom did, she got up about 8. And lunch, if you need to go out, then leave her something. You deserve to have a life. You do not need to entertain her. If your invited to go out to lunch then go. Visit with a friend, go. As long as she doesn't have Dementia you can keep as normal a life as you need to. Just make sure she has everything she needs. Get her to the potty before you leave.
You need to set Boundries for you. What you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe she would enjoy a Adult daycare or a Senior Center. That would give you some time to yourself.
You're now in the stage of the counter reaction, realizing how demanding (and more) that it can be. This is the time to assess your lifestyle changes, identify modifications that don't compromise your own lifestyle or goals, and then move forward.
Easier said than done? Right! Absolutely! Spend some time identifying all the areas of change, how they can be modified, and importantly, how your husband can pitch in and help. After all, he should definitely be involved as well. If he's not, that puts the whole situation in a different perspective, and you'll have to establish some rules for him as he absolutely should be involved as well. And this could cause friction if he sees you in the Cinderella role.
You might want to consider that, how he specifically can help. And dismiss the concept that you're a horrible person; that's a big step down the path to loss of self confidence and self esteem.
Good luck, and don't let this new arrangement compromise your self image.
Evaluate with your spouse -and any other family that lives with you - about what parts of family lifestyle need to be "recaptured" and which are OK to let go.
Also, make sure that every person in the home is having his/her needs met - not just MIL.
Lastly, make sure that you - and rest of family - come up with ways to handle your MIL's problem behavior. I like the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries" to guide the boundary-setting plans.
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