Caregiving and working from home. How do others handle this?

kitchenwitch: Imho, you simply cannot be two people. You must hire assistance.

I did it for 1 year with both my parents with me and running a business. My parents were negative and uncooperative.
It's called adrenaline, I was fueled by it.
I suggest you get reliable help. I also suggest you take care of yourself. Eat healthy, some yoga, etc., it does help.
If you can, have someone to vent on.

Hire help for a few hours a day or week

Many churches offer volunteer "companion care" and have members that will sit with someone. These are just "visits"--from my understanding they don't help with any bathing, toileting, etc.--but will help with light chores, fixing snacks/light meals (sandwiches, etc.). I work from home as well, and taking care of my 93 yo mother with vascular dementia became rather time consuming and involved (she's incontinent), so I now have a caregiver come in 5 days a week from 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. I'm here to help, if needed, but leave the majority of the care to my caregiver. I check in with her periodically throughout the day, but am able to focus on my work, take calls, participate in Zoom meetings, etc. At 4:30 I stop for the day, take my dog for a walk, and then roll into evening caregiver mode at 5:00. Good luck--I know it's not easy!

Get connected with a social worker and senior networks in your local area to find out if your father is eligible for home care. You need aides to come in to help him so that you can focus on your work during work hours and when you need a break. You can also look into elder day care. Some areas have buses that pick up seniors and take them to facilities that provide appropriate activities and they can meet other seniors there.

All the boundaries and explanations just won't work or sink in. You could get a caretaker for a while daily or you have to get tough and say, NO...I am working and stick to it. Not everyone is suited to be a caretaker and should not be forced to do so as it will greatly harm you. Sometimes the choice is made to place them. You have to think of you and your job and unless you can physically and mentally separate the issues, one of them has to go.

My husband is 56, has had brain cancer for 16 yrs almost, last year had two brain bleeds.  I work full time from home; my employer is flexible but there has to be limits. Is there an adult day care in your area?  The bottom line is, you're being paid during working hours to focus and produce whatever your end product is.  Even though you're getting your hours in etc., the constant interruptions-no matter how light hearted and gracious,  affect the quality of your work AND it's time you need away from caregiving.  Our local adult day care closed when COV hit and hasn't reopened...this was integral in my decision for my husband to enter AL rather than return home.  Oh my goodness, just read your subsequent post....go back to your partner.  Move him closer to you-this is clearly long term.  You deserve a life too! 

I help care for my BIL about 50% of the time and ork from home. He's here 24/7 and not in any work program right now. He doesn't require nearly the amount that you dad does, but it's still a struggle. I have a flexible job too, but I've exhausted all but 2 PTO days (out of 25 I get) because of having to drive hours to pick him up, doctor appointments, etc. When he's here, he just needs help remembering his meds and with dinner. That might not sound bad, but it's hard even just having someone around all the time when I'm used to at least having a break by going to the office. Some things that might help: have a set time for dad's breakfast that is before your work hours start; let dad know that you're only able to help him with minor things during breaks/lunch; you could look into adult day programs (sometimes covered by insurance); look into respite care - they'll come to your house for hours or days if you want and sometimes it's covered by insurance.

Bottom line, you will be fired soon. Just pretend all that is happening in your office in a way that nobody else can see and you can see why. Your only hope is daycare and in-home care.

What did you do or did he do when you were working in an office, not from home?
If he managed then can he still manage or has he declined to the point where you would have had to have caregivers in to be with him?
If he has not declined and this is just because you are available that he is asking you to do things then it is up to you to set boundaries and stick to them. When you are working close your “office” door and post your hours. Come out for lunch then go back to work and come out when your work day is over.
If he has declined then you need to hire caregivers (dad pays for them) and they show up a bit before you “go to work” so you can brief them. Then they are not to interrupt you until lunch.
Or look for Adult Day Care for dad.

It's very hard to try to focus on work and the needs of an elderly relative. I was furloughed when covid started, but that's when the wheels fell off the bus with my mom, and we were faced with the realization that mom's age related 'memory' issues were something more. So she came to live with me to wait out covid. My job returned with a tremendous backlog. I was learning the Alzheimer's ropes, too, so that didn't help. But even with my mom being fairly biddable it was so much more difficult than it would seem from the outside looking in. She had no ability to really initiate anything for herself anymore (other than deciding she was going to be up and out the door for a walk without telling me), and so it was hard to find a good balance between work, taking care of my house, and trying to adjust to what she'd need. I missed being able to have some breathing room to think while I worked, or after dinner. With mom's AD there isn't really a point to trying to get her to remember schedules, etc, but she was pretty good about not disturbing me if i was on a call, but of course, that can go both ways--would have been better if she'd let me know she wanted help sometimes.

I worked remotely from my mother's house from March through October 2020. She has CHF and other assorted health issues. I had to set up at her kitchen table; there was no where else to set up. The TV was on, I had to answer the phone when she couldn't get to it, help with lunch, cook dinner and clean up, get groceries, light housekeeping, set up and attend video doctor visits, pick up prescriptions, lab visits, one ER visit. The ER visit resulted in PT and OT home visits for six weeks. Navigated all that along with nurse visits. Took vitals per doctor's request daily. At first I thought it was not that much additional work, but it was! Brother and SIL took her to their house on weekends (they live 3 miles away). She's "better" and manages fine during the day (she doesn't want to pay for outside help). Still goes to my brother's home on weekends. I recently got dr. to prescribe 3 more weeks of in home PT since she's fallen into the habit of hunching and shuffling when she walks. All this to say I couldn't work at her house anymore, no matter how much "better" she was. I did it before the pandemic (after work), and that had its challenges, but working remotely from her kitchen table and taking care of her was overwhelming. And I felt trapped. It took a lot for me to leave but I did. There was more to it but that's the abbreviated version. My brother and sister in law are doing it now. I'm still working remotely from my own home, 2-1/2 hours from hers.

From a previous post: "I've only been in the role about 2 months and go between feeling completely trapped and hopeless, to feeling like I'm answering some sort of divine calling, to feeling sad and overwhelmed, to feeling okay all within a day, most days. It's something I always knew was on the horizon for me as an only child but it's so, so much harder than I ever imagined."

Why has this always been on the horizon for you?

What are your father's finances? Can he afford Assisted Living? Can he pay for caregivers during the day so that you can work?

Are you living with your dad? Or working at his house? When you are working, is he able to take care of himself? If yes, he needs to leave you alone during working hours. Well, in re-reading your message, if he can't dress himself and get himself breakfast or open a window, etc etc. then he can't really take care of himself.

How about getting a caretaker for 3 or 4 hours a day so you can have uninterrupted work time. If you're at his house for working time, you need to anticipate some of his needs in advance. Like if he can't put his socks on, then make sure he is all dressed and has had breakfast, etc. before you start working.

Then tell him "Do not ask me for any help until noon unless it is a true emergency".

Your father may not be a 'demanding' person, but his age & infirmity are creating demands OF you that require your immediate time and attention. Add those requirements in with a full time job, and you're actually performing TWO full time jobs, when you think about it. So you won't be able to perform either of them properly due to only having 2 hands.

I suggest you hire a caregiver during your paid working hours to care for dad, on his dime, of course. Otherwise, your job performance will suffer.

There are only 24 hours in a day for each of us. Only one set of hands for each of us as well. As a result, there is only SO much we can do with those hours and those hands and no more. But for some reason, we think we can do it all and don't realize the TRUE toll caregiving takes on us! Especially in-home caregiving that's 24/7, in reality.

Good luck!

So if your dad is understanding that when he asks for help, how much help and how often, and he doesn't have memory impairment, then you can have a discussion with him and identify boundaries, timeframes, when you're "on duty" and off, what you're willing to do, etc.

If this doesn't work then he really isn't seeing the boundaries and he won't be learning them due to his progressive cognitive and health decline. You'll just orbit around him more and more because he is becoming less and less able. There won't be a balance to allow for your full attention to your job. You will need to decide when the caregiving goes over the line to onerous. The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both parties, the receiver and the giver. When it's not working for 1 of you, it's not working at all. You can put some interim strategies in place but eventually you will be a full-time caregiver with no time for your actual job. You need to plan now to prevent this from happening. This forum is a wealth of practical and real-life information. Make sure to read under the topic Caregiver Burnout. I wish you much clarity and wisdom -- bless you for being there for him!