I am trans (Female to Male) and wear "male clothing" such as ties. I am pressured to keep in contact with my grandfather. I am pressured to meet with him, but the family tells me to take off my ties. Grandpa is of sound mind. My parents and uncle say that the ties will upset him. I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, since knowing that I transitioned would hurt his feelings and I didn't want to cause him pain. My compromise was not to hurt his feelings but also not to hurt my feelings by pretending to be someone I am not. My parents can make something up for why I can't speak to grandpa, like I lost my phone or am out of the country. I don't waive it in anyone's face, but I don't change my style of dress for anyone. I am considerate, so if it's an event at a nice restaurant, I will wear "male" dress pants rather than "male" jeans, which I wear normally, but I will not wear a dress or skirt just to please someone's emotions. Because grandpa grew up in a conservative environment, my therapist said he is unable to understand. But, I think, it's more "unwilling." Regardless of how he grew up, if he wants to accept me, he will. If he wants to learn about LGBTQ culture, he can. It's a choice. But age and background aren't excuses for intolerance. But I know he won't accept it and seeing me in a tie will make him upset. Calling me by my male name will make him upset. So I just stay away. A therapist told me that I am being selfish and inflexible by refusing to take off my tie. My therapist said if I truly love someone, like a family member, I will take off my tie in an act of compassion. My therapist said I am lacking in compassion. Is the therapist right or is the therapist a homophobe?
I don't know how I could talk to grandpa, because then I'd have to say I am interested in "female" things, like dance and cooking, and not the truth, which is tools and sports ("male" interests). I can't introduce him to the girl I am dating and would have to lie. If he asks me what I am reading, I'd have to lie, as I mostly read stuff about trans issues. So I am worried that if I start lying, I'll forget and eventually get caught. I understand lying at work to protect myself, but you shouldn't have to lie to family.
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Visit your grandfather* and be yourself. Unless you're really very young, by which I mean - let's say - fifteen or under, you don't need to be told by your family how to dress, what to read, or which pursuits to follow. I hope you also don't need to be instructed in how to speak courteously and considerately even to someone who doesn't offer you his heartfelt approval.
Having said that. You no more need to wear a tie than a male transitioning to female needs to wear false eyelashes. Men can't take an interest in dance and cookery? - what nonsense. Neither do you have to give your grandfather a list of recommended reading for trans people - what's wrong with asking him instead if he's enjoyed any books recently, and sharing that with him? If he insists on using your original female name, tell him you'd rather he didn't call you anything.
I think, on balance, at the moment, you need to decide whether you will only accept and value your grandfather if the old dog learns a heck of a lot of new tricks. Is wokeness the only quality you care about in people?
It tends to be forgotten in today's bad-tempered debate that LGBTQ issues were not invented this century. If your grandfather has lived to a ripe old age, then trust me he's met many, many people who were not of fixed gender. He will cope. Be kind, be courteous, be truthful.
Your therapist is a *therapist*?
* if you want to. If in fact you don't want to see your grandfather, you can skip the whole of the above. Just say no.
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No, you shouldn't have to live a lie and pretend to be someone you're not. You have nothing to be ashamed of and someone my age, who is a progressive and social liberal from the bluest state in the Union would totally accept you for the person you are.
An elderly man from a conservative back round isn't able to. So, it comes down to this question.
How much do you love your grandfather and family? Do you love them enough to leave the menswear at home to attend a special family function your grandfather will be at?
You don't have to pretend to be someone else. You don't have to be a provocateur either when your grandfather is involved.
My best friend is gay Latino man. My late father was a homophobic racist. Yet he liked him very much. Know why? Because he doesn't fit the negative stereotypes put on Puerto Rican people and gays. In other words, he keeps the the flame low on both. Now, my father knew he is both. It wasn't an issue because nobody made it one. My friend is not the kind of guy who waits for someone to offend him. Or the person that has to be the social activist in every situation regardless of the occasion or whether or not they will cause harm and ruin it.
Now, nobody is saying you have to put on an evening gown and a tiara when interacting with your grandfather. I'm sure no one expects you to either. You can leave the tie and menswear at home though. You can dress plainly in unisex clothing around him.
It's odd to me that your therapist wants you to have compassion and you consider the therapist to possibly be a 'homophobe', yet you want to flaunt your sexuality in grandpa's face without 'lies' and expect him to embrace it wholeheartedly. Why should everyone be expected to embrace YOUR lifestyle while you aren't expected to show compassion for theirs? Respect is a two-way street; realize that and your life may get a bit easier.
Ditch the tie and go visit grandpa, it's just that simple. Leave the g/f home, talk about neutral subjects such as your childhood and HIS hobbies and HIS life b/c who doesn't like to talk about their own life, after all? You're making a big deal out of your sexual orientation and how you identify when you should be putting all that aside and just visiting with grandpa now. No, you can't possibly 'take care of him', but you sure CAN visit with him periodically, and that's that. I am a woman who identifies as a woman and I can tell you 100% that I don't talk to my elderly mother about cooking, dancing, baking or fashion. We mostly just talk about HER and her aches and pains, her friends that get her aggravated, and what's going on in HER life. My life issues never enter the discussion b/c my mother has no interest in my life at all. She just checks to see if I've gained weight; that's her main focus in life: appearance. If I haven't gained 100lbs or shaved my head, it's all okay.
If you go visit grandpa and the discussion turns ugly, invent a reason why you have to suddenly leave and then do so. You're not being asked to move in with him, just to go visit. Leave all the trans issues at home and go visit the man you've known all your life who loves you, the person you are and always have been, deep inside. That's really where the human connection lies.
Good luck.
My DH has a brother who has a trans child who transitioned (male to female) while my MIL was starting to descend into dementia; she had emergency open heart surgery and died about 3 weeks later.
I can recall sitting with her in the rehab/nh as she watched videos of all of her grandchildren give her good wishes and "get better Nana" messages. The trans thing didn't faze her at all. She knew about it, her son had explained it to her.
She loved all of her grandchildren without judgement of any kind.
In the same vein, family told MY mom, after her dementia had started, that one of her nephews had come out (diffwrent issue, I know). My mom, as conservative a Catholic as they come said to me "I've changed. I don't want the Church to change, but I've changed. I don't think being gay is wrong".
I think you can be true to yourself and visit your grandpa as your authentic self, especially if he is, as you say, in his right mind. My answer might be different if he were deep into dementia.
There is also this: even the most intolerant, homophobic person has been known to change their viewpoints when it's someone THEY love who comes out, transitions or what have you. It's a very different mindset to vilify all "those kind of people" when they are all anonymous strangers; much different to condemn a beloved family member.
And I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: to accuse your therapist of being a homophone because you have a difference of opinion (wearing a tie? Really?) is absolutely ludicrous! Is every disagreement you have with someone in your life going to boil down to accusing that person of being a homophobe? Because to immediately jump to that conclusion does a disservice to everyone who HAS been a legitimate victim of homophobia.
If you don't want to visit grandpa, then don't visit him. But if you think that it's something that you will regret in the future, then make the effort. Grandpa might very well surprise you.
Do you really wear ties 24/7 or is it about sending a message loud and clear? You can talk about your job or a vacation or a great dinner or movie or the weather instead of girl or boy activities. You can learn a few jokes or deflect a question with a generalized comment and follow with a question (Reading? nothing special. What are you reading?) Or just ask questions. People associate love with interest in their lives so it’s an easy win. You can bring a friend who’s male or female or 4-legged and not get carried away with uncomfortable antics. (E.g. Guest dog terrifying a 10 yo cat cuz dog can sniff her out… isn’t that cute?)
It’s fair to want to be called by the name you call yourself. But if Grandpa refuses, it’s flotsam in the scheme of things.
So here’s the question: what’s really going on? If it’s anger that the family doesn’t approve, are you willing to hand them the power to destroy your relationship with your grandfather? If it’s that your grandfather won’t approve, you might have to accept that and meet him halfway. But consider this: A friend once said “the more enlightened you are, the more the burden is on you to take the high road.” It gets tiresome when all you want to do is go low, but on the flip side you can take great personal pride in being enlightened.
Btw… No, there’s nothing you say the therapist said to indicate a homophobic attitude. And yes, your therapist might be 100% correct saying you can’t teach an old conservative dog any new tricks.
I hope you strive to be enlightened in spite of the aaargh that comes with it. It is really good for the inner spirit to transcend all the crap around you.
Your therapist is right. Would it really endanger your identity if you wore jeans and a T-shirt and kept your sex life private for a visit? Who even goes there with a family member?
You want to be accepted but you don't feel like you have to reciprocate? Life is full of compromises and you can't ask anyone to accept you as you are if you aren't willing to do the same. Even if it is uncomfortable.
Is it the wearing of a scrap of fabric in which the OP feels most comfortable? Or is it the prospect of answering honestly when grandpa asks him what he's reading lately? Is it being called by his name?
For that matter, which of these actions constitutes putting his sex life on display in front of family (to the degree that it would necessitate saying "who even goes there with family?")? Maybe I skipped over a pertinent line.
(Sorry to the OP. Seems like maybe this isn't the best forum for the discussion you seek. But maybe it's too soon to say. I hope you get some answers from people who've lived your experience and understand.)
How do you feel about saying no or disappointing that person/persons?
I used to dress pretty out-there in my teens.. but would tone it down for Grandparents & would do smart casual for a job interview. I certainly get being comfortable in your clothing choices. That it can be how you express yourself & be part of your identity.
I just figure my clothes are just what I wear - I am still me underneath, regardless of an outer layer of fabric.
Don't overthink it. Wear a tie. Or not. Wear a tie INSIDE your shirt or as a belt. A fellow student last week wore knee high rainbow socks with men's style summer shorts. Looked great.