Am I abandoning my mom?

No one is required to sacrifice their life for another. Your mom's friend was completely out of line, so ignore her.

Mom will be safe and cared for, and you will be freed up to be a daughter again.

Her friend can visit, talk on the phone with her, and even take her to lunch if she likes -- Mom's not going to prison for crying out loud.

Change is hard for everyone, especially older people, but circumstances change and lead to the need for updates in living circumstances. You've done the right thing, and of course you haven't abandoned her.

I almost want to suggest *you* move to the assisted living so you can get a break and a bit of a vacation! Just kidding there, but it really does sound like it’s overwhelming you from all sides. Your other post said your mother doesn’t even talk to you, so this can’t be the joyful living situation for her the siblings and neighbor are trying to make it appear to be.

Try very hard to emotionally detach yourself from all of it and them for a while. Accept within yourself that you have made a correct decision and stop defending it. Don’t argue with anyone. Whatever they say - like the neighbor - don’t respond at all, just turn away silently. Go to your room. Fix yourself a beverage and sip on it while they talk and you play a movie or song in your head that you like. Let them natter on without engaging you. Don’t listen. As you know, and I do too, stress can and will make a chromic illness worse. Try to let the stress be theirs and not yours.

Only one thing… push the timeline. Don’t let anyone stall or delay the move. Proceed as if it is a done deal not subject to debate any longer.

No your are not abandoning Mom. That burnt pan on the stove means she needs 24/7 care. Believe me, a load will be taken off your shoulders. No more worrying about what will she do next. You can visit when you want. Have time to yourself. And like said, she may end up enjoying it. The AL was so much better for my Mom. She had so much more freedom. My house is a 4 level split and I needed to keep her in the bottom level room because of all the stairs. The AL was one floor and she could walk the halls and end up in the Common area.

You may want to have a sit down with the friend. She needs to realize what you are doing is for the safety of your Mom. That with her Dementia she now needs more care than you can give with your chronic health problems. The burning of the corn could have been so much worse. You as a person can't be expected to be kept in a house 24/7 because you need to watch Mom every minute. Show her pictures of the place. You may want to tell her that its been recommended no visitation for a few days so Mom can adjust. And you will be glad to take her to visit after those few days. But this "is" permanent and you would appreciate her not playing into any negativity Mom may have. Make her visits a positive thing for Mom. I wouldn't say this to her now, but if the friend does cause Drama with Mom. You can ask that she not visit and have her banned from the AL. But this is something I wouldn't discuss with the friend unless it happens.

I would not tell the friend when the move will be made. I may not tell Mom till the day of maybe right before. My Mom was in her last stages of Dementia so we told her when we got there. "Mom, you are moving to your new apartment. You will make new friends"

This will not be easy. I had to harden myself so I didn't get upset. But its for the best. And ALs are really nice.

When someone leaves a pan on the stove and forgets it, that is more than a decline.

Agree with MJ.

If you run yourself into the ground, what will happen to your mom then? If other people so critical with their almighty opinions don’t man up and do something themselves, you have no choice but to do what’s best for you AND your mom. Your mom cannot realize that this IS the best thing for her. She’s going to be looked after and you are going to get your life back.

I get the guilt - trust me, I do. But there is a certain freedom you gain when you realize that you’re making the best choice under difficult circumstances. Nothing is ever perfect. You are trying to keep your mother safe. These are good, valid concerns. Forgive yourself.

My mom didn’t want a AL because she thought she could take care of herself. She saw it and it was not what she expected….much better. When she moved in, she loved it. It was private and now I am her daughter and advocate. The caregiving is taken care of by a village. She calls it her condo. I take her out for dental and eye appointments but everything else is done by the AL. She loves the food. As she has declined, she is content because she knows her way around and recognizes staff. It has been a win/win. I got a echo show so I can drop in and see her and she can see me. This has been good for her and me and the family. I created an email address for her and linked her calendar to the echo show so she can get reminders of meals and events. (TIP: if you tell Alexa to speak slower, she will! And you can also have her repeat reminders 3 times). Mom has been in AL for 12 months and it took her about 6 weeks to call it her condo. Since she is not an extrovert, I asked her to show me around. What she did was look around her self and then when I got there, she took me on the tour. :) Her friend can visit her and drop in with echo. Your mom is a fortunate woman to have so much love and care but you are not useful to her if you wear out. I talk to mom every day and as she has declined, I am grateful that she is taken care of every moment. I also bring up items of her past to “remember”. Mom laughs and enjoys pretty accurately her past stories. It has been a good thing not to be her caregiver, we didn’t laugh and talk as much.

You say they you've begged family members for help in the past. Are these family members your siblings? If they are then mom's care and the decision to place her is not solely yours to make.
Yes, you are doing the right thing if you cannot take care of her in your home anymore. It's not selfish to want your mom to be in a safe environment.
You went for a walk. She almost burned your house down. You can't provide the 24 hour supervision she needs to stay safe. Putting her in AL is the best decision.
She will probably like the place once she's acclimated to it. AL is not like a nursing home. Many of them take their residents a few times a week on outings and they have in-house activities going on too. It will be good for her.

I feel your pain…as a retired clinical nursing home staff member of 27 years I also struggled with the guilt and fear of placing mom. I finally was forced to put my mom {87 yrs old} in a safe place! First a memory care when the covid isolation pushed her into a Lewy Body extended confusion then after 11months she was ready for a secure assisted living apartment..{yup she calls it her apartment, her home}....a few friends even my age {70} had their opinions yet not one of them came over and did the hard work, bought the needed supplies, or cleaned up the urine. I did some counseling online and learned my job is to keep my mom safe not too satisfy onlookers!! Mom needs to make a life for herself as best she can. 6 months later my mom loves it in her assisted living facility 5 minutes from my apartment. She loves the company of others her age, the freedom to go outside in a beautiful safe fenced in area and the beautiful meals. I schedule us a play date 3x a week.. we do rides, hot fudge Sundae days and our favorite church. I am happier and she is content..Do the right thing and ignore others..Good Luck!!

It’s a tough decision. My brother and I were where you are a few months ago. It won’t be easy. Remember this, you are already suffering physically and emotionally caring for her full time and she will only decline from here, requiring even more care. Without a support system you can depend on, there’s no other way. If she stays with you and something we’re to happen to you, where would she be? I don’t see that you have a choice. Everyone has an opinion but those people aren’t caring for your mother full time. You are. Her friend can visit her in her new place. It’ll take time and you will struggle with guilt but you’re doing this for her protection as well as your health and sanity. You can be a more rested, healthy daughter and give her lots of attention while she’s getting the care she needs by professionals. Sending big hugs. You’re a good daughter! ❤️

Don't question your decision. You are taking care of your mom. Placing her in AL is what you need to do for yourself.

Moving your mom into AL is the best thing for both of you. Those who are not actively involved in her caregiving cannot completely understand what it takes and so their advice is based mostly on emotion rather than reality and so doesn’t count. Another poster raised a good question… what if something happens to you? Will your siblings take her in? Will this friend? As others have advised, do not delay. If you found a place move her as soon as you can. She may be upset for awhile but most people adjust. My dad actually improved after he moved to AL because he got his medication consistently, ate better, and had more social interaction. Praying for you!