Father in law with dementia is in a memory care facility and keeps asking for large sums of money. He refuses to say what it’s for. Advice?

My Mom asked for $20 to give to someone. I told her no. Her aides get paid for caring for her and the other residents have money of their own. There was no reason for her to have any money. Her needs were taken care of. Her Dementia was so bad that they did not take her shopping. I requested they didn't because she was a fall risk.

No reason Dad needs $1200 in a MC unit. No where to spend it.

Have you figured out how ur going to pay when the money runs out. If you expect Medicaid to and you only have 3 mouths of money for FILs care better apply soon.

Tell your husband that his guilt could cost his dad a Medicaid coverage penalty when he runs out of money. Then he is going to be paying until that penalty is over.

Does he really want to pay or worse, have dad move in so he can take care of him until Medicaid kicks in?

Your husband should be encouraged to watch Teepa Snow videos on utube to learn what dementia is and how to deal with a parent that has dementia. The dynamics are completely reversed now and your husband is the authority not his dad. Very difficult situation to be in and he needs support to be able to say no to his dad.

Best of luck, this is so difficult.

When in doubt when dealing with dementia patients, blame the other guy.

" It's against the rules for you to have any cash money here, dad. Not my rule. Nothing I can do about it".

And so forth. Don't feel guilty. You are protecting him from scams and the like. If he gets argumentative, you get up and leave saying nicely "I'll come back when you're feeling better, Dad".

You and your husband should NEVER have to submit to harsh words or verbal abuse, even if that has been the norm. It's unacceptable behavior.

As POA it is your husbands legal duty NOT to give him large sums of money.
Your FIL has dementia, that means he can not make rational decisions for his health and financal wellbeing.
Bring him play money that you can get from the dollar store.
If he needs a bit of cash bring him a few singles. (5 - 10)
Bringing him money may encourage or lead to theft. No doubt the money will get lost if nothing else.

Is FIL able, or allowed to leave the facility?   Does he have access to any source by which he could (a) wire the funds (b) mail the funds or (c) have someone deliver the funds?

If he's not able to do this, and can't be charged with passing false money, and if he is able to tell the difference, I'd give him Monopoly money.   But I'd want to be very, very sure he isn't able to use it for any function that could get him in trouble for passing false money.

Obviously your father-in-law has dementia which is why he's in memory care to begin with. Just tell your DH to drop the guilt and deal with the situation accordingly by telling his father that the facility does not allow the residents to carry money on their person at ALL, period. End of subject. Repeat as necessary. "His money", by the way, is being used in its entirety for the cost of his care at said facility, and there is not a penny to spare, should he choose to push the matter further.

That said, is the memory care Medicaid approved so that your FIL can stay there once his funds run out in 3 month's time?? Hopefully so, and hopefully your DH has the application process pending now. If not, contact an Elder Care attorney to get that ball rolling immediately!

Good luck!

If there is some dementia involved here, you are a fiduciary (your husband is) and are responsible to protect his mother. You cannot give the money to him in large amounts without knowing what the money is used for, as you need to PROTECT his money for his care ongoing. It is time to sit down with FIL and be honest about where things are at. Now, if he is mentally fine, without any diagnosis, then unhappily his money is his to spend as he pleases. When he is on Medicaid there will be none to spend. Be honest with him if he is capable of understanding. If he is not, manage things as you know they need to be managed for his own good.