Mother in Law’s situation, any advice?

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J

JustWaiting Asked September 2021

Mother in Law’s situation, any advice?

I’ve been reading this forum for quite a while. I’ve not yet come across a solution to my issues with my MIL
I do not like her, at all. Not even a little bit. She is a sneaky, nasty woman who has the most disgusting hygiene habits; even when she was younger, I very rarely went over to her home. It was dirty. Would NEVER eat a meal there as she’d let her cats on the countertop AS she was cooking. She was like that her entire life. We had a tumultuous relationship and haven’t spoken to each other for 6 years b/c of a stupid argument….& I was OK with that arrangement. Told my husband 3 years ago when we brought her to live with us, cause she couldn’t live alone…...I am in this for the money. (I know, I’m a terrible person). She was diagnosed w/dementia. Over the past 3 years it has gotten worse with the conversation loops, forgetting who I was, needs a walker to get around, but cannot do any meal prep, shopping, driving, etc.
I do most of the work: setting up daycare & transportation to daycare, which gives me sanity, got her onto Medicaid, do her meds (over 20 pills per day). All her meals & snacks. Got approval for a lousy 7 hrs per week w/an aide. I clean her room as she is incontenint. I am doing the duties and take care of her, but it’s not out of any type of love for her. As I said, I’m doing this for the money. She’s been here for over 3 years. Since then, my husband and I have retired We both get a SS check along with my MIL’s SS check. The thing is: we don’t NEED her money any more.
We had to buy a larger home BECAUSE of her. This larger home’s mortgage was able to be paid with her & hubby’s SS check and my full time job. Now I’m retired & get a SS check also. We can’t put her into any type of ALF or MC because they would want to go thru our finances. Even though we BOUGHT the larger home BECAUSE she had to live with us, that fact wouldn’t matter and they want us to self pay.

Side note: my MIL gets a lousy $900/month, so it’s not a lot of money

My husband helps me with her throughout the day, everything except bathing/toileting.
His relationship with her is: precarious. He loves her simply b/c she’s his mom, not because she is a good person. He 100% supports me and wants her out also.

I knew going into this my eyes were wide open. What I wasn’t prepared for was us not needing her $ any longer.
i’m really not a horrible woman. I have done everything I could for her, just not with love: I looked at it as if it was at a job. Well I now want to retire from this job!
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been reading this forum and never came across anyone that was going thru what I am now.
I’m prepared for the negative responses to my post; hopefully I’ll get some good advice on what to do next.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Relationships

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score 1 · Answer 1

I think it depends on how much money you got from MIL. Was it always just the $900 a month? Or did she contribute a large down payment from her savings to finance the house? Is the house in her name? If she just contributed $900 a month to the household, and she didn't finance the house from her savings, the money she's paid should be considered room /board and getting approved for LTC Medicaid shouldn't be a problem. She also needs to be approved Medically for nursing home care though. AL or MC is generally self pay anyway and big bucks, so those are not where you are going to be looking anyway. What you need to do is get her qualified for LTC nursing home care. Her neurologist will help with getting that medical approval. Yes, the state will look at 5 years of financials, and if she only contributed her $900 a month, it shouldn't be a problem, but if she contributed a large sum at once, like tens of thousands of dollars or more, then yes, the state will penalize so many months of care based on the amount of money that was gifted. So at that point you would have to pay the nursing home up front the penalty amount before Medicaid kicked in. The nursing home likely will not admit her otherwise. Of course its possible you don't have that kind of money. If that's the case and you really still can't care for her anymore and you can't get her placed in a NH, than really your only out is the "ER dump" or relinquishing her to the State through APS. It is still not an ideal option and may not be without consequences as the state or the facility in which she is placed may pursue civil/legal options to recover the costs that Medicaid doesn't pay because of the penalty.

Helpful Answer (1)

She did put $40k towards the down payment when we sold her home. We also emptied out both our 401k’s to be able to handle the Mortgage. I replied to other people that responded to my text: I researched that we could put on the deed as a joint/survivorship, meaning, all 3 on the deed. When one dies, it automatically goes to the 2 survivors ( no red tape) so any facility we find cannot take or put a lien on the house. So it’s easy to explain where her check went each month: room /board. What will come up though would be the $40k that was used for the down payment. I really do need to put her name on the deed. Thank you for your response. I’ve gotten 5 replies so far and no one called me “a terrible person”. That really made me feel good, I honestly thought everyone would call me a gold digger.. LOL

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score 2 · Answer 2

If you are doing this for the money at $900 a month you are really getting hosed. That much money to deal with the daily incontinence alone isn't worth it.

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Definately!! I’ve got a newfound respect for nurses!

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score 1 · Answer 3

You might want to invest in a consult with a Medicaid Planner on her behalf. Medicaid rules differ by state so take the advice from this forum with that in mind. No one can ever know how this journey with their LO (or not LO) will ever go -- it's not possible for anyone. "The best laid plans of mice and men..." etc.

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As for right now, she’s not on the deed. I researched that we could put her on the deed as a joint/survivorship, meaning, all 3 on the deed. When one dies, it automatically goes to the 2 survivors ( no red tape) so any facility we find cannot take or put a lien on the house.

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score 0 · Answer 4

She would not be penalized for paying her share of costs.

900.00 monthly for room and board, transportation to appointments is not the least bit unreasonable.

Medicaid has no right to look at anyone's finances but MILs. Yours doesn't count.

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I wonder...if there is nothing in writing saying she will pay blank amount towards share of costs, not sure if OP can use her SS to pay on their mortgage. They profit from the sale. Unless, she is on the deed.

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score 2 · Answer 5

I just lost everything I wrote. So will start over.

First, we all need a course in Medicaid rules before we take a parent in. Just a few questions.

Was Moms SS going to a separate account? Was her SS used for her needs and then u took a certain amount out for the mortgage payment? Did you have anything in writing that she would contribute to the home this way?

My Moms bank statement showed everything. Checks were written for all her bills and taxes. If I needed to pay out if pocket, I kept the receipts and monthly would write myself a check. The receipts would be put in an envelope, the ck# and month put on the outside. Medicaid saw the money coming in and going out. I pay I fee for copies of checks be included so Medicaid saw what each check was made out for.

So, if you didn't co-mingle your money thats good. If u did, that may be a problem.

If no agreement that Mom pays towards the mortgage, this may cause a penalty with Medicaid. Lets say u have used $500 a month towards the mortgage. Thats 6k a year, 18k over 3 yrs. You can either pay the penalty period and get her into a NH or care for her till the penalty is met then get her in a NH. (Not really sure how this really works)

You may need an elder lawyer versed in Medicaid to help you. You maybe able to use her money for this.

Helpful Answer (2)

You are right. I need to see a lawyer. Thank you for your response especially since you re-did it, that’s really appreciated. We sold her home & there was $40k profit. That $ + ALL our 401k was used as a down payment on the home. No, she is not on the deed. I researched that we could put on the deed as a joint/survivorship, meaning, all 3 on the deed. When one dies, it automatically goes to the 2 survivors ( no red tape) so any facility we find cannot take or put a lien on the house.

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Mother in Law’s situation, any advice?

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