Taking over the finances. How do I prepare for this discussion?

Under very different circumstances I took over my very independent minded dad’s finances while he was hospitalized. I changed all bills to come to me online, rerouted his mail to my house, and took over taking care of his accounts. This was done with the blessing of my siblings who, like me, knew it needed to happen. I prepared a 3 ring binder with simple spreadsheet like info, listing all his bills, dates I’d paid them, and how they were paid. Then I waited for the upset, very surprisingly when I showed dad the binder he accepted the changes, even started bragging to others that I was taking care of everything. Not the reaction I was expecting at all, but him being able to see it all, spelled out, made him accept it. I would still have done it even if he didn’t. I hope you’ll make peace with knowing you’re looking out for your mother’s best interests, keep good records, sell her car and don’t allow access to enough money to buy another, don’t argue with mom over any of it, and know she’s blessed to have you in her corner

I believe you are saying you are the successor trustee, to serve as Trustee when your mother is incapacitated. If you feel well and able to make these decisions that is fine; if not do get the advice of a good Licensed Fiduciary to help you; the Trust pays for this. I did this work for my brother. I made certain he had his own account, spending account, in the amount of 5,000.00. I wish you good luck. Keep meticulous records as you go along. This is a BIG job at BEST, even when things are very well understood and you are very capable and the things were well organized. You can consider the help of a Trust and Estate Lawyer as well. If this is a sizable estate the amount you pay is WELL WORTH IT.

I have a feeling that once the day comes your mom figures out you're taking care of things, it'll be a load of her shoulders.

My mom had dementia and my dad was diagnosed with cancer with a short time to live, so they resigned from their trust, putting me -- the successor trustee -- in charge of all the finances. You could just see the weight lifted from my dad. He was cognitively fine, but caring for my mom and managing their household as well as the finances had become a real burden for him. Neither he nor I realized it until I was living with them while he was sick. He'd really only been able to accomplish one major task a day, whether it was going to the grocery store, paying the few bills, or doing the laundry. Just like your mom with the hours spent paying the bills, everything just slows down to a glacial pace as we age.

You're very fortunate to be taking over before Mom is gone -- it makes the transition much smoother, and not something you have to take on when you're dealing with a death, too. However, I wonder what's in the trust now if not the money? Definitely consult the advisor, because there are things a trustee can and can't do, and I'm not sure whether you can legally move the money into the trust because you don't control money outside the trust in your role as Trustee. Now, if you have financial power of attorney for your mom, you might be able to, so check with the lawyers and financial folks before doing anything.

Don't worry about moving stocks, etc. into the trust regarding tax changes. You will inherit a stepped-up cost basis when Mom passes away (same for her house if you haven't sold it by then), and the taxes will be virtually nothing. Know that IRAs cannot be put into a trust, too. If Mom has a traditional IRA, you might consider moving money from it into a Roth IRA. When you inherit it, you'll only have 10 years to deplete the IRAs, and you want that money to grow tax-free as much as possible. There's talk that Roths are going to be eliminated soon, so setting one up before that happens is a good way to save on taxes.

The best thing to do is put all the financial stuff in the same place, such as Schwab, Fidelity, or some other investment institution. It just makes it much easier to manage when you know where it all is.

I've been handling my mom's finances for the past three years since my dad died, and Mom passed away three months ago. Now I'm in the process of disbursing all the assets of the trust and I still have to sell the house, but it's been very smooth all in all. I'm grateful my folks resigned from the trust and let me take over when I was still able to ask my dad questions and have him around to introduce me to his banker and Schwab reps. It's been good to have a team behind me to help with the complicated stuff (TAXES!).

If your mom's memory is also in decline, she may not even remember after you break the news to her. However, the downside of this is that you have to keep telling her when she forgets, then asks.

If you have proof of her struggles (like my MIL had $900+ in overdrafts of her checking acct) she may acquiesce if you point this out. Show her how easy it is to keep tabs on your account when you have online access and how simple it is to sign up for Bill Pay. Tell her she'll still get monthly bank statements and you'll give an accounting any time she asks.

But it all may be for naught if she has Anosognosia, a cognitive condition that can occur in people with dementia, which causes them to lose self-awareness and thus not be able to "see" their illness no matter how much "proof" of it is pointed out.

Source: https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Anosognosia

Circle - please look at what are the funds / income to support the Trust. And if the income sources are themselves titled or owned by the Trust. and what would cause the Trust to defund.

What seems to happen is that it’s the elders Social Security & retirement $ that is the main accessible income and the home is titled in the Trusts name, so all the homes costs (taxes, insurance, maintenance etc) are paid from the Trust. The other assets - like stocks - are too titled owned the Trust but they’re not immediately liquid.

So if something major were to happen, like a fire, there isn’t the immediate cash at hand. Things run smoothly now as there’s nothing challenging the Trusts $. But if you’re dealing with elderly or infirm, imo you need to have $ quickly available….. perhaps 2 years of property costs, 6-8 months of regular daily living costs and 6 mos of private pay for a NH as cash in the Trust. If the main income is SS / retirement once they die, that stops cold. There better be $ to pay the now increased property taxes or home will go up for tax sale.
I’ve done tax sales and it’s sadly amazing just how many of the homes on the list are homes with elderly owners but titled in the Trust and the Trust has totally defunded so taxes aren’t paid and they get tax sale lein / redemption placed. There’s a whole cottage industry of folks who specifically look for just this type of tax sale property.

Who told you to move "most of the money into the trust"?    Was it the attorney?  
This is something you need to handle with care; if your mother has stocks, raise the issue with the attorney and ask if he can recommend a trust accountant.   Bank accounts are a piece of cake compared the stock distributions and cap gains.

Many people with dementia don't realize that they have dementia. They think they are fine. Your mom sounds like one of these people. Another symptom of dementia is making bad decisions about money. Try to get all of the necessary legal documents in place while your mother can still sign legal documents, if it's not too late. It's best to have power of attorney (POA) set up for financial and medical decisions, she needs a will if she has assets, and a living will with her medical directives. Banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions often have their own POA forms. You need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. This can be done with a phone call with you and her speaking to them together. The discussion about this is that we don't know when we may become incapacitated, and it's best to have the paperwork in place in case that happens. Ask your mother for a credit card on her account with your name on it. You can probably do this with a phone call to the cc company, with her sitting by you. You need this to purchase things for her. If you get POA, you can set up her accounts online to be paid automatically from her bank account or credit card and can even go paperless so that she won't get bills or statements. If you eventually need to hire aides to care for her in her home, lock up her valuables and financial papers. At that point it's better for no paper statements to be going to her address. If you can set the limit on her credit card to a low limit, it will limit the amount she can spend. When I saw that my mother was filling out checks incorrectly and missing due dates, I was able to suggest that I take over her finances. Good luck!

Hi- Sounds like you're doing a good job.
Your mom has anosognosia, not uncommon in dementia--she's not going to be able to grasp the changes that have occurred.
This helped me understand that the losses are much more than just memory and that I needed to take more control:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
People with dementia rely on routine and the familiar for prompts to get through their day, and can handle doing one or two step tasks. They have lost the ability to put the steps of a task in order. That's why it takes so long for the check writing. [find the checkbook, find a pen, have the bill ready, know how to fill in the check, transpose the bill amount to the check, fill in the check register, have an envelope, have a stamp, address envelope, take to mailbox.]
As suggested here, remove the triggers for tasks --go paperless billing and YOU control the accounts, use your phone number/email for access. Stop the junk mail, filter her emails-my mom only gets emails from her contact list to which I added a few trusted companies she used to shop at, everything else goes to the junk mail for deletion after a day. If you can migrate to, or are already have online charting with her doctor, that will be helpful-those programs allow you to upload your trustee documents in the portal, which is handy. They also have advanced care (living will) documents available, and it makes it easier to ask questions, set up appointments.
Evaluate if your mom is still [capable of] taking her meds--at some point you may have to start supplying prompts, and after that you will need to manage a way to ensure she takes them-maybe a morning visit from an aide who can also make her lunch or do light cleaning. It's is easier to establish new routines earlier than later in the disease, as well as initiating moves to assisted living.
Consider if you want to set up online accounts with the IRS-- and SS may have that now too. This forum is excellent and I also encourage you to check out the threads on the Alzheimer's website listed below--between the two there's not much people haven't seen!
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx
With my mom, even though she has anosognosia she acknowledges that her memory is poor. I told her I wanted to take her finances off her plate as something I wanted to do for her, and she's accepted it. She had already done some planning and had a trust feeding a 'living expenses bank account', so it was easy to tell her we were following her 'plans'. Once reassured & once the triggering paperwork/mail was intercepted she mostly forgot about finances..I think it just depends on where your mom is with her dementia. Underneath the pushback of losing some independence I got the feeling that my mom was relieved. It takes a lot of brain power to keep it all together during the day, and with the dementia each day is a challenge, where the person with the disease is set up to fail--you're doing the right thing by creating more support for her, even if she thinks she doesn't need it.

She has dementia..she can not understand…just do what needs to be done..I am my moms POA..I handle all the cash/holdings for her..she never wanted her stock sold {our inheritance}..now after the cash is gone I will still have to to pay for her assisted facility..I just let her chatter about her stock holdings. I avoid saying much. She soon forgets about money and the topic changes. I also would stop your mom from being able to buy a car..she could kill someone driving. It is our responsibility to keep them safe. Tough job but necessary..Good Luck.

As far as $ is concerned, I started writing out the payments and handed them off to him to sign. At the beginning he would make sure I had them correct and after a while he just signed them and then forgot he had bills .. He still refuses to acknowledge there is anything wrong with him . It is
called Anosagnosia. In his reality, there IS nothing wrong with him .. It a horrid disease and progresses at different speed with different people .