Anyone else get frustrated by that "tone" in requests?

When he says fine, I'll never ask again, tell him that is the problem, he doesn't ask, he orders.

I would tell him to knock it off and grow up when he said that to me. Be mad all you want daddiO but, you will treat me with courtesy at a minimum or you can figure out some other way.

People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Teach him that asking nicely will get far better results than ordering you around.

My dad was very similar and it made him mad to have to ask civilly. Oh well, play nice or I don't play, I am an adult and I am no longer subject to my dads rule. It took him having to take a taxi to finally get the point but, he did get it.

I think it's doubtful whether your father will change his life long demeanor even if he tried to. All of us unconsciously have a chip on our shoulder about certain family dynamics that can cause us to overreact, that's why family gatherings are infamous for dredging up decades old spats and rivalries. I think rather than lecture or go to war over this I would toss out a phrase like "what's the magic word?" when he asks for something, even if he thanks you grudgingly or makes a fuss it gets the point across.

I recently heard this is a common comment about elderly men. Maybe if you smile, look him straight in the face and say, "I will only if you ask nice. Didn't your mother teach you manners ? "

OMG that sounds just like my mother last night I walked into her house arms full of shopping I take the shopping into the kitchen and she shouts what are you doing I said what are you doing at the top of her voice she does not say thank you anymore only time she calls is when she needs something you answer the phone and she says I need you to get me this and that never how are you, when on the phone to her you say goodbye and she just hangs up I struggle with people who have bad manners and sometimes I want to slap her for being so rude it drives me mad it’s as if someone has taken over her body so I know how you feel and like you when I pull her up she just says well don’t do anything for me then just forget it arghhhh think they turn out all the same unfortunately

I had similar problems with my husband after he came home from each deployment. He was in "officer mode" for so long, he didn't realize he used that with us at home.

I used to tell him, "You have been with soldiers all day for this deployment and are used to 'ordering' for everything. I have been at home handling everything and I am not used to 'discussing' family decisions with you. You need to remember we are not your soldiers. I need to remember that we share decision-making. Let's try this conversation again."

It usually took a couple of weeks for us to get back into our usual "family mode."

In your case, your dad is probably anxious about "the issue" and he goes into authority mode trying to control the situation. He might respond to trying to alter the conversation to diffuse his anxiety. You might want to soften the start of the visit with one of these:
"Hello to you too Dad. Let me tell you about the latest ______."
"It's so good to see you. The family and I are doing well. I really like ________ (anything pleasant about him). "
"Share something good that happened since I saw you last. Then, we'll talk about solving problems."

If diversion doesn't work, you might suggest that he keep a list of things he "needs done" to give you at the end of each visit. He might also need a mild anti-anxiety medication if this is becoming his usual way of interacting with everybody.

1. You have told him how you feel and how his "requests" feel like demands and he has not changed his manner of asking for what he needs/wants. With dementia it is highly unlikely that you will get him to change. There is one person in this scenario that can change......
2. I am a pretty firm believer that someone with dementia should be in Memory Care not AL. With the dementia you can explain to him that his requests feel more like demands and he will revert back to the way he has always been.

YOU are going to have to be the one that is going to have to accept that this is the way your dad is and you let it go.
Don't replace items he breaks. You know he will break things. Is mind can not remember how to make things work or to be gentle with things.
If he can make a list of things he needs/wants do shopping for him when you can not when he wants. Take the list with you and pick up items when YOU get a chance.

My MIL does that to me. No "hello", but as soon as I walk in it's "I need you to do my laundry," etc. The thing with her is that's how she's always been. Demands to my FIL were never request, just barked. Now it's on me, I guess. Downside: I don't want to go and visit her anymore.

About 2 decades before my step dad was diagnosed with dementia he was just a major jerk. But he claimed to be a Christian and lorded his religion over us, he was not a nice person, abuse his kids, terrorized our cat. He moved into our house.

I cooked dinner at least 5 nights a week. Each night he would insist on saying Grace before the meal. Now we are a family who does not say Grace, but are always willing to accommodate those who do at our table. But each night during his Grace, he never thanked the cook. Not once.

I had had enough. I was placing the plates on the table and he was getting ready to say Grace. I told him in no uncertain terms that unless he thanked the cook, he was not welcome to say Grace at the table. And if he did not thank the cook, he was not welcome to eat the food I had prepared. He knew I meant it.

You do not know if your Dad has dementia, but you suspect it. It is Ok for you to set a boundary in place. Boundaries are for you to hold firm.

"Dad if you do not say hello and ask how I am, I will leave." Then leave.

If he has a hissy fit ""fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again."" just walk away.

It's not petty. We tend to get the same from my mother who seems to have a narcissistic personality and has always relied on others to do things for her. I had a breast cancer check recently and she didn't even ask how it had gone, though to be fair her memory is not good now. When we visit she rarely asks anything about us but launches straight into what she wants us to do, even though she lives in an AL facility. And we seldom get any thanks; just complaints when things go wrong. It is indeed very emotionally draining. I have had counselling to help overcome my ingrained reactions to Mum's behaviour and it helps, but doesn't solve everything.

I am ridiculously sensitive to any perceived sharp or critical tone, and it has caused me lots of unnecessary stress. I hope you cope better!

Frustrating? It's insulting. It's offensive. It is even, when you peer closely at it, verbally abusive, a form of bullying. A certain brusqueness may be acceptable in some contexts in the workplace when speed, clarity and directness are more important than sweet manners; but you are not an employee, you are a family member in the home environment.

How to correct this? I should start by treating yourself as you would like your father to treat you. Literally. When he says "I need you to ..." - reeling off orders, like you're taking dictation for heaven's sake - look him in the eye and rephrase what he has just said as you would prefer to hear it. E.g. "Dear daughter, I find I have run short of [aftershave, socks, whatever]. Would you have time to get some for me, please? I usually buy X brand from Target."

Rather than take offence, which tends to raise the temperature of any exchange, treat it with (very) gentle mockery. Even if he doesn't get the message at least you'll have acknowledged to yourself that you have a right to be spoken to with courtesy.

PS How on earth did he manage to break a one-cup? Has he seated the reservoir properly back on its base?