When to tell the truth if it will be upsetting?

Please take the nurse's advice, do not tell mum the house is sold. You can tell her everything is being taken care of the bills paid etc. Which is true, just not the bills she thinks.

Your Mum has dementia, she has OCD, she will forget your answer and ask the questions anyways, but she will have been extremely distressed when you tell her the house has been sold.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are doing what has to be done to ensure Mum is getting the care she needs.

Why do you feel guilty not telling your mom something that'll cause her great anxiety? Would you tell someone their hair or outfit looked terrible, or would you feel guilty not telling them the truth? This is the same thing.

You don't tell dementia/Alzheimer's patients the truth about a lot of things, because 1. They get upset, 2. They won't remember and will ask about it again, and 3. They'll get upset. That's why you don't tell someone over and over that their spouse has died (once is enough), and you don't tell them the house has been sold.

Your Mom will never go home. Those lucid days will be less and less. She is in MC because she has been evaluated and she cannot live alone and she needs 24/7 care. Just play along.

I man I knew all my life was in a home. His daughter visited everyday.

Man "Can u take the car in for an oil change
Daughter "sure Dad"

Next day: Man "Did u take the car in?"
Daughter "yes Dad"
Next day: Man "Did u pick up the car"
Daughter " Yes Dad, its in ur driveway"
Man "Good"

I would visit my Aunt and she had a man friend who called her every day. And every time she talked to him she would say "Well, I don't know when they are going to let me out of here" She was there over 10 years.

I think these words from Maya Angelou speak volumes to the challenges of relating to someone with dementia...

"I've learned that people will forget what you've said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Knowing you want her to feel relaxed, calm and safe, keep this in mind. I hope it eases the guilt.

You’ve taken care of your mom and acted in her best interests. Each time she asks about home tell her some version of “later, when the doctors say it’s time” It’s not worth causing her stress and sadness over something that will never be different.

I hope you will begin to be able to change some of the semantics when you speak to yourself about all that is happening. The word guilt should be replaced with the word grief, because that is what all are experiencing in this decline for which no one is responsible.
Another way to prevent guilt (but not grief, which cannot be prevented now) is to tell the truth. The longer the truth is put off the more difficult. The person told the truth has so much more to work with, and the discussions will be so honest it may amaze you. My brother and I participated in the trajectory of his Lewy's diagnosis until his death, and he was/became a master at describing what his "world" looked like, and in knowing it was different from the world he inhabited before, and from the world of others. While he did dread where this would lead, he was glad he knew the reasons for the changes in his daily life. I paid all his bills and was his POA and Trustee; I gave him a monthly accounting, and he had a notebook to clip it into; this comforted him as he had always been very organized. His knowing where to find his list of who was paid when was his go to and his anxiety eased so many symptoms he had.
Be honest. Will there be grief and rage? YES! Is this not worth mourning? Is it not worth rage? The more uncertainty there is, then the more anxiety and feeling of betrayal. As a nurse, as a sister who traveled this journey with my brother until his death, that is what I recommend.

We went thru this as well and earlier this year, in February, after a year of her begging to go "home" we did just that. We removed her from the facility she had been in for a year, which ended up being bad, mostly due to the lockdown .We were so thankful to be taking her back home. We felt it would help her spirit and give her joy.
And then, the nightmare began... She had no idea she was home, sitting in her living room with all of her possessions around her. Her home of 53 years. She didnt recognize any of it. We were mortified. She kept asking when she was going home 😟 we found a better mc facilty for her, which is where she is now. In July we sold her home because we knew she would never go back. We will never tell her. It will serve no purpose. Try to let go of the guilt. We do what we have to do to make sure she has the best care. Thats all any of us can do.

I’m in this exact situation with my mother. Memory care for six months now and we had to sell her house to pay her expenses. Occasionally, she says “I think I’ll go home Friday” or some other random comment about going home. My brother and I told her months ago that it was time to sell and we would handle it. We’ve decided telling her the house sold would be too much for her to handle emotionally, plus we believe she’ll forget what we said, so why put her through that? We take one day at a time and if she says she’s going back to her house “next week” I’ve learned to say “ok”. Then she forgets she said it til it comes up again. I’m heartbroken that we had to sell her house but we had no choice. I’ve learned that she doesn’t have to know everything and the kindest thing we can do is not tell her anything that would upset her. She even still mentions my dad, as if he’s alive, which he isn’t. I just listen and agree with whatever she says. She’ll forget in the next few minutes after she mentions something like that. My goal now is to spare her any unnecessary distress. You did the right thing. Sometimes my mother has lucid moments and I second guess our decisions. But then I remember that she’ll never get better, only worse, so she’s where she needs to be. This is a tough season for a family. Sending big hugs to you. ❤️

Probably best to just let her know the home is ok (since somebody else is caring for it), bills are being paid, and everything is fine. Since she has Alzheimer's dementia, the "home" she might be referring to might not even the the one you sold.

Tell her she can go home when she gets better. That's technically not a lie. She'll never get better, she won't go home.

You did the right thing. She is safe and is where she needs to be.