Does it make me a bad daughter if I do not have the stomach to change mom's dirty diapers?
I have always had a very sensitive stomach, I can’t deal with certain smells, even with my own children and grandchildren. I start throwing up. I really don’t think I can deal with changing her soiled diapers. How do I deal with this?
You can use Vicks vapor rub (or some other skin creme) and good ventilation to cover the smell. I found after doing this for a while, the smell didn't bother me as much. Many caregivers use latex gloves.
The first time Mom needed me to clean her was when she suffered a fall that resulted in her knee replacement being broken away from the bone. I was so concentrated on getting her clean without causing additional pain I don't remember being bothered with much else. I found the assurance disposable washcloths (like really large baby wipes) with aloe and vitamin e and a plastic grocery bag to place everything in very helpful. When you're done, you can tie the plastic bag closed and put it into a trash bag you keep tied closed between deposits and throw it out daily. A little pine sol in the bag heps with the smell there.
I did view it as the same as changing diapers on a child. Little kids can have very messy and very smelly "messes". I don't think anyone finds this task easy, but necessity rules. My mother (and my sister dying of lung cancer before) needed it done, and so I thought of their discomfort and how I didn't want them lying in their own filth and got it done. I found caring for my sister much harder than for my mother. My mother's body was still largely in tact when I cared for her, my sister's body was wasted from the cancer treatments and the disease itself, My sister was also my first experience in providing this level of care.
I do not think you are a bad daughter. When my mother had her hip and knee replacements, one of my brothers didn't visit her very often. He told me he couldn't stand to see her in pain. He would call her and send anything she needed, but he couldn't cope well with seeing her in pain and so limited in independent movement. Years later, my brother would cope better with the abusive language of our father's vascular dementia than I would. We all have different limits. I will suggest that we can often cope with more than we believe we can. When we _know_ we have to do it or allow our loved ones to suffer, we can find the strength to get through. It is hard and harder on some of us than others. Because you are struggling doesn't mean you are "bad" or less loving. If you cannot handle the hands-on care, arranging for someone else to provide the care is a very acceptable alternative.
It's more of a matter of finances, really. My Mom's bedbound & double incontinent. I take care of it all. If she or I could afford to hire anyone or could afford a placement - then yes, I'd never change another adult diaper or wipe another rear end. I think most people do these activities because there's no other option for them at the time. It doesn't make me a better daughter because I do this for her, just a daughter who doesn't have the finances to seek other options. Changing adult diapers has nothing to do with your worth as a good person or a good daughter. It's just a task that needs to be done by someone.
Why isn't your mom on Medicaid then if she doesn't have money? You can put her in a nursing home where she would be on a regular schedule of diaper changes.
If you have to change her wear a mask and a face shield. This will help. If you can't do it that's okay. No judgments here and it does not make you a bad daughter. The alternatives are put her in a nursing home or have homecare coming to the house. I have been in homecare for almost 25 years. I have gotten to a point now where I just cannot wipe another a$$ or change another adult diaper. It happens and not being able to do it does not make a persona a bad anything.
I have been a diaper changer of little children for most of my career. No problem! But I won't change an adult diaper or messed body. Knowing your personal limits is necessary to be sane!
Thank you AMG2156 for posting your question & thank you to those of you who responded in such an understanding manner. It really helps when people understand and don't judge us. I am dealing with the same issue with my husband who is fecal incontinent and I find it to be the most disgusting thing to have to deal with. It's been going on for several years now and I've finally hired help to come in and help with him in the mornings and early afternoons so I don't have to deal with the messes. Unfortunately, he still sometimes ends up going after they've left for the day. I just can't handle it anymore and have decided it's time for assisted living facility regardless of the financial burden, but he's refusing to go. He is only 64 and has Parkinson's and I see this as a long road ahead since his mother lived to 87 and has dad is 91 and going strong. I'm feeling so trapped dealing with this.
My dad had emergency bowel surgery the same week that we shut down for the 15 days to slow the spread of Covid. I was going to move to online teaching for my school but I became my dad’s colostomy bag care giver. I was not a nurse but because of Covid he was discharged to my mother and I for care. I had to go on YouTube to find out how to change his bag and I remember how I felt with my dad having his daughter change his colostomy bag and the complete frustration I felt that I was not trained to do this properly and yet here I was…Luckily, a wonderful at home care nurse helped us out and we managed to make it through 3 months of bag changing. Sometimes, we don’t get to chose what we have to do in life but it built a stronger resilience in me that I never thought I had. I also found that YouTube can show you how to do almost anything.
Deal with it by not doing it. If someone can't toilet themselves they either need to be able to pay for outside help (from her money, not yours) or go into a facility.
It is not just a matter of smells. Using Vaseline under my nose would not help me at all. Just looking at it, I start gagging and throw up. Adult diaper change CANNOT be compared to baby diaper change. It’s Very different! Thank you all for your advise.
I totally relate to you. You are not a bad daughter and I am not a bad wife. We cannot change how we are designed. We can try to accommodate it, but we sure can't change it. It is nowhere near the same as a baby diaper. I could handle my own kids' diapers but not others, not even the grandkids' diapers. And there is no shame in that! (I've been told to repent -- sorry but this is not a sin issue either.)
I already know I will not be changing my mom's pants. She is still driving and doesn't need care yet. But, incontinence messes are happening more often - she hasn't switched to full coverage disposables! She still can clean up when accidents happen. But if and when she can't clean up, she'll have to move to a place where she gets that help. I simply know myself and that isn't what I'm promising to do for her. And part time Home help can't come running just because she is!
Try getting a bidet attachment for the toilet. Every time she uses the toilet, you can make sure to activate the bidet. You will have to "check" after she defecates to make sure she is clean. If need be activate the bidet a couple of times.
A little humor: My 90 yo dad is still caring for himself at home. He falls occasionally and moves slow and takes a zillion meds but still keeps it all straight. I am helpful and visit and talk to him daily. For some reason he feels it necessary to tell me about his bowel movements and urination and toileting issues! I don't need to know. Thanks, Dad! LOL I've taught him what TMI means, that's for sure!
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The first time Mom needed me to clean her was when she suffered a fall that resulted in her knee replacement being broken away from the bone. I was so concentrated on getting her clean without causing additional pain I don't remember being bothered with much else. I found the assurance disposable washcloths (like really large baby wipes) with aloe and vitamin e and a plastic grocery bag to place everything in very helpful. When you're done, you can tie the plastic bag closed and put it into a trash bag you keep tied closed between deposits and throw it out daily. A little pine sol in the bag heps with the smell there.
I did view it as the same as changing diapers on a child. Little kids can have very messy and very smelly "messes". I don't think anyone finds this task easy, but necessity rules. My mother (and my sister dying of lung cancer before) needed it done, and so I thought of their discomfort and how I didn't want them lying in their own filth and got it done. I found caring for my sister much harder than for my mother. My mother's body was still largely in tact when I cared for her, my sister's body was wasted from the cancer treatments and the disease itself, My sister was also my first experience in providing this level of care.
I do not think you are a bad daughter. When my mother had her hip and knee replacements, one of my brothers didn't visit her very often. He told me he couldn't stand to see her in pain. He would call her and send anything she needed, but he couldn't cope well with seeing her in pain and so limited in independent movement. Years later, my brother would cope better with the abusive language of our father's vascular dementia than I would. We all have different limits. I will suggest that we can often cope with more than we believe we can. When we _know_ we have to do it or allow our loved ones to suffer, we can find the strength to get through. It is hard and harder on some of us than others. Because you are struggling doesn't mean you are "bad" or less loving. If you cannot handle the hands-on care, arranging for someone else to provide the care is a very acceptable alternative.
I think most people do these activities because there's no other option for them at the time. It doesn't make me a better daughter because I do this for her, just a daughter who doesn't have the finances to seek other options.
Changing adult diapers has nothing to do with your worth as a good person or a good daughter. It's just a task that needs to be done by someone.
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I have been in homecare for almost 25 years. I have gotten to a point now where I just cannot wipe another a$$ or change another adult diaper. It happens and not being able to do it does not make a persona a bad anything.
Knowing your personal limits is necessary to be sane!
Deal with it by not doing it. If someone can't toilet themselves they either need to be able to pay for outside help (from her money, not yours) or go into a facility.
She is still driving and doesn't need care yet. But, incontinence messes are happening more often - she hasn't switched to full coverage disposables! She still can clean up when accidents happen. But if and when she can't clean up, she'll have to move to a place where she gets that help. I simply know myself and that isn't what I'm promising to do for her. And part time Home help can't come running just because she is!
For some reason he feels it necessary to tell me about his bowel movements and urination and toileting issues! I don't need to know. Thanks, Dad! LOL
I've taught him what TMI means, that's for sure!
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