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TexasEric87 Asked October 2021

Grandma complaining about food, constantly urinating and she is always saying she is lonesome when I’m literally in the next room. Advice?

I am temporarily on disability for my back and I’m a 34 year old male. I am back with family but now my dad has moved my grandma in. I am growing depressed and I am already in enough pain from my medical conditions and I suffer mental illness myself. Depression, Anxiety and Panic attacks. I have been taking care of my grandma for months now and it’s taking a toll on me. I am tired but I know my father is in a situation that he has no choice but to move her in with us. He has her a house that is getting fixed up for her to move in supposedly next month. I already know he’s going to want me to stay with her, but I don’t want to. I stayed with her 7-8 years before she has become this bad off. I feel guilty when I do leave her in the sunroom with the TV on! But I just need a break. I love her so much but I can’t keep doing this. I’m on disability myself. And I’m constantly cleaning urine. She won’t eat basic foods like sandwiches and cup of noodles that I make her that is also easier on me because she has become used to me cooking. She is 85 years old. Before her moving in with us, I was in the house alone until my parents got home from work. All I do is pray that I am doing the right thing as her grandson but I’m tired physically and mentally and now I just let my dad know how her condition is. She does not have Dementia but Incontinence, she can do most things, some of it is playing the role and attention seeking. She won’t bathe or shower but she can I think some of it is also just being lazy idk anyways thanks y’all please forgive my writing skills that was my rant!

Isthisrealyreal Oct 2021
How about fixing enough dinner to serve her lunch the next day?

I would have dad put her on a bathroom schedule and make her get up every hour, two hours, half hour, whatever is needed to help with the incontinence.

Are there any adult day care programs in your area? This could help with the loneliness.
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Yes exactly I do that but she never wants to eat the same thing I’m starting to get a little pissed. You’re right today she is going to have to eat what I mad with her atleast for lunch!
Tara123 Oct 2021
Eric, you sound like a kind and caring young man, who is doing his best. I have children of 39 and 41, and I would not like to have them caring for an 85 year old full time. Part time is more than enough, especially when you are not well and cooking for everyone etc.
At the moment I am caring for 2X90 yr old mother & mil, plus my 88 year old father, and at 66 years old, I feel I spent so many years growing up with them, I can mainly adapt to their needs in a positive way - but it is still hard work!
A young man of your age adapting to an old lady is much harder, and yet you are doing it with a great spirit. The bible may talk about a lot of things, but I think the main thing is coming from your own good heart and conscience. BUT, you have to look after yourself and have breaks away from this.
If you don't already have one, get a TV with Internet and Youtube etc., so you can watch things you enjoy and put on programmes your Grandma enjoys. You sound like a religious family, and there is endless religious programmes you can enjoy or leave your Grandma to watch on her own. It is also an endless source of music of all kinds.
Rest your back regularly and make time for yourself - little treats or outings. Find something you enjoy doing like art or writing or some kind of hobby, as it relaxes you and takes you into a different world. If you've never tried anything creative, give it a try. Watch videos things you are interested in. Try meditations, which are wonderful for the mind and body.
You cannot care for someone else unless you care for yourself first!
Wishing you all the best.
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Yeah ma’am thank you so much you’re right I’m just so tired of doing this I wish my dad would have put here in a home SL center so we could visit her and she have more company

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Cashew Oct 2021
sounds like a lot more than "just incontinence"
My Mom had dementia and when she is in the other room...she thinks she is alone in the house, no matter how many people are here. If she cannot see them, she's alone.
Grandma may not be able to eat a sandwich or cup of noodles.
The lack of bathing is another MAJOR red flag of more than "just incontinence".
I think Grandma needs to have a work up by the doctors to get her a diagnosis of whatever it may be.

lealonnie1 Oct 2021
Some people think they're doing an elder a great favor by 'fixing up a house' for her to live in, then asking an unqualified family member to give up his life to care for her, and then all will be well. The reality is something entirely different. First of all, the elder likely needs A LOT more care than anyone realizes. "Just" being incontinent is only part of a much larger story. Why is she incontinent? What else is going on in her body that makes her incontinent? I suspect dementia myself, due to her complaining of 'loneliness' when you're in the same house with her. Men especially tend to dismiss that possibility in their mother's and chalk odd behavior off to 'just old age' when it could indeed be something a lot more serious like dementia, which is another kettle of fish entirely.

Then there's you who will likely be 'asked' to care for her when you're not interested in doing so, suffering from your own issues, and unqualified to medically care for an elder with health issues. Unless you are in the medical field which you neglected to mention. "Just" preparing a house for an 85 year old woman with health issues is not enough! Your father has GOT to make OTHER arrangements for grandma's care besides just 'getting a house' ready for her to move into! It's very aggravating to hear statements like that, honestly, b/c he has no idea what's going on with her. "Not wanting to bathe or shower" is a hallmark issue of dementia/Alzheimer's, yet it's being chalked off to 'laziness', etc.

Please speak to your father right away. Number 1, grandma needs a full medical evaluation BEFORE anything else happens. She needs a cognitive evaluation in addition to a full medical workup to see what sort of help she needs on an ongoing basis. Is she equipped to live alone? If not, does she require 24/7 care?

Know that this situation is not about 'love'. Of course you love your grandmother, you just don't want to devote your entire life to caring for her in home and becoming a slave to it. And I don't blame you. "Free rent" is not a good trade off for what's being expected of you. Nor are you in an mental or physical condition to BE a caregiver for an 85 year old woman who needs someone with a good, strong back and no depression issues to look after her.

Wishing you the best of luck getting this message thru to your father.
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Absolutely you are 100% correct I’ve beeb trying to tell him dad something more is going on I’m with her all day! Constantly telling him how hard it is for me to care for her while being disabled and depressed she will have a doctor come here to the house tomorrow to check her out.
FlowerDance Oct 2021
It is REASONABLE for your family to expect you to contribute (and you ARE) since you are living under their roof and resources. But that does not entitle anyone in the household to abuse you, and that includes your grandmother.

Geaton777 is correct about this being an EXCELLENT--though brief and temporary window--to transition Grandma to a good elder care facility. If you have home internet access, since your health challenges keep you home currently, perhaps you could help your Mom & Dad by preparing a list of potential locations. You also have some options in better managing the verbal exchanges you have with your Gram, and in setting reasonable expectations for how you are able to assist her.

If YOU are offering to fix her a meal, you can say "I'm making myself a sandwich, Gran; would you like one?" If she counters with alternative request outside your availablility or plans, smile kindly and tell her that sandwiches are the only thing on the menu at this time, but if she wants something else, certainly the kitchen is open to her as well. Hard to react badly to kind words said with love.

Your parents should also take the initiative and just purchase a package of the pretty, ladies protective undergarments (don't use the "D" word); they're quite attractive, easy as underwear to put on, and relatively inexpensive (I believe about $16. for 20 or 30 in a package). You might also ask Gram to assist in her own surface cleaning (chairs, floor) after an accident, even if that just means your putting down a clean towel on the puddle and having her move it with her shoe to wipe most of the damp up. It may help her understand the effort her behavior is requiring. Alternatively, puppy pads for putting under on her seat or chair cushion can usually be purchased 4 to a pack at Dollar Tree or 99 cent only. stores.

I hope this works out for your family and that you can all figure out a way to communicate with each other in kindness, love and honesty to resolve these challenges and help everyone live their best life. I also wish improving health for you, Eric.

Geaton777 Oct 2021
Hard "no" to her moving in with you permanently, or providing any of her care going forward. Your dad has a golden opportunity to move her into a good care facility -- do you know if she is a candidate for AL or MC? He can tell her it's temporary while her house is being remodeled. It is immoral to "assume" someone else into the very difficult and burdensome job of caregiving. There are other solutions, but your Dad may be operating out of some sort of cultural tradition in to provide all the hands-on caregiving "in perpetuity" for his mother and then most likely will expect you to do the same for him. You are way, way too young for this type of commitment. Saying "no" to him do not mean you don't love her deeply (although he might exert all kinds of pressure to relent). There are other options for her care. Maybe start by researching facilities, figuring out her financial situation and talking to social services to come in and get her assessed for some in-home help. Wishing you success in protecting yourself with strong boundaries!
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Thank you sooo much I just feel some what guilty as if I’m wrong for being tired. But I’m literally in pain and have been for 7+ years with chronic back pain that has eventually cause me to become temporarily disabled at about 27yrs old. I have many health problems and the constant cleaning and grouchy attitude is just really hard when I’m in constant pain myself. Then on top of it cooking dinner for my family so everyone can eat when they get home. I just feel like well I can think work right now and it is my grandma. But a lot of what you say is right Thank You so Much For helping me along with everyone else here this page is really great for caregivers!
Beatty Oct 2021
Back issues can take time.. Depression can become part of the adjustment to an injury but hopefully you will adjust, regain function, strengthen & heal. Is it the sort of thing a physio can help you with? Do you have support for the other issues?

At 34, you'll want to get back to enjoying a full life.

I haven't mentioned Grandma on purpose as it seems you need to focus on getting yourself up & going. Put your own O2 on first, yes?
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Thank you Ma’am well I go to physical therapy but it seems I need to see a specialist for nerve damage. I’ve had a precancerous tumor removed last year. And whenever I get the call I need to be tested for the disability MS so yes it’s just very difficult. Life has just changed with her being here for myself and my mother especially! My father bought her that house that is not yet complete and he has been mostly going to check the progress. But it seems when it comes to my grandma he doesn’t spend a lot of time with her he is a Police Officer so he works a lot. But most of everything with her he has put off on me. I do have a sister 5yrs younger and she’s a teacher and has her own apartment. But I guess he figures he has a 34yr old Son at home that can do it. When he told me she was going to stay I didn’t realize that I would become a caregiver. I lived with her before about 7-8 years ago to help her back then with things. But now she’s older and omg it’s really hard especially being disabled myself! Thank you again for all of your info!
Bridger46146 Oct 2021
Your grandmother is not your responsibility. You have enough problems without taking on your grandmother. Do not move in with her.
TexasEric87 Oct 2021
Thank you so much yes I didn’t know how to tell my dad like daddy. I already lived with her 8 years ago and she was hard to deal with then. And we her and I were both younger I was in My twenties then with no back issues or leg issues. Now I’m 34 and temporarily disabled with chronic back pain and I’m constantly cleaning urine and cleaning our couches. Making her coffee cooking meals for her. Buying her cigarettes she complains about basic foods I try to give her like sandwiches you know easy foods. Idk it’s hard I don’t need mean to sound Whiny especially being a young man but this has been one of the most difficult times of my life already and it’s only been 2 months she’s moved here. I try not to complain because my dad doesn’t have much of a choice and he is relying on me. But it’s hard on me and my mama because we are the ones doing everything for her. My mother used to sleep in the living room on the couch because she just used to enjoy sleeping there. She leaves at 5am every morning and sometimes doesn’t get home to about 7-8pm sometimes and the first thing my grandma would do is talk her head off. Yesterday my mom was literally in the sunroom alone and fell asleep and my grandma woke her up just to talk to her my mom I could tell was Pissed but was of course at the moment not showing it. I love my grandma but honestly she needs to be in a home I think even now my dad realizes that too. And I can tell that even he is starting to see how it is affecting me and my mom idk it’s Just tough on us it’s a lot. I just try to think of it as well I can’t work right now it’s the Lord giving me a opportunity to spend time with my grandma. Because who knows how much time she has at 85 not just her but any of us but especially at her age. So I just try to make the best of it through the pain and depression because the Bible talks of how we should treat our Elders!

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