Mom was actually a decent mother, and yet I have started resenting her now that I'm responsible for her 24/7. Are these feelings valid?

Wearynow, you are absolutely entitled to feel resentful at times. My mother was also decent. She tried hard but dealt with low self-esteem, OCD, TIAs, epileptic seizures and depression. I do know she tried hard to be the best mother she could.

I'm an only son. My father passed away almost 21 years ago. Not only was my mother dealing with the aforementioned issues, she didn't drive due to the seizures. So I became the "surrogate husband", taking her on errands and to doctors appointments. We lived close so it was okay. I had a demanding career and knew my Saturdays were gone but still made time for myself.

We all moved to another state in 2006, and I arranged for my mother to live in a 55+ community. She had friends there and someone I hired to take her on errands so I would simply visit on Saturdays. The pressure diminished temporarily. She was 25 miles away but I always made the drive.

4 years ago we moved her to into Assisted Living. She was fine there for a while but is now in the "transition" phase of hospice. There are days when she is incoherent and only drinks sips of water and days where she is lucid and hungry again for solid food. To avoid resentment, I don't make the drive every day but know she is in good hands and there is nothing I can personally do to make it better. I visit a couple of times a week just to let her know I care and say my potential "goodbyes" just in case.

I do have some resentment for being responsible for her for 21 years. I could have been living in a mansion for what I've paid to Assisted Living and I've given up so much of my life when I know children of elderly parents that see them maybe once a year But in the end I know it is my responsibility as her only child to see that she is comfortable and happy until the end of her life. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling resentment from time to time. You are clearly doing everything possible to take care of your mother.

My Mom was a good Mom and I have been caring for her for the past 13 years. In the beginning I was happy to care for her. But now her Dimensia is at a point that she poos and pees herself many times a day and night. She wears diapers and pads yet nothing stops her from messing herself because she thinks she doesn’t need them and as soon as I am not looking she takes them off. I too have come to resent this burden. I am 67 and should be living a retired lifestyle instead I take care of her. But in the night when she is sleeping I remember the good times and say I can do this at least for a few more days. That is how I get thru it.
This message board has really helped me too. Prior all I read were these loving messages and thought why don’t I feel warm and loving towards her all the time. This board has really helped me to know I am not alone. One day at a time and often one hour at a time. God bless.

Dear wearynow, Bless your heart! I get it! I really do! I left my beautiful home in another state to come here and stay with my mother because I’m the only one of four kids who seems to be able to, for some reason or another (plus I’m a retired nurse). I think there are days I would rather lose both legs than get out of bed in the morning. When I realize I want to just go home, I feel like a horribly selfish person! Maybe it’s just human nature to want to be able to make our own choices to be able to do exactly as we wish. I wonder. I have therapy with a really excellent psychologist once a week on the phone. She tells me to learn distraction techniques when I feel like a meltdown. At least you’re trying your best to be there with your mother! What a loving heart you have and I’m sure she appreciates the loving connection you both share!

Yes, your feelings are valid. My mom was basically an okay mom too. Annoying to me most of the time, but she did take care of me and was a decent mom. I deeply resent having to take care of her and since my father passed away last year I am 100% responsible for her and my life has become a living hell. Okay, so I am exaggerating a bit, but I am sure you know the feeling.

I am an only child, so there is no one else who can take care of mom. Her brother-in-law and sister each stay with her one night a week so I can get a break. We also have an overnight caregiver for her two nights a week, so I do get a bit of a break from her. But the responsibility is always there, it never goes away and I do resent it. Sometimes I get very angry at her for not having planned her life better so that this wouldn't happen. I also resent the expectation that I am the one who must take care of her, and I think that's what you are reacting to when your in-laws came to you. I suspect there's a strong cultural component here. I am not American in my culture (most every culture actually) it is women who are expected to take care of elders.

Is it possible that your resentment isn't so much towards your mom but this cultural expectation that it is your responsibility to take care of her? Whatever it is, I just wanted to give you some reassurance that you are not a monster, or an evil person. Your feelings are valid and they matter. It is inevitable that you will have these unpleasant feelings frequently during this journey. My mom also has dementia (I should have said this sooner) and this evil disease really complicates everything. I often find myself wishing that she would die soon because really I don't see that she has any quality of life now and it is only going to get worse.

Hugs to you! I am sad to admit that I have felt this way many times. My Mom is and was an amazing Mom and deserves nothing but love but I get tired, frustrated and sometimes resentful. You are human. I never reached out for help or to take brakes, you should. Doesn't matter if other people will be as good as you are with your Mom, take a break whenever you can even if it is short. This helps a little. Know that you are not alone and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

As an only child, and an adoptee on top of that, it fell to me to deal with my mom as her decline toward death developed, including dementia that had been carefully masked by her since my dad had passed 11 years before. I use the word 'deal' on purpose because we had a difficult relationship from the getgo; and I lived halfway across the US from her to boot. It was bizarre and yet poignant to realize that I then had to 'parent my parent.' It was a huge disruption to my life, to my hardwon independence from the selfish, Narcissistic, controlling woman that raised me; my father was in the military and away on duty much of my early childhood. My resentment toward my mom stemmed from the poor communication, the financial burden, and the sudden dependency of my mom, who did not comprehend her actual situation. She had no friends and even relatives in her area kept their distance, such was her difficult personality. Luckily a kind lady who helped mom with housework once a week stepped up and became my long distance 'eyes and ears' and a conduit for me to do things for my mom. We often had to pretend many things were coming from the local lady friend, not from me, such was my mom's determination to keep me at arm's length, to acknowledge her need, her own increasing dependency. Mom's doctor was also a barrier, hiding behind HIPAA laws until her favorite nephew coaxed a permission slip out of her to make her doctor share important information with me; it was uphill all the way. I honestly felt trapped a lot of the time, and definitely overwhelmed, but support groups helped to a degree, plus my determination to ensure she and I had a 'clean' ending, for both our sakes: she was a human being deserving of dignity despite our rough history AND I wanted to know I did 'right' by her to be at peace when she passed away. Mom was suspicious of most everything I did, even financial things, but I knew it was her illness, not just her personality. As harsh as this may sound I sometimes think what else should we do...put our elders on an ice floe and send them away? Part of our own path and spiritual task is to step up, Without Undermining Our Own Health, because the task will also teach us, help us grow as human beings. That does NOT mean being anyone's doormat, or to be taken advantage of by other family members. Often times other folks are also at a loss as to What to Do; as with any interpersonal situation Communication is key: you have to spell it out for people, identify what is needed and ask for it. A lot is trial and error and that is OK! For the FIL who notified you 'your mom is standing'...let FIL know he has your backing, thank him and ask him to reassure her, to 'babysit' her. We will all be there someday, to one degree or another; I don't think any amount of 'planning' can cover all the bases because every journey is different. Nobody truly understands elder care until they've experienced it themselves, and there is no one 'right' way...your feelings are legitimate AND you/we step up; when we commit to the task it is very interesting how the way reveals itself; trust yourself, know that feelings are indicators, spurring us to become creative with ideas and solutions. All the Best for all concerned.

I wish I had a daughter like you. Sigh. I live alone, am 74, and am starting to really deteriorate after my "coding" (dying) from Ventricular Fibrillation in 2117. After they revived me, they put in a pacemaker/defibrillator . I am in Stage 3 of Congestive Heart failure and can feel myself going downhill. The two major things I do for myself... well, 3 major things: testing my breathing, blood pressure and blood sugar, and figuring out which meds to take daily; washing and drying the clothes (but unable to stand long enough to hang them up or fold them); washing the dishes. (Oh, and I order meals to come to my apartment that require little to no fussing in the kitchen, such as chicken wraps you just eat out of the container). The one thing I can't do is take out my garbage. I have asked my son to help me once a week and he expressed THE SAME EXACT FEELINGS you are having. And that is just for ONCE A WEEK, no more than one hour a week. So, I WISH I had a daughter like you. I'm sorry you are being burdened. I think PART of it is also the realization that you are losing your mom slowly and that hurts. IT IS EASIER to be angry or annoyed than to be scared. God bless you for being such a great daughter. If there is ANYONE else in the family nearby, do not hold back your INSISTENCE that they pitch in and help. Explain until she is here X number of years, the government CAN NOT help Mom. Take some deep breaths and find a way to have comfort time for yourself. Realize you are A HERO!!!!

You are sooo NOT alone trust me! My mother like yours was a good mother and still is. I have been her primary caretaker for almost two years now. You are a good daughter trying to do a very difficult job. It is totally normal to feel these feelings of resentment at times and then guilt. Anyone in our situation would. What I have found to help ease the stress is getting help. Find it where ever you can. Family if you’re lucky to have them help out, agencies if you have the financial means, church if you are involved and definitely look into your local senior citizen community services. I receive 6 hours a week for my mom from them. Bottom line you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your Mom but also an extremely difficult one that takes a village! So you have to create your own village! I wish you all the best. This forum has helped me so much in the past year and a half I cannot even begin to tell you. I pray for all of us here each day 🙏

I understand totally. I loved my father but we were not emotionally close. Most of my life it was hard for me to deal with his unusual personality. I was the only one who was able to step up to the plate and bring him to live with us when he got dementia. It was bitter-sweet. I took good care of him but I also resented it sometimes and then feel very guilty. After he passed away I inherited the care of his adult son, my brother who was born with cerebral palsy. While he is not difficult to care for, he still needs 24/7 supervision because he is cognitively slow and is unable to make safe decisions for himself...he just cannot care for himself alone so here I am. This is a lifetime commitment for me...and yes more resentment. None of this is his fault so I don't make him feel like it is....but I have my moments of impatience and just wish I didn't have this responsibility every single day. So I get how you feel....I don't think it's unusual.

Omg- I’m overwhelmed by your generosity in reassuring me. Your stories are so poignant but my takeaway is you all persevered/ing and came out somehow at the end or getting thru your days. I will try to draw courage from each of you and take breaks when this resentment threatens to boil over. Salute to all of you and a huge THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU