December Stress...

7 years ago my marriage ended. The first holiday season was hard, but then I decided I was nor free of all the seasonal expectations.

I refuse to feel obligated that I have to spend my time with anyone at all. Let me tell you life is much better.

Beatty you have more options that rolling with it or rolling into a ball. Give some thought to what you would like and go about making it happen.

Me, I am content with a good book, a charcuterie plate and a nice bottle of wine. I order the book ahead of time. I love Anne Perry's Christmas novellas. I make sure the wine is the right temperature and I have a lovely day.

One of my sons is often with me Christmas morning, but he knows he can go see his Dad and step Mum later in the day and I will not create any drama nor fuss.

My parents are the last people I want to see over the holidays. I have 50 years of bitter, snide, remarks and negativity out the wazoo, no more, I want a day of calm and peace.

Honestly, since my parents/in-laws are gone now, I found the pandemic as a welcome break from extended family members (nieces/nephews). I don't feel the need to entertain, or expose myself to, the people who were critical and/or unappreciative of the caregiving my husband and I provided. It was extremely stressful for the last years of their lives and extended family were hurtful and jackasses.

The pandemic is still ongoing and I plan to use it as an "excuse" this year as well to not see them. I'm an introverted person and quite content to stay in. I know I won't be able to use it as an excuse in 2022 so I will savor this holiday season. As I get older, extended family celebrations aren't as meaningful anymore. And I don't get into the hype of Christmas shopping, Black Friday or massive consumerism. I'd just as soon skip November and December. Think about it. How much "stuff" do you need? I stopped exchanging gifts years ago. My adult children receive gift cards or cash. I don't know what they want. Gift cards and/or cash let's THEM decide. I don't have grandchildren. I don't need scarves, gloves, knick knacks, etc. In fact, I'm trying to get RID of that stuff so when I die, my children aren't burdened with 50 years of accumulated "stuff" that they will have to deal with (like I had to TWICE). I'd rather have a coffee gift card or a dinner certificate. Something to consume and not clutter. They would too. Win win.

Christmas Update.
I just couldn't resist the urge to secretly unwrap and then re-wrap presents with my name on them.
My 94.5 year old mother came out of her room and caught me. She can be stealthy with her walker. First time in 63 years.
Maybe I'll have better willpower next year....

Christmas has been a big bust since my mom died. My family has never been all that close and we got together for the holidays for my mom. Since covid I haven't seen my family in almost two years and to be honest I'm happy about that. I wish them well and I would be there for them if they ever needed me in an emergency/health crisis. But I don't miss the stress of family get-togethers and if we have another covid shut-down this year at least I won't have to make an excuse why I can't be there.

My dad died on November 21, 2018 -- the day before Thanksgiving. We sort of had Thanksgiving as my ex-SIL sent over some food from her dinner, but that was it. Christmas came close on its heels, and we did the whole family thing while feeling absolutely dreadful. Dad's birthday was Dec. 20, too, so we did all the "first [fill in the blank] without Dad" in a month's time.

My mom died in July this year, and frankly, I don't have any interest in holidays at all. My husband's family is huge, loud and talks politics and conspiracy theories all the time, so I sure don't want to be with them, and my kids are all making noises about not wanting to travel to where we are, which is totally fine. I'm not keen on traveling to where they are (Colorado) in the dead of winter either, so frankly, I'd like to take a raincheck on all the holidays this year and just sit around the house staring at the walls.

The best Thanksgiving I ever had was about five years ago when I got a bad cold and had to bow out. I sat at home, watched old movies all day, and ate what I wanted while everyone else went to the relatives' house. It was great.

I see storm clouds on the horizon. Right now they appear smaller than they usually do. Right now the plans for Thanksgiving are to have lunch with my parents at their ALF. I will bring a gift basket for my parents. The day after Thanksgiving we will make our own small Thanksgiving dinner. It will just be me and my husband. Turkey enchiladas anyone? I made the sauce myself!
Christmas Eve: Spent with husband and son only. Menu not decided.
Christmas Day: Dinner spent at ALF with parents. We might eat the meal provided or I might bring a sandwich tray and fixings, cookies, cheese ball and crackers/ small veggie platter. Music will be Mitch Miller and the Gang! The Christmas gifts will be nicely wrapped. I planned all of this during the dog days of summer when I was repairing my Christmas Lights. Thanksgiving and Christmas cards already addressed and stamped. I was so down this summer.
I thought long and hard about what I want and this is it. Invisible family members not included. If oldies get grumpy we change subject or leave.

Beatty, third option: own it and do what makes you happy.

We decided 20+ years ago to leave both our families have the holidays they wanted and we would go skiing.

Both our families wanted us every year and that was not possible. They live 9 hours apart and we owned a business that didn't leave us long vacations.

When they all ruined our 4 day weekend with their gripping and complaining that they didn't understand why we had to go visit others and only spend a couple hours with them, yada, yada, yada. We gave each of them our home address and said "you want our undivided attention, come visit us! Next year we are going skiing. If you feel like you have to buy us something, find a needy family and fill their pantry, that's what we will be doing."

Since then the holiday's have been true holidays for us and we get to enjoy what we love to do without getting our butts chewed.

The last year my dad was with us, we went to a state park and grilled hotdogs and baked beans for Christmas dinner. He loved it and told everyone what a great Christmas he had. No stress, warm fire and lots of laughter, the perfect menu.

Do what brings you joy and let the others have the nonsense.

Every year I have cut back on Christmas.

First thing was Christmas Cards. Stopped when Mom lived with me. Was going to send cards this year to tell everyone "I am still alive" but the cost of stamps went up so debating.

Used to do tons of cookies to give as gifts. Have cut down to you get your favorite thing and that is all I do.

Dinner, my daughter does that and I bring the sides.

Gifts, my grandson and adopted granddaughter who are 7 and 8 get gifts. We chose 5 years back to adopt a family and what we would spend on each other, we spend on them. The boy aged out so we will not be doing it this year. Maybe mail them some gift cards. I used to exchange with a SIL but last year we agreed to stop.

So this Christmas will be quiet and un-stressful. If what you do during the holidays brings on nothing but stress and becomes overwhelming, then stop doing it.

Coping or crumbling? Probably crumbling. My first thought when I think of Christmas is that I could never, ever make my mother happy at Christmas. She was always so angry/upset and we never knew why so I assumed it must be my fault. Any way I slice it, there is family dysfunction. Abuse/mistreatment that dates back to childhood, eldercare decisions that others didn't like but I was the only one to jump in and make the choices, perceived privilege for some in the family where others are just so certain they have been shortchanged by the world and they aren't shy about discussing it. Stressors on top of stressors to the point where I am losing my mind and questioning my faith in general. Christmas 2020, most people were sad at not getting together where I viewed it as a welcome break from the December chaos of other years. Nope, not looking forward to it this year. I really feel like I just can't do it.

just sending hugs to us all.

courage.
wishing us an un-stressful oct/nov/december.

:)