Why am I so angry with my grandmother?

Are you concerned that if you transition her into a facility that you will lose your place to live? This is a common dilemma. Please understand that she may be better off in a facility with other people. She waits for her son to call because there aren't enough distractions, like activities, events, visitors, like there may be in a care community. If she can't afford it, you can apply for Medicaid for her. Her behaviors and health will only decline and her care needs intensify. What's your plan for that? There are options, but you need to come to peace with one. It will be harder and then eventually better for you. Blessings to you for caring about her so much.

Sounds like you're suffering from FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

If you're "drowning in debt" she needs an alternate living situation ASAP or you'll destroy your own future and be completely screwed when she passes.

Put her in a Nursing Home or Memory Care.

You’re angry cuz you’re tired and fearful of the future. My heart goes out to you-it’s hard to take on so much responsibility knowing there will be more decline.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job but are on overload. I think you should create a dialogue with her son informing him how she’s really doing, how you need more help with her, and how much she misses him. He needs to know. Perhaps he can help financially (as he should) with contributing towards more local help. If funds aren’t available from Gram or her son, apply to Medicaid for in home care. You need a break.
Please stay on this site as a source of information and support. God bless you!

So sorry…I get the pain. When I found myself frustrated and angry I sought mental counseling..THE most valuable thing I learned was I am NOT responsible to keep my mom happy..I am responsible to keep her fed, a roof over head and her safety..Now when she is grumpy, depressed over her lot in life {Lewy Body Dementia}..I hear my counselors words! It made all the difference in the world to learn…..moms happiness is not my job. Quite honestly mom was never happy, always depressed and a complainer. So at 88 she remains a unhappy gal. I do what is within reason…My brother does a couple of hours a week visiting..he feels ok with that. Maybe gramma needs an assisted living situation where you can visit and have enough energy left to work and relax.

Jules7,

Let me start off by saying you're a wonderful person and your grandmother is lucky to have you. Never say never though. Sometimes there's no choice but to put a person in a care facility.
You say that she has a son who is critical and cruel to her, yet she's able to keep her behavior in check with him. So she isn't as far gone with dementia as maybe you think.
I've been a caregiver to more elders with dementia then I can count. One thing that I learned over the years, is that many elders with dementia will abuse their caregivers, but are able to keep it in check around other people. This is when boundaries must be established and reinforced with the elder. No one has to tolerate abuse.
When she is being stubborn, argumentative, and mean you get up close, look her straight in the eye and tell her loudly and firmly that she will not treat you in such a way. They walk away and completely ignore her. You must set boundaries and learn to ignore with love if you're planning on keeping her with you at home.

Anger is just another word for another emotion. I believe that yours may be frustration, loss, and betrayal from her son. I take care of my mother, whom has become someone different. It is hard to see the person you love turn into a stranger. It breaks my heart because I see her sitting there, and yet I am already mourning the mother that I have lost. I have learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube. She has given me tools to use to communicate, and to understand what the person you are taking care of is also going through. Breath! You are doing a remarkable job, and you are a wonderful granddaughter! Check out her videos. I have found them comforting and educational. Remember that you are not alone, and we are here for you. God bless.

Along side the feelings of grief and loss with your grandmother's slow passing, there is also a fear of your future.

God bless you, Jules7 for caring for your grandmother with such love and sacrifice. You will read a lot on this forum about how important it is to take care of yourself. It's not easy to do that when so much of your time, energy, and emotion is focused on caregiving. Others have suggested looking for a long term care facility for your grandmother. If that bothers you, think of it as an act of self-care. It's not just to help your grandmother (which it would likely do), it's a way to help yourself, and that is by no means selfish. How can you continue to help your grandmother if you burnout? And when you do completely burnout, you may not have the emotional and mental strength to make good decisions for your grandmother and yourself.

You mentioned that your grandmother goes to a senior center a couple of times a week. Most senior centers have staff on hand to discuss exactly what you're dealing with. They may even be able to help you find a good facility and talk to you about managing finances (many help fill out Medicaid applications with you).

What ever you do, please know that you are not alone in your feelings of anger. Many of us caregivers cope with these difficult emotions. My counselor tells me to "put your anger and worry to work." In other words, use those emotions to help move you to actions that are productive. Please know that many here understand and support you.

I think her being argumentative, stubborn and mean might have something to do with it . And , I think you being human has something to do with it, too . No one understands what we are going through except those of us who are . Our loved , very much loved ones are no longer with us. The disease has changed them ..They live in a totally different reality . They have lost so much of who they were and we have lost them . We were not prepared for this and they were not either . Attending a CareTakers meeting has helped me immensely. My group is on line , twice a month . First thing I heard that really helped me was, their “brain is broken” . If I keep that foremost in mind , it helps .. Another thing I learned was that I would need help and would also have to take care of my self . In my situation it is a 24/7. We are retired. I do the best I can with what I have to work with . We do have a helper come in 3 hours a week . They walk and talk and it gives me some time that I don’t have to think about him . I also work his doctors appointments around the things I need to do to keep my sanity . I breakfast with the girls once a week . I attend my quilt meeting weekly and places I used to go ( dominoes) I now have them come to my house. He is in good enough shape that I can leave him to food shop and do errands . As for her son, there is nothing you can do . I suggest you call your local council on aging and talk to them . They will be able to head you in the right direction to find you information on meetings , in home care and legal issues. Remember , Her Brain is Broken and take care of your self .. She can’t help it !

MJ1929,

Could you list the nursing homes you visited that don't stink like urine and crap and are not depressing?
I've been in many nursing homes and have yet to find the one you're talking about. Where is it?
I'm sure there must be establishments like the ones you speak of but unfortunately most people aren't millionaires who can afford such lovely places.