Moving mom (96) from assisted living to caregiver home due to rapid decline. Any suggestions on how to tell her this is a good thing?

You might be surprised at her relief. Sometimes older folks don't really absorb how difficult every day tasks have become until help comes along and lifts the load.

It's like wearing a pair of shoes that don't fit every day, then suddenly someone gives you a comfortable pair of slippers to wear. It's kind of nice to take the load off.

VSED

my mom is 93. Have been thru assisted living and now she has to have 24/7 care. Wheelchair bound, has suffered two slight strokes. R/arthritis . Uti. Her mental condition is absolutely amazing through all this.
my two most important pieces of advice, first is always be honest. I never hide anything. It will come back to haunt you. They are tougher than you think. They must have absolute trust in you and know the decisions are for the best. I hide nothing. My mom trusts me to do the right thing.
I research all things and she knows it and trusts me. Earn that trust.
second thing is be there! No matter what. Be there! Listen to your loved one. When you don’t want to deal with it, too bad be there. Even on the phone. I spend an hour or two on the phone.when I can’t be there
does us both good.
good luck to you all. It’s not easy but raising me was not easy either.
you get what you give!

Let's not forget, your Mom may have made girl friends with the other residents. Having friends is so very important when living in senior living.

Do you know if the Caregiver and your Mom would be two peas in a pod, or total opposites when it comes to things in common. Nothing worse then living with someone you cannot talk to.

Try asking her what she feels she needs and have a discussion from there - better to move whilst still able to make friends etc. If she thinks she needs more assistance then you are worrying over planning a conversation which may never go the way you think it might and you have been stressed for nothing. For your sake ask her first and then keep talking or move on and plan your conversation knowing her answer. Good luck x

shpnnanner: Imho, as your mother suffers from dementia per your profile, perhaps she requires a greater level of care than a "care home," e.g. memory care. Irregardless, since she does have dementia, you needn't elaborate to her.

shpnnanner, your profile says your Mom has dementia. It really would be better to keep her at the senior facility if they have a Memory Care section.

I did that with my Dad, when he needed to have more care. Dad saw the same Staff faces that he was use to seeing when in Independent Living. The chef was the same and how Dad loved the meals. Yes, the room was smaller in Memory Care but Dad didn't mind as he was able to get all his bookcases and books into the room.

Dad wasn't a social butterfly, but he did like being around people of his own age group. Oh how he enjoyed the days the facility had music playing from his era, he would go to that.

Dad was a fall risk when he lived at his house, and that didn't change when he moved into senior living. Seniors can fall in a blink of an eye no matter where they are, even in a doctor's waiting room.

Now, at the caregiver's home, will there be 3 shifts of caregivers? One person cannot be on duty 168 hours per week. She will burn out very quickly. Then you will be back at square one, and then finding there is a waiting list to get into senior living. Then what?

Tell her that you love her and want her to be around longer. This move will help her to be safe and allow you more time together.

Have you contacted hospice? Ask them to do an assessment and use the support they offer. Three falls in a month should qualify her for the program. I do not think the move is a bad idea, she needs more caregiving. You are considering a private licensed home, not moving her in with you, correct. Another option might be to hire additional caregivers to go to the AL facility. Depending on how bad her dementia is, she might not even know. Good luck doing the best you can for her. None of this is easy.

If your mother is 96 and in a ‘rapid decline’, perhaps she is already falling apart? A quicker end of life can be a blessing for all concerned, and is not something to be feared. The 3 years my dear MIL had after 96 were not a blessing, and not what she wanted. Do the best you can to make her happy, but you are not responsible for death.

Tell her about how much better the care will be - I assume you are talking about a private caregiver home where there are only a few people living. More one on one care. If she happened to fall again, they would know immediately instead of her laying in the floor until someone showed up. 3 falls in a month is a lot. Put the spin on it as living in a smaller place where others hear you fall, hear you call if you need help, and more social interaction.

My grandmother passed away at 96, six months after a move from semi-assisted living to a nursing home. She didn’t want to move and her slight dementia worsened afterwards. She had had macular degeneration since her late 70’s/early 80’s. That said considering her age and quality of life at the point she moved, I guess it was a blessing.

At her age, she will decline anyway. My grandfather died at 96. He was very despondent over the fact that he had always been so active and now his body was giving out. My mom moved him to a very nice assisted living facility. A big move at that age is so hard on an elderly person. He decided he did not want to live any longer and stopped eating. His decision, and he died 10 days later.

I don't see how it's possible to prevent her from falling apart after a big move. Is the assisted living facility asking her to be moved? If not, she might be better off where she is, because it's familiar.

Most Nursing Homes are not what they seem.
They are all Understaffed and when you need help, it can take a good 45 min fir someone to show up. Try holding your urine or poop that long once you feel the urge to go.
You end up trying to get up and go by yourself and fall.
There is Abuse in homes both physical and mental.
Pray your l8ved one can still eat by themselves because they'll slowly starve.
Most are over drugged by telling you they want to give the meds because your loved one is anxious or depressed, ect.
They end up more like a zombie.
It also causes them to fall more.
In reality they want to give the meds to keep you quiet and our of it, to make their job easier.
When you go to tour the place they make it seem great, what you see is lovely and they say all the right things.
Don't be taken in, Most Nursing Homes are awful.
It would be much better if she could live with a lived one and have a Live In or Caregiver help.

Is there any way she can stay in Assisted Care and hire someone to pip in an hr or two in the mornings and afternoons?

You could also install Cameras where you can check on her with your Cell Phone or Laptop anytime 24 7.
Prayers

I don't consider this move a good thing. There are several factors to consider. It's impossible to prevent falls or other mishaps unless the person is kept bed-bound 24/7 - A one-on-one situation may sound ideal, but it's not an equal relationship. She needs companionship and activities for her mental wellbeing. - I strongly recommend memory care for her.

With dementia much of what you say is happening will happen.
Falls WILL happen no matter where she is.
If the AL has Memory Care that is or would be the next logical move.
Moving her to a caregivers home will NOT improve her. It will confuse her and due to the move, any move she may decline a bit more.
If you do move her to a caregivers home please make sure that it is a safe move for both her and the caregiver.
Wide halls
Wide doorways
A bathroom with a roll in shower. And the bathroom needs to be large enough to accomodate equipment like a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer Lift.
No stairs that she will have to use.
Preferably no carpet or throw rugs.

And before any move...check with her doctor, make sure medically everything is ok, She may have a UTI, she may have had one or more mini strokes. These both could be the cause of the problems you mention.

Has she been checked by her doctor for treatable problem, like a UTI or inner ear infection which might affect her balance? I'm so sorry your family is going through this distressing turn of events!

In your profile, you said your mom has dementia. How bad is her dementia now? How much can your mom understand and retain?