Devastating letter found involving pedophile and betrayal. How can I let go of the feelings I have now?

seek counseling immediately

please try to get some counseling i was molested myself from 8-14 by stepfather and when i told mother still stayed with him and i was forced to leave when he would b home on weekends from job ..I am now 48 been thru counseling on and off and haven’t dealt with that or the fact mom stayed and now mom has dementia early stage and i am basically the only one who will go help her - she still lives in her own apartment for seniors - and due to this not being dealt with it causes so much so please when you get help stick with it

Please please look into some form of psychotherapy with an experienced therapist. Most people need years to work through the trauma of physical assault and the betrayal you have endured and continue to endure. There are groups offered privately and in hospitals. There are therapy clinics devoted to this unfortunately common horror. Yes, you need to scream, to cry, to yell, to re-experience all the feelings you had as a child as well as those you have now. You can’t just “let go”, nor should you. Childhood sexual abuse leaves an imprint on your body and brain and it will take time to heal. Healing means the wound stops actively bleeding and becomes a scar. It never disappears because it remains part of who you are. Since this letter was just recently received, may I suggest you begin reading a few books on childhood sexual abuse. EG The Courage to Heal and Breaking free: help for survivors of child sexual abuse. .Ainscough, Carolyn and Toon, Kay? Please get help. As a therapist for 30 years, I know what I am saying. I have worked with both men and women survivors and none of them had a quick fix.

I never dealt with my issue. The only thing about it that makes me uncomfortable is that I am this person I am today because of it. I wonder about who I might have been instead. I too have always been racked with anxiety, and fear, and anger, waking up in the middle of night screaming, suffocating, not being able to breathe.
I never really put in the effort or time to look at the long term affects of abuse on a person, symptoms of it? I know this person I am is because of what happened. I am extremely shy (thought this was normal) but now realize it must be a form of social anxiety, I am fearful. I have always hidden myself, to this day I do not want to be seen. Very uncomfortable around men, and have a difficult time looking at them in the eyes when speaking to them. I am uncomfortable with showing affection, or receiving it because it feels too sexual. I do have bouts of depression, which thankfully I do my best to not allow myself to get too deep.

If I was you I would take that letter and burn it, and forget about it. There is no point to it or to knowing what was in it. No point.

I never went through any therapy. I just pushed it down deep and forgot about it.
For me it's not worth it to bring it all up to the surface. It would mean having to be very uncomfortable lol. I am pretty happy, not always but who is :) But yah I have issues. I do however, at times, not often, wonder, about it all, but not enough to do anything about it. I live with the hand I was dealt and I move forward.

I hope you can move forward. Don't stand still in it, it's like quicksand, keep moving.

Oh, Billiegoat, I am so sorry. I cannot fathom how you’re feeling.

I strongly enough recommend you call RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), at 1-800.656.4673, as soon as you can.

Their website is www.rainn.org. They even have a Live Chat at the top of the homepage. There, you can speak with someone trained to help.

For adults survivors, see their page at: https://www.rainn.org/articles/adult-survivors-child-sexual-abuse

Sadly, you’re not alone in this happening to you. May you get the help and support you need and the peace you so richly deserve.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father for 11 years, I can tell you that the only person you are hurting by hanging on to any bad feelings towards any of these people, is yourself. And the fact that they are now dead reiterates that. It's kind of like you drinking poison and hoping that they die(metaphorically speaking as I know they're both already dead.)
It might help you to be able to share your feelings with a therapist or a support group for survivors of sexual abuse. I found a support group to be very helpful for me, as it helped me come to the realization that in order for me to move forward in my healing that I was going to have to forgive both my father and my mother, who knew about the abuse and chose to do nothing about it.
Now I can tell you that my forgiving them didn't happen over night, but eventually I was able to forgive them both, and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I did however choose to keep them both out of my life, as it was just healthier for me to do so. They are both dead now, and I have no regrets when it comes to my parents, as I was able to make peace with what happened to me, by forgiving them.
Since both parties are now dead, it may also be helpful for you to write out 2 separate letters(1 to each of them)and get out all your anger, hate and whatever else you need to release into the universe. You may just find that to be very helpful. And then in time my hope and pray for you is that you will be able to forgive them both, so you my dear can truly heal. God bless you.

“How can I let go of the feelings I have now?“

Billiegoat, you don’t ‘let go’, you spit it out, you scream it out, you hurl it out. That’s what I would do.

Molesting and raping children is evil. Feeding children to molesters and rapists is beyond evil.

If those two evil bastards were still alive, I would get in their faces, and scream at them and tell them they are worse than scum.

Since they are now dead, I would go to their graves and tell them I hope they are burning in he!!. Or if I couldn’t go to their graves, I would put up their pictures and spit out all my anger at them.

That’s how I would ‘let go.’

Billiegoat,
Not something you "let go of". It is a nightmare for you, and others that have been harmed. The letter is not only devastating, it confirms what was denied.
You will need to take definitive steps to work through the crimes against you, and the betrayal.

Start with how you came across the letter. Can you share that? Did you give care to your loved one?

You may want to see a counselor, and an attorney.
I am not suggesting this, but the letter can be used as evidence in a civil suit against the estate for restitution of the crimes against you. This may be farthest from your mind right now, or not something you would be open to considering.
The letter may be used (at least as a communication tool) to help others who may have been harmed by the very same person.

Start a journal now. In working through this trauma, it may result in a book to help others. But for now, you matter. Your pain and confusion matter. I am so sorry for your loss, many losses.

{{{{{{{{{many hugs}}}}}}}}}

💞💞💞💞💔💞💞💞💞💞💞

💔💧💧💧💧💧 I hate that this happened to you. I am having tears for your heartache and pain. I read, and see that this loved one and the perpetrator were of another household, as you said there were sleepovers. I am repeating this because I think it is important to be heard, really heard, and understood.
Did your own mother know? Did I get that right? Or was it your mother who sent you on sleepovers, knowing.? You don't have to explain.

I'm so sorry for this unpleasant situation! So horrible.

It is going to take time to get over this. I would seriously consider going to therapy to help you process all the strong feelings you must be having.

If therapy is out for whatever reason, I'd get busy googling for suggestions on how to deal with this. Journaling could help. Letting your feelings out that way and writing can sometimes help you make sense of and process things.

You will get over this. Often time is the best healer but more than that is in order, IMHO.

Billiegoat, my sympathies to you on this awful discovery.
I seem to recall that you lost both of your parents within a short period of time and that your husband was being less than supportive.

I wouldn't bother with hotlines; those are for folks in the midst of a crisis; what you appear to be experiencing are long term after-effects of being molested as a child, having the validity of your memory being dismissed and lack of being able to come to terms with these experiences. (no surprise at ALL that you can't "let it go"). You shouldn't "let it go". You need to work through it.

In your shoes, I would find myself a well-qualified psychiatrist and get an accurate diagnosis, talk about the appropriate medical/therapeutic treatment and take it from there.

Big (((((((hugs)))))))).

I agree with JoAnn that these kinds of issues weren't discussed years ago as they are today.   Disclosure and subsequent action also weren't as present and pursued more publicly and more aggressively.  Your mother may not have known what to do, or how to proceed, especially since these were kind of hush-hush situations.

I also agree with MidKid that help is a good option.    I don't often look to professionals for guidance, but this is a situation in which I think it would be highly appropriate to get counseling, especially since the parties involved are now deceased and can't be confronted.

I hope you can find a path through this mental morass and feeling of betrayal, and wish you success and peace in doing so.

Billie--

My heart aches for you. This is betrayal at the most basic level--your mother flat out lying to you....and she's not here to have a discussion with to seek for closure--if in fact that's even possible!

My OB was a pedophile. My mom knew it and covered for him. I was only one of his MANY victims--and it wasn't until I was in my 40's that I realized something was 'wrong'. I had simply blacked out all the details.

What to do? Well, go ahead and be angry, because a certain part of healing is acknowledging you were wrong and being angry about it--

Then learning to deal with the aftermath. Doesn't matter if it was 20, 30, 50 or more years. Or less. You do NOT just 'get over it'.

Mom thinks I am a troublemaker for bringing this to light. BUT--when I did, 25 years ago, it was ugly and there was a LOT of denial, as OB was mom's favorite kid, by far. I tried a few times to broach this with her--I felt she owed me some kind of explanation about how she could just turn a blind eye to the core reason I am often an anxious mess. She simply DIDN'T CARE. That's a big pill to swallow.

This is something that you are all alone in and that stinks. Anger will be your companion for a while, sadness, a sense of loss, and a paradigm shift of your whole life.

But you can be ok. Please seek out help. Please don't try to do this alone.

My OB died 11 years ago. I have not forgiven him yet and may not be able to for my time here on earth. I wish I were a better person and could do that, but it's not in my heart.

Can you find other people he (I am assuming it's a 'he') who were also molested and form sort of a support group. My own SIBS didn't know what was 'going on'--except for the 2 other sibs who were also molested and keeping it quiet. All in all, OB molested more than 20 kids---he actually went to jail for it--and even that did not make my mother accept the truth. (Dad, on the other hand, was horrified and angry--but he had end stage Parkinson's and could not deal with it. He just cried for me--and really, that helped--to have ONE person who believed.)

I'm kind of all over the place this morning--sorry if I'm not making sense. Had a very bad night-my anxiety shows itself in nightmares and I rarely have a 'good night's' sleep.

I feel for you and I hope you get some help. One thing you don't do is push it down way inside and ignore it. THAT is not healthy. You can come to a place of peace.

((Hugs))

How old are you. I am 72 and things like this were not discussed back when I was a child. It was swept under the rug. There is so much more info out now. Ways to get people prosecuted that weren't there when I was a child. Thank god I was never molested. Would my Mom have believed me if I told her? Would she have spoken up? If she had would people have believed her? Pedophiles can be very charming and manipulative.

Not sure if we are the ones who can help u find closure. You may need help from a professional.