After she stopped taking her BP, diabetes, and depression meds (I was totally unaware of) she had a stroke that left her struggling to use a walker wearing incontinence items 24/7.
After inpatent therapy I've been taking her to weekly outpatient PT and everywhere else for 2 years. Now its been 2.5 years of providing her care while daily fighting to force her into any sort of 'prescribed' home PT exercises. I find myself literally dragging her by the arm throughout her home PT daily. Now she's refusing all PT and sits all day thumbing through FB on her phone. When she stops her PT her ability drastically deteriorates which goes unnoticed, except for me.
After working for retirement since 12 years old, I retired early from a job I loved to provide care for her.
I've taken care of myself physically and financially, am very healthy and active and every time I think of this being all there is left in life- severe guilt, anger and depression sets in and now starting to affect me physically.
I seem to find no one who's able or interested in providing any source of direction on my options. I feel I couldn't live with myself if I left her, so this feeling of entrapment sets in.
Do I have any options for her other than rotting away in a NH or LTC facility? I doubt she's capable of living alone, anywhere.
I do have a upcoming physical with my doc, which I've discussed with but always got the usual you're doing fine..
Suggestions?
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I’m sure you’re wife is suffering, too, and has been for a long time. Have you had a frank conversation about what she wants? Have you told her how you feel? I’ve been a patient too, and I found I was so focused on my pain and discomfort, I was a misery to be around. I knew it at the time, but I couldn’t see any way out of my funk. It got better as I healed, but if she’s not healing, I can understand where she’s coming from. Has she any idea how unhappy you are? It’s wrong to not include her in your feelings, as it doesn’t spare her anything. It robs you of a chance to be intimate together, and creates an environment that is secretive.
I highly recommend you both to go to couples therapy. Your relationship needs a revamp, and you both need to focus less on singular problems, and more on sharing your feelings.
Best of luck.
You should seek therapy for your unjustified guilt.
Leave. Go live your life the way you want. Your ‘wife’ already chose hers.
Edit to add: her spending time on FB is her sole activity and entertainment and it’s keeping her sane. Taking her phone away or blocking FB will not make her do anymore PT than she does now, but it might make her act out in other negative ways.
She knows you will take care of everything so she doesn’t need to do anything for herself. Your leaving may force her to change. Or not.
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It does seem though that she doesn't want to exercise, and that's a major issue. I don't often agree that out of home placement is a good choice, but I do in this situation. You might want to speculate how life and care for her would play out if your own health is severely affected over the lomg term. I'm not trying to scare you, just offering a rationale for finding some solution other than the current situation. And it does seem as though it's severely compromising your own life.
Another alternative, more drastic, is to explore applying for guardianship and then placing her in a facility. That would probably turn her against you, but I'm not getting the impression she's working with you now, so at least you would find some relief for yourself.
It appears she has made her decision on how to "live" her life; maybe it is time to let her be and focus on you
If you are not prepared to find a facility that can meet her needs then you should find some in home aides to get time for yourself.
Have the doctors explained that strokes often cause dementia and this is no longer the person you married? Her brain is broken.
Have you asked her why she isn't trying to gain some quality of life by putting forth effort?
Sorry, I don't have any sympathy for people that "try" to kill themselves. It is usually a manipulation tactic and I feel like they are selfish pigs and get to suffer the consequences of this crap. So, rotting in a nursing home is what she did to herself.
As it stands now, her selfish actions have imprisoned you and that is completely unacceptable. She doesn't deserve any guilt, she did this.
Either get busy trying or go rot is my opinion.
I can imagine you're angry, tired and feel used up. You can't MAKE somebody do the right things. As you well know!
IF your wife refuses to take part in her own care, and this has been proved over and over--I certainly wouldn't hold it against you if you were to find a nice IL place for her and begin a 'new life'.
(Been through similar stuff with DH for the last 15 years, off and on. I have zero patience for him now when he chooses to be a slug. We're getting ready to retire and downsize and I am seriously looking at a duplex--he can live in one side and take care of himself, I'll live in the other and have my life.)
Is your wife still suicidal? If so, the next time she attempts something or even verbalizes it, you haul her to the ER and see if you can have her Baker-Acted. That will get her in the system and maybe even some help for you, going forward.
To control someone with the constant threat of suicide is mean and thoughtless. My mom did it all my life. It deeply affected 2 of the 6 of us. And she NEVER attempted it, she just threatened. I lived in a state of low level fear all the time, as she'd blame us kids for everything.
Good Luck, no one should have to live with constant anxiety that we'll be blamed for someone committing suicide. Yes, your wife is sick, but unless she WANTS to be better, she won't be.