Is there a way to break through the passivity/indifference of my mom?

She’s not indifferent, she’s unable to process the steps to fixing her situation on her own. I’m sorry this is going on but she’s not going to change except to worsen, it’s the sad reality of dementia. Make peace with adult incontinence products and decide if you need more help to sustain her care

You're 'not ready' to face the fact your mother has dementia, is incontinent and requires adult briefs now??

It makes no sense to me that you'd rather clean up a body and clothing that's saturated with urine than to face reality and get your mother properly clothed in adult incontinence products. It's part of what you signed up for when taking her into your home to live with you. It's not pleasant, but it's easier to change Depends than it is to change soaking wet clothing! Not to mention, it's healthier and more hygienic for her and your entire household. Nobody should be sitting in wet clothing on furniture all day long.

"Telling your mom" anything is not going to register with her. Dementia robs a person of their reasoning skills and no matter how many times you tell them something, it doesn't get thru. I got my 80th call this morning from the memory care AL where my mother lives. She was 'getting up to go to work' this morning and fell out of bed, yet again, b/c she doesn't remember that she can't walk. So she's fallen 80x already and soon, I'll be getting the 81st call on the same matter. She hasn't gotten hurt yet, which is a miracle in and of itself, but it's only a matter of time before that changes, too. At almost 95 years old, sooner or later, she's going to break a bone in one of these falls.

Stop trying to use logic with dementia, and stop trying to ward off the inevitable with your mother. Learn all you can about dementia so you know what you're dealing with. Knowledge is power.

Weary has been on this forum for a while just posting now and then. She had to bring her Mom from India because there was no one to care for her there. She was able to get her Mom residency but her Mom is not entitled to any benefits like Medicaid for 5 years. Her Mom has no SS or Medicare and will never have them because she never worked in the States. Weary is totalling supporting her Mom. Paying for her health insurance monthly. This is all new to her so please, have a little patience. People come here for help, not to be criticized. We all learn as we go.

Respectfully, the one who needs changing is you. You seem to be in denial that your mom is no longer capable of reason and logic, and possibly even memory issues, therefore "telling" her anything won't work and will only serve to drive you crazy and make yourself exhausted because you're using the wrong strategies to help her (and you).

Has she ever had a cognitive/memory test by her doctor? If not I think this is the second step you need to take (and also to discount that she's having a different problem, like UTI, thyroid, over- or under-medicating, diabetes, etc).

The first thing I'd do is to find out if she has an assigned DPoA to take care of her medical and financial affairs when she is no longer able. If she doesn't have this, I strongly recommend you try to encourage her (not force her) to do this, and you'll need to help her get it done. You can read up on what this entails on other topics on this forum, and why it's important for her to give this legal authority for someone.

The reason why the diagnosis comes second is because if a PoA is created after someone is diagnosed, it can be contested (and mostly by contentious siblings or other family members). But an actual diagnosis will give you better guidance as to how to help her, like if she can benefit from certain meds, etc.

I'm so sorry you are coming to the realization that your mom is now less able to help herself and you are working and maybe even have a family as well. FYI you and your family are a priority over your mom -- if you don't get this order correct you will burn out and then everyone will suffer in some way. Please take care of yourself. For a while you'll feel like you're drinking from a firehose. Teepa Snow has some very good videos on YouTube so that you can learn about dementia and ways to make working with your mom easier through understanding the disease and how it impacts her abilities, and what behaviors it causes her to have. Her brain is broken and she can't help it. If you step up for her please do it being as fully informed as possible. This forum is a wealth of info so search for your questions to get lots of helpful answers.

You can remove all her cloth undies and replace them with adult incontinence ones so she doesn't have a choice but to wear those (if she even realizes she needs a fresh one).

I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help your mom!

Reminding her to wear and change incontinence underwear is infinitely easier than cleaning up urine soaked clothes and furniture, I can't understand your reluctance. If your mom had a brain injury caused by a traumatic fall or accident would you still expect her to be able to manage her own care? Alzheimer's and other dementias are brain diseases, they gradually, inexorably destroy brain tissue and no amount of "willpower" is going to change that.

Get your mind around your mom needing to be in diapers or pull-ups now. If she's peeing herself her clothes won't be the only things that get affected.
Your furniture will be getting peed on. So will your rugs if you have any. Then the whole house stinks of piss and there's nothing you can do about it except tear up the carpeting and throw away the furniture.
Take some precautions now. Put your mother in pull-ups. Get protective covers for the furniture so it doesn't get ruined. Furniture is expensive. If your money is tight can you afford to spend a fortune on new furniture and carpets?
No one wants to see their parents or anyone they love go into diapers. You love your mom, so bite the bullet and do what must be done. It will be better for her too because if she's sitting in piss soaked clothes, she's going to get a UTI. Wearing a pull-up is better than getting a UTI. Good luck.

When you put her in Depends, also, buy the Poise pads for women. My husband is in diapers and wears Maxium Guards for men. I simply change the guards during the day. It is a lot to take his shoes and clothes off to get to the diaper. The pads are easy to do. Hope this helps.....

Thank you all - your feedback is valuable in telling me where I'm going wrong. I will try to get the Depends.

It is part of this stage in life. As others have advised, it’s time to switch to disposable pull ups. Today, they are made very attractive so that’s a bonus. Don’t wear yourself out trying to change clothes several times a day and spend hours washing wet clothes.

Putting her in adult incontinence product is not cruel. There are some really pretty ones out there.