I would like some advice on how to deal with my new life with FIL. Me and my husband been married for 2 years now expecting our first child in November.
Few months ago my husband decided to move from our small apartment and bought a house so he can bring my sick FIL to live with us so he can take care of him more easily.
My DH has 3 other siblings that are not marrid but none of them are willing to take care of their dad or even help a little. They come visit on Sundays like strangers and act all lovey-dovey with their dad....
So my DH been spending hours everyday driving to his dad's house to take care of him. I didn't want to see my husband suffer so I said yes to moving into a bigger place and bringing FIL to live with us.
It's been few months now and it's been so hard for me and my husband to deal with this whole new life with FIL (it's been especially hard for me).
FIL has Parkinson's and been very dependent on my husband but since moving in with us he became extremely needy and dependent to a point where my husband doesn't have time to do work (he works from home). He doesn't have time for me, and I'm assuming he won't have time for our baby.
Each night I wake up 3 times to him calling my husband to his room when it's 3 am. Each time I wake up to his yelling my husbands name I get anxious and start breathing heavy.
It's so frustrating to wake up few times a night and struggle to fall back asleep especially being 9 months pregnant now.
I have been patient because I don't want my husband to worry about me because he's already dealing with sooo much and I don't want to add to his problems. But all I know is I'm not happy. I don't care that I have a nicer. bigger house. I don't even feel like I have my privacy anymore since my father in law can been coming in any room opening doors when he gets confused and doesn't know where his room is. We even came home to him sleeping in our bed. We have no time or energy for intimacy anymore and I know it's gonna get only worse from here
We won't be getting a caregiver for him since they tried that before and it didn't last. We won't put him in a nursing home since we are a culture that takes care of their elderly.
This past week or so have been very stressful and I been having some anxiety issues which I know is not good for me or my baby.
The sad thing is my husband is trying his best and being patient with his dad but his dad doesn't seem to appreciate it or at least show some compromising.
FIL can be verbally abusive and been telling us that we only took him in because of his money even though he barely has anything. He has been very mean to me on few occasions too, and when my husband is not around I have to deal with his hallucination episodes that can become extremely difficult and hard to witness.
My life is miserable to say the least, I'm depressed, and have no interest in anything anymore. All I wanna do is run as far away as possible from where I'm supposed to feel home.
How can this get better for everyone?? If it can get better..
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Change your thinking right away or else your lives will continue to be destroyed by a man who cannot help what this disease is doing to his mind and his body. Ditch the 'cultural expectations' and face the reality that neither of you can or should be expected to care for this man when you're incapable of doing so. You're not qualified, medically, or prepared emotionally, nor should your child be subjected to such a life! Speak to your DH and decide what to do moving forward. The stigmas associated with nursing homes are unwarranted & frankly, ridiculous! You can be a daily visitor and go see him there where he's cared for by a team of qualified caregivers 24/7, think of it that way.
Best of luck
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Do you feel in danger during the hallucination episodes? Tell your husband if u do. IMO, your FIL needs more care than you can give him. He needs to be placed in a facility. You should not be expected to care for FIL and a baby too.
This will become totally unmanageable when the baby comes. Your husbands priority will HAVE to shift to you and the newborn.
And you must make it VERY clear that with a baby you will not have time or energy to care give for FIL .
Looking for Assisted Living for FIL is probably the best option. Caring for FIL is not going to get easier. It will become more difficult, time consuming and probably at the time your child is getting to a stage where he or she will need more attention (and adding the possibility of a second child...)
Yes, I have told my husband how I feel right from the beginning when I saw how difficult things are. He's at a point of a breakdown too but he tells me that he doesn't have an answer for me. He tells me he understands and knows how hard this is but there's nothing he can do as he doesn't want his dad in a nursing home. It would've been helpful if each of the siblings took him for a week or so but that's why we are here to start with, none of them wanted to do that.
As far as having a caregiver, first, we have to find someone that speaks the same language as my FIL, and also we can't afford to pay a caregiver out of pocket right now as it gets pretty expensive, especially that we are preparing for a newborn.
Then she got pregnant. And he got worse. And when the baby was born, the baby had colic and cried - a lot-and it irritated her FIL. And he made threats against the baby and escalated to banging on the bedroom door when the baby would cry for extended periods of time and scream and yell and at one point it got to the point where he almost took the door off the hinges with his violence. They had actually installed extra locks on the bedroom door and they didn't even put the baby in the nursery ever. The baby was NEVER out of her sight. She wore the baby everywhere unless her husband had her. She wouldn't even let her MIL hold her unless one of them was in the room with her and the baby was never in the room with FIL. Things didn't calm down, they got worse and worse and it turned out the baby had Reflux - which my own daughter had - and can last a while for a little one and causes them a lot of pain and they have to be in certain positions to sleep and they cry ALL of the time even on medication (at least mine did and that was the case here too.) And the crying just set her FIL off. He just couldn't take it. Their home life was hell. He escalated and escalated and there were literally marks on their bedroom door she said. So they finally had to pick between their baby's safety in their home or FIL staying there, and let's face it - if we are honest - it was also FIL's safety - because who knows what he was actually capable of or what he was actually thinking he was hearing when the baby was crying -no one was really safe by then including her FIL.
So they all agreed - including her MIL - that it was better for everyone that he move to a memory care facility. And it was hard, there was a lot of guilt. But it was the best decision. Because there wasn't a lot of distraction there for him. There was a routine. There was consistency. He had him own space. He didn't have to compete with the baby.
Because let's face it. Your baby isn't here yet. But when your baby gets here - you are NOT going to want to split your attention between your child and your FIL. And your priority is 100% going to be your child. And the instant your FIL behaves in anyway dangerously towards or near your baby - all bets are going to be off - I promise you.
Hard decisions lie ahead. That’s just a fact, whether or not you and your husband choose right now to admit it. His condition will only get worse, and babies go through sleep regressions when they’re growing, which means intermittent bouts of uncontrollable crying.
The safety of everyone is paramount. You need to have a worst case scenario talk with your husband so you’re both mentally prepared to make some tough choices.
It may be 'your culture' to care for your elders, but if that is to be, then the rest of the family MUST step up. That cannot apply just to you.
Look into NH's for dad. As much as your family may look down on you, you MUST self protect and you MUST protect that innocent baby!
You will be sacrificing your and your baby's health and wellbeing (and surely your husband's, too) to the altar of cultural expectations.
SAFETY. Yours, your child's, your husbands.
Parkinson's dementia often comes with paranoia, and as you mentioned the hallucinations but also sometimes unpredictable violence.
A friend of mine in a support group was awakened one night when her husband, with Parkinson's dementia had one hand wrapped around her neck and a knife in the other hand. Another friend came in from taking out garbage and was "greeted" by her husband holding a gun to her.
You can not take chances.
If it becomes unsafe for you or your child you must leave. If your husband chooses to remain and care for his father that is his choice.
If you are alone with FIL when / if he becomes violent you MUST call 911 and if possible LEAVE the house or lock yourself in a room that he can not get into.
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