Making final plans to move parents (91) to independent living this week. Younger sister seems to give me pushback on every idea. Advice?

Well, when it comes to where does the furniture go, thats up to Mom.

Me, I had POA for financial and Medical. One brother was 8 hrs away, the other chose to do his own thing. So I made all the decisions. I only consulted with my one brother when I needed some input. I did, with the help of DH, all the clean out. I was able to do it over a period of time, though.

I loved the way my neighbors daughter cleaned out her Moms. She had everyone come in an sticker the items they wanted first. When everyone was satisfied with what they got or compromised if 2 wanted the same item, they picked up their items and the rest was gotten rid of.

Would it help to sit together and divide up the tasks. Be honest and say that the "argument" for want of a better word is tiring and stressful. Ask her to pick the tasks she would most enjoy. Arranging the furniture? Great. Setting up the apartment insurance? Great. Then you take on those tasks YOU are willing to do. For me, when my bro entered his ALF I would have loved to have another Sister I could share duties with, could assign some of the duties. I don't see "stand her". That sounds so adversarial. You aren't enemies. You are trying to help one another negotiate something difficult. You should be friends and help one another through. Standing up to someone is the step you take before you have to decide which mountain you want to die on.

I agree with you being their DPoA if you currently are not (and no one is). There are too many cooks in the kitchen at this point and appeasement isn't a good strategy most of the time -- especially with very elderly seniors -- since their abilities for logic and reason are decreasing and sometimes it's not apparent when and how much.

That being said, the caregiving arrangement works best when it works for both parties: care receivers and care givers. I don't think it's working in your case (although it's not as bad as it could become). If you can let us know who the PoA is and when the authority is active (springing vs. durable) it would be helpful to answer your question.

Also, are you SURE they only need IL and not AL? Your profile says your mom has dementia. What about your dad? Have they been assessed for their ADL skills and cognitive/memory levels? You don't want to move them (which is hard on seniors) only to find out they need a higher level of care within a few months. Does the IL community they are moving to have a campus of other care options, like AL, MC and LTC? This would be important to have. I know this is all hard -- been there and done that. Wishing you much success in helping them while working out unity with your siblings.

Somebody's got to have the final say. It's nice when people take each others opinions into account and even nicer when they agree but sometimes that's impossible. If your parents are competent, who have they asked for help? Do they step in to "break the tie" when you disagree? Have your parents set up powers of attorney, either valid now or in the future when they're incapable? With the amount of work you're putting into their finances, etc. you deserve the courtesy of being designated their POA. Sounds like both durable and medical.

If your parents want you to just "work it out" with your sister with no input from them they're really doing all of you a disservice. You're perfectly within your rights to tell your sister she can defer to your research and wisdom or she can do it herself.