Background: moved Dad to AL near me this summer after a series of medical problems
I'm glad he's there because I thought he'd get more social time, even though he'd like to be in my house (but I work FT, my husband works FT, our kids are teens…he'd be alone all day, even if I could handle his care)
But I'm beginning to realize that he was totally dependent on my mom for their social life! Admittedly, my mom was super social — the kind of mom who used to embarrass me in the grocery store because she wanted to make friends with everyone on line. She had a lot of extended family, and was very involved in church, and even after she was infirm and unable to leave home she was always on the phone, emailing, or on Facebook (OMG, her and Facebook! But she loved it).
She passed away in 2017 and I know people reached out to my Dad because he told me they did and they told me. But he never reached back out, and those connections faded. Now he's near me in AL and I honestly think he doesn't know how to make friends without Mom doing it for him. So he is very socially dependent on me and my family and it's draining.
I really think he'd be happier if he did make some friends but when I try to broach the topic he gets touchy (understandable — who wants to talk about not being good at making friends?)
I'm thinking of asking the AL to help me with this. Any thoughts?
18 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
There are usually a lot of activities going on every day. Maybe you could attend a couple with your father and initiate conversation with others. Get Dad involved in the discussion and help him make friends. Then he can hang out with them.
AL can be a social, friendly place but only for those who seek it out. Your Mom always filled that role and now he needs a nudge. But if he's willing to make friends, these suggestions might help move the process along.
Best of luck to you.
ADVERTISEMENT
In the AL near me, both the men and women have something to talk about, the residents who have passed.
Perhaps someone (male) could set up a room for wood-working with tools provided for men who do not have their own and provide some easy projects that might interest men. The facility might set up snacks near a giant TV when major sports events are televised. Is there room for a horseshoe court outdoors? Is it possible to arrange some fishing outings nearby? I realize that men are often dependent on their wives for providing socialization and many are not at ease in situations where a lot of "talking" is involved. Even if men are more "introverted", there should be some activities available that can provide pleasant activities for them.
Sometimes there are community or church-affiliated groups where men might repair or clean up donated items for distribution, Men often do better if there is a project or an activity they can work on in the company of other people rather than just being expected to gather to chat and socialize.
Best of luck.
- go over for lunch ahead of time and with the ok of dietary to set up an additional place at his lunch table for you. This to see what’s it’s like when he walks into mealtimes. He could be exaggerating.
- talk with the Activities Director to find out what is set up that is more for “the old roosters”. College football game day, guys movie or board / cards nite. If he won’t go on his own, that when you go to visit and you lead him over to the event and leave him there.
If he was a fan of a team or two (college or pro) from his old state / city, buy him a sweatshirt or long sleeve top from that team. It will give a starting point for a conversation.
There probably is / are a couple of the ladies at the AL who are actively vying for his attention. He’s not being ignored or shunned socially if he is at all presentable…..
Call the social director of your dad's AL and ask him or her to knock on your dad's door to encourage him to socialize; to let him know about the happenings going on and to join in with the others. There are normally men's groups in AL; card games and such that he may want to involve himself with. I know my father finally was coaxed out of hiding in his room to join in some men's programs at his AL and he wound up having a good time. My uncle George is 101 and its the same thing with him; once he hooked up with 'the men' he was fine; until then, he felt overpowered by the women pecking at him for attention in the ALF and stayed to himself....LOL.
Wishing you the best of luck with the whole situation.
Those who suffer with Dementia like familiarity. They like their space small. Sometimes too much going on around them is too much. They get over stimulated. Maybe Dad has always been comfortable with himself. He loved Mom because she was his opposite and he went along with her. He may be a person who does not need friends. A person with Dementia will cling to the people they know. Maybe you should go to some of the activities/entertainment the AL provides. Take Dad so he sees what is going on. My Mom loved when the guy came in and played music from the 40s and 50s. She liked watching other people. She could not play Bingo or do puzzles. She never did either before her Dementia and there was no way she was going to learn after.
I am not as gregarious as your Mom but I am the more social of the two of us. My husband has a hearing problem so is not comfortable around too many people. So if we socialize, its usually with my friends.
You may need to realize that Dad may never "make friends" as you think of friends. I know at 72 I really don't care if I make a new friend. If it happens OK but I am not looking. Even if I was widowed I don't think I would look. Don't expect too much from Dad. Be happy in knowing he is safe and cared for. If he is calling alot, let the calls go to VM. Then pick and chose when u call him back.
I assume the AL has activities and a director for those activities, so they need to be told to encourage Dad to show up to some of them just to see what's going on. Then he might participate a bit, then he might talk to someone, then suddenly he has a friend. It's a step-by-step process, but yes, the AL people should be the conduit to bring him together with others.
When my mom went to her nursing home (and even on hospital stays, I always sent along a one-page biography with her. That enabled her caregivers to know what Mom was interested in, what kind of person she'd been before she was incapacitated, and even to let them know what her sense of humor was like. I asked that the staff who interacted with her read it, and everyone told me it was extremely helpful to get to know her faster. Consider doing that for Dad and giving it to the activities director and the other staff.