How do I convince my wife of 61 years to accept outside the family assistance?

Jimwhidd: Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you tell your wife you cannot do it all without help. You must be the advocate for that to happen, unfortunately.

Just arrange for someone to come to the house and warn them she may not be too receptive. If she complains to you, tell her this person is there to help you, not her. Because that is the truth - you need some help to help her. Start with 1-2 days a week and then increase as needed. She will become used to having someone come in. -- As a note, with the dementia, sometimes the patient sees others as flirting.

You probably can't convince her, because you've created a situation where she really only feels safe with you. That is not fair to YOU. As the caregiver you have to take care of yourself, and you decide what is in her best interest.

What will work best for YOU? I assume you're not used to thinking about yourself first, but this is where you are and it is what is needed. In order for you to help her, help yourself. Whatever you need to do to take care of both of you -- just do it. Stop asking her for permission. It is not needed. I'm sure you have her best interests at heart.

And that is correct, the situation will worsen. Dementia does not get better. It gets worse. Osteoporosis may stall at some point but not dementia.

On a good day, speak with her about it. Let her know that she needs more help and it isn't right depending on everyone else when they all have their own families and life to live.
It's fine to have family and friends come to visit you but it really isn't nice to have them work for you. Let her know that you too are tired and need the help.
If she doesn't agree, hire help any way and once they arrive. Leave the house and let them do their job.
You should start out a few hours a day a few days a week and increase the time if needed.
I would also have cameras installed so you can see what's going on any time 24 7.
My Dad with dementia has 24 hr Caregivers and I had Nest Cameras installed and that relived so much to be able to check on my Dad using my lap top or cell phone any time.

Prayers

I also think if you hire someone, it should be a MALE nurse or attendant, or she might get jealous if you hire someone younger than she is and pretty.

Start a notebook/scrapbook for her where you and she discuss something she DID do that she didn't think she could every day. Even if it is just going to the bathroom, or sleeping even a little in bed. Let her give herself happy face stars, etc. IN OTHER WORDS, help her focus on the positive. EXPRESS to her that you WANT her to be as independent as possible and it will be easier if YOU can HIRE some help around the house; otherwise, the alternative is she might have to go into a home where she is cared for by professionals. Ask what SHE wants to do with the next decade of her life. Impress upon her that she might be able to live a couple or a few more decades, and how does she want her life to look like. Discussions!!!!!!!

Phrasing this kind of help as "personal assistant" is exactly the same JOB, but has a more dignified sound to it.

I was always referred to as a "PA" and I did not wear the company's shirt with the logo on it--my client did not like it and neither did I!

It took time to make that learning curve, but I was always made her aware that I was there for HER, which she loved.

We're going to have to get help for mother, she is falling a lot and cannot be left alone. That makes it so the family (YB's) can never go anywhere without leaving someone behind.

I have to take my own advice--mom's going to hate it.

My hubby has dementia, and the caregiver i hired came in to help me with him as I was in a wheelchair and couldn't do very much. He got accustomed to her helping him dress, toilet, fixing meals, etc. So much so that on weekends when she doesn't come, he spends most of the day sleeping.

My MIL is not accepting of outside help. How we get around that is we tell her the help is for ME, not her (even though everything the PSW does is for her). Once she accepted that they were they to help me, things went a lot smoother.

Your profile says you live in a very rural area and your daughter and son-in-law live next door (which is good to know, even if they aren't that involved).

I don't think you need to get your wife's acceptance or approval to hire in-home help. You can tell her they're there for you, not her. She will need some time to adjust to the right person who is patient, soft-spoken and knowledgeable about how to engage someone with dementia. Even if this person is just sitting in the next or same room as your wife so you can slip out and get a break, this is better than nothing, You need to take care of you, no matter what she wants. Blessings!