I’m new to this group. I’m my mom's (almost 98) caregiver. She can be difficult and hard on me - I’m not sleeping and am exhausted. Advice?

Wow..98. My mom is in assisted living at 88 after a year in a memory care. { Lewy Body dementia with remission at the moment}....I cut back to 3 days a week of care..about 12-15 hrs a week. Always complaints and issues. I do her toe nails, shopping, specialty food purchases, hearing aide upkeep, all outside appointments {including massage 2x month} and I take her to church and then my apartment after. I am 70. I feel like I lack a personal life and am well aware she may live to 98! I saw a counselor who helped me by saying it is NOT my job to keep mom happy. My job is to be sure she is safe, well fed and has a good roof over her head. I stopped trying to please her. My schedule is Sunday, Tues and Friday…that allows some days to disconnect. Stop the daily visits. I worked 27 yrs in a nursing home as clinical Nutrition staff member..there is NO reason to be there that often. Good Luck..

" I’m with her every day and had to stop working to help her with everything. She can be very difficult and depends on me for everything. My relationship with my Fiancé is suffering and I’m exhausted."

If she's in a NH as your profile states, then why are you with her every day, and why does she depend on you for everything?

You have up a job (when did that happen?), and now your relationship with your fiance is suffering? And your health is being affected. Have you considered backing away and letting the NH do their job?

Every nursing home resident needs an advocate for ensuring their care is good. They don’t need hands on, daily care, that’s exactly what the nursing home is for. Stop assuming this role. Mom’s demands aren’t your commands. You want and need a life, healthy and whole, long after hers is over. You matter too

Way to go Caroline who is almost 98. I too agree with others who say it is time to stop with the daily visits. One thing I have found is that the more you give in to demands from anyone, more demands will be placed on you. Speaking from experience in dealing with a demanding spouse, son, and dad. Demanding people will struggle when you tell them no and pass some of the responsibility back. With that being said, I’m sure you took much care in selecting the nursing home so take baby steps in stepping away. I’ll probably struggle with trying to go cold turkey as well with stepping back as it sounds like you are. I guess another way you can look at it is that in order for you to get to 98 you will have to make some changes. Give you and your fiancé a fighting chance.

The nursing home is probably very grateful you are there so much. That much less for them to do!

You're paying a lot of money to have mom in a safe place-and cared for. I would cut back the visits and aid to about 1 hr per day--so 7 hrs per week. That's just me-and my experience from when mother was in rehab after a couple of surgeries, She wanted someone there all day, everyday, but she grew so demanding and obnoxious, one by one, us kids gave up and simply called her or visited her for just an hour at a time and NOT every day.

Tell her what you are going to do and be prepared for tears and possibly anger. BUT--you need to live your life.

According to your profile, you say:

"I am caring for my mother Carolina , who is 97 years old, living in a nursing home with age-related decline, arthritis, broken hip, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, mobility problems, and vision problems."

The NH is supposed to be caring for your mother, not you. You can go visit her every day, stay for a while, then go home.

If your profile is wrong, and you are caring for your mother at home, why did you bring her home from the SNF??? At 97+, elders will consume us, body and soul, as they require 24/7 care.

Please elaborate on your situation so useful comments can be left for you.

If her mind is still sharp as your profile says and you have a rather peaceful relationship you might talk to her about your need to live your life. And even if she does not understand it - you need to turn around and look towards your own future. Do not feel guilty. You are on this planet to shine, not to wither away!

I am telling myself the same things every day. Blessings!

I'm probably not the only one here who thinks this is very odd. You didn't give the information in your post, that mom is in a NH. That info even requires an extra "click" on the word Mother in your profile, in order to see that your mom is in a NH. Bottom line is: you are choosing to go to the NH and micro manage her care. Things won't change until you choose not to do this. Nobody here can make that decision for you.

Get more people to help with your mom's care. You need enough time off to sleep, eat 3 meals are a normal pace. time off for your own health and hygiene needs... If you can not get enough help, realize that your mom's care has reached a point that she needs professional care in a residential facility. If she does not have resources, help her apply for Medicaid and find her placement in a facility that takes Medicaid. Don't wait until you are so exhausted that you end up sick or injured in a hospital.

I believe that those we take care of are older and have had a chance to live their lives. It is great if we are able to and want to take care of them. However, we are humans and we too have a right to live life to the fullest. If the responsibilities are too much for the caretaker and are harming them physically, emotionally, financially, whatever - then we have no choice but to act. We either get relief with others to be caretakers or we place them. When our lives are being totally disrupted and destroyed, our responsibility to them must shift. We must take care of US - NOW. Never feel guilt for this after you do what you can. You are exhausted and it will harm you terribly if you don't take appropriate steps immediately. You have no choice.