dseag2 Asked September 2021

Is it wrong to feel numb?

I am a male only child who has cared for my mother since my father passed away in 2000. I was only 43 at the time. She was clinically depressed and agoraphobic when he died. She couldn't drive due to seizures, so I was her only connection to the outside world. I eventually got her to get out and enjoy being with people. She had TIA's and epileptic seizures for years, and I rushed home every time to make sure she was okay.

We moved her from her home into independent living in 2006. She lived there until November 2017 and she loved it. When she was no longer able to take care of herself we moved her to assisted living. She has always relied on other people for her well-being. She has called frequently to say she pushed the button on her pendant for service and no one has responded.

My mother has been in hospice for over a year but has now begun the end-of-life transition. I visited her today and she wasn't aware that I was there. She is 89 and has been quite comfortable up until this time.

I feel exhausted after looking out for her for almost 21 years. I think I've been a good son because she has always been well taken care of. I have no guilt. I called my female cousin today, who is very close to my mother, to tell her the end it near. She was bawling but I couldn't seem to muster a tear. Is it wrong that I feel numb now that she is at the end of her life?

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I'm male the only remaining son and my mother is 88. I'm numb and exhausted daily. My dad dies of a hear attack over 20 years ago and I've been caretaker default second husband to my mother since 2011. It's not wrong to be numb or not feel anything because you aren't bawling with sadness. It's also not wrong to not feel guilt. I was in my 30's when my dad died and I never expected my mom to live as long as she has without him.

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Whatever you feel, or don't, is okay. You are worn out. You will adjust as the situation changes. There's no need to criticize or question yourself. As time goes by you may have a variety of feelings...grief, relief, pride, acceptance, discomfort, fear....many feelings will change as your circumstances change. You have done well. You will be okay.

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Dseag2
First I want to give you a hug. You have fought the good fight. You have been a great ally for your mom and in spite of your numbness, you are going to miss your mom.
I too was numb when my mom died. I did not even want to help with her services or attend her funeral but my family insisted and I was too tired to resist. The exhaustion will be with you for awhile. How long I can’t say. My mom has been gone for six years and I’m still tired but I have my DH aunt still. My wish is that you give yourself all the time you need. The tears will come when you least expect them if you are like me or perhaps not at all. It’s okay either way. There is no rush. We each grieve in our own way. No right or wrong.
I am very sorry for your loss.

Helpful Answer (6)

I am so sorry for your loss and sympathetic for your exhaustion. There are no "wrong" feelings in this. The numbness you feel is emotional self protection that will likely dissipate in time as you process the loss of your mother. Grief is unique to each person. Farther along you may feel tearful; maybe not. Either way, what you feel or don't feel is the "right" way for you.

Love is an active verb. You loved your mother by caring for her. Tears don't "prove" your dedication or make your love for her more valid. Allow your grief to unfold in its own way.

Helpful Answer (6)

I think we kind of "turn off" because if we didn't we'd be crying all the time. There are things that need to be done and we just can't allow those emotions. I didn't cry when Mom died at 89 because I felt she was no longer suffering from Dementia. She had a good life and was loved.

My Mom opened her arms to our friends. And some didn't have it so easy at home. She treated them just like her own. So when one of these friends mention how good she was and that her home was a safe place to fall, I cry.

So, don't worry about the numbness. Its a safety mechanism. When the tears come you will be alone and will have a hard time shutting them off.

Helpful Answer (5)

I totally get it. My husband died last week after a 2.5 year battle with cancer and also had a stroke two months ago. I was his sole caregiver and still working full time for most of that time. I shed many tears along the way for what we lost but hardly shed a tear during the funeral. Many of my friends (who don’t know the entire background) kept asking me if I was OK…perhaps thinking it was a charade. But I agree with the other posters; it’s a defense mechanism and I have felt times of sadness as the days have gone by but overall I’m so relieved that my husband is no longer suffering and now with Jesus.

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You’ve been down a very long and hard road, it’s perfectly normal to feel numb. Your mother has been blessed to have you and I wish you both peace

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I was with my dad for the last couple years of his life and journey thru cancer, AZ and a host of other ailments. We lost him this past January. He was ready and I encouraged him that the next time he was in the company of angels, he should go! I loved this man more than anyone & was glad he was out of a mind and body that no longer served him well. I was right there when he passed. He knew it somehow, too. I thought it odd that when he passed I was happy for him (I believe we return to full light) but I was also just completely numb. Looking back we hold it together and do what we must and I think our body sort of protects us. I’m still glad he’s in a better place, but I also have been able to grieve his loss in my time. Tears I now shed are both happy and sad at times. IDK, I guess we process & grieve in our own way? Being numb does not equal not caring- not by a long shot! God bless you for being there through thru her journey! It’s tough, but one of the most important things you can do in your lifetime. Stay strong!

Helpful Answer (4)

dseag2, As you can see here, you have a lot of support. You have done a great job. My mom is 88, almost 89, and I have no idea how much longer she will live with this cruel dementia. I know deep inside I have already done some mourning over the loss of the active, capable woman she used to be, but thinks she still is. I think it is common for the caretaker to just get numb and long for some sense of normalcy. When she does go, just let yourself feel anything that comes to the surface, then go do some things you haven't been able to do for years. It will probably feel really odd at first that you are enjoying yourself with the freedom of not being tied down. Do not feel guilty for anything, now or later.

Helpful Answer (4)

No - I understand perfectly. I am guessing you did your share of grieving during the past years while you were tending to her. You knew what was coming and you are burned out. You are normal and should not feel guilty. Look at it as a blessing - peace at last.

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Is it wrong to feel numb?

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